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Jared- The one that got away

I can't believe that i am going to post this. It's strange the things we feel comfortable posting and those things we don't. I screen very few posts. Before I met Tom i was in love with an amazing man. A fashion designer who made me feel alive and very very special. We dated for many months and then it ended very suddenly leaving me very confused and heartbroken. Very very heartbroken. I still love him very much. I know that I always will. He was the one that got away.


Recently I got a letter from him, I think he sent it in January but I didn't get it until the beginning of March... it's taken me this long get up the nerve to respond. I have talked to him every now and then on the phone helping him with his computer. Sometimes I receive clothes he designed but this letter was so meaningful to me I needed to hide from it, it made my heart to excited, broken, and confused.

If the offer came along, I would not leave Tom for Jared, but my heart would try to argue with my mind. That sounds really horrible to me. Jared is the only one who has truly damaged my heart. Broken hearts don't listen to logic, they only desire the things that have sent them packing.

Jared's letter

Hello Sweetness,
Sorry it's taken me so long to write back. It went to the wrong address and then when I finally did get it I waited because I wanted to really have the time to respond. Your letter was so beautiful, sweet, and it meant a lot to me. You mean a lot to me still, and always will. Please don't feel regret. I'm glad we had what we did. Our lives just have different paths and I am grateful that they crossed. The biggest grin always comes across my face whenever I think of all the fun we had.

You will always be my beautiful creative monster bunny. Bloody fangs, black eye, matted fur wearing pink lace sneakers and a ripped coat. I learned a lot about seeing true beauty and glamour through your eyes as well as the beauty that lives inside tragedy. It's a gift I will cherish forever.

I would really love to hang out with you again. You are my lovely friend that I don't get to see as often as I would like. If you are ever in San Francisco please let me know. It would be so fun to see you again. If you ever need a friend outside of your mad world of fashion and fame you have one in San Francisco.

Warmth and happiness,



( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 12th, 2004 12:07 am (UTC)
receiving a letter like this is a very bittersweet thing. at first i wrote a long comment riping into your ex for dumping his apologies on you in a letter. you do have to admit it's like doing a drive-by emotional shooting... but then i reread the letter and realized that he really did have good sentiments when he wrote it. he does miss you, that's obvious, and he has a lot of good memories associated with you. can't blame a guy for that, even though he really should tell you these things in person instead of sending them in the mail.

in my opinion, i think your response is a little too nice (but then you know i'm a little jaded). i've known you online for a while now and you've given me the impression that you have a very sincere and good soul. almost too good... please be careful.
Apr. 12th, 2004 02:12 pm (UTC)
Jared is really a very good guy, and he was right to end the relationship. It never would have worked out with the distance and our lives heading in opposite directions. I just was still enjoying the ride when it suddenly came to an end without any warning. I would really like to become "just friends" with him. He seemed to amplify my child like qualities; Imagination, laughter and just plain childish fun.

Thank you for all your compliments, I will definitely be careful, but I really do believe that he does want the best for me.
Apr. 12th, 2004 02:42 am (UTC)
You're awesome. I didn't know how to respond to this post, but felt I should. First off - thanks for sharing this part of yourself - it's tricky to talk about the subtleties of loss in the context of personal relationships and things for which, in a way, there can be no such thing as closure.

I totally agree that the heart craves what it has been denied.

We always hurt the ones we love... we always love the ones we hurt... do we always love the ones who hurt us?
Apr. 12th, 2004 03:12 pm (UTC)
Re: wow
Thank you! I was going to make the post for myself but I want to keep my journal open as much as possible. I have only two entries so far that are not for my eyes only.

do we always love the ones who hurt us?
if this was true there would be a lot of homos enamored with bush. and that statement is wrong in every context.
Apr. 12th, 2004 03:39 pm (UTC)
Re: wow

Meanwhile, for the ultimate in unhealthy relationships, check this out:

It's (Still) My Party And I'll Cry if I want to
Apr. 12th, 2004 04:58 am (UTC)
What a great post! And it's refreshing to see a breakup - that while painful - isn't overshadowed by the bitterness!
Apr. 12th, 2004 03:15 pm (UTC)
The only thing bitter about me are my taste buds! Luckily I have always been able to see the charm in the terrible things that happen in life.
Apr. 12th, 2004 06:30 am (UTC)
I don't know a damn thing about being gay, so I don't know if any of this is gonna sound right, but I guess there isn't much harm in saying it anyway. I don't mean that to sound like it does, I guess, I just mean if I say something outright stupid, that's why. I am who I am, and you are who you are, and if I fuck up trying to be you, in my head, maybe a disclaimer will let me seem like less of an ass.

I knew this guy, way back, who'd had a relationship with this girl. It was a long distance relationshp, she was out in Los Angeles or some shit, and the back and forth of it was just killing him. Much as he loved this girl, she couldn't be wher ehe was and he couldn't be where she was, and that was it. He saw it, but I guess she couldn't, or otherwise she didn't want to. She loved him something fierce. Which I guess is why it was as hard for her as it was when he finally called it quits.

So some time goes by after the break up, and all this time the girl is trying to be good about it, trying to be friends with him, but you can tell it's hard for her. She wants it to be back the way it was. My friend cared for her a lot, and I guess in his heart he wanted to give her as much of himself as he could, without actually giving her back what they had. But it's hard as hell for it to be that way.

They had a long talk about it once, and I guess she got off the phone crying. My friend feels bad, figures he'll send her flowers to try and patch up the friendship between them. I'm telling him, "Don't send her roses, man. She'll get the wrong idea. Don't do it. Send her something else." But he's like ,"Nah, nah, women love roses, they're the nicest, she's smart, she'll understand."

And don't he send her the fucking roses, and don't she call him up, crying all happy-like, the very next day, thinking he wants to patch things up. And it's like all these old wounds that had been healing so slowly over all those months all got torn open again. And I don't know for sure, because I ahven't talked to him in a long time, but I don't think it ever ended up well between those two.

All I'm saying is, if you got a good thing going, don't let anything -- even roses -- make you think twice about it. Not to suggest you would, but I don't know... something in what you said made me here that pause, that hesitation, and it was like living through that story all over again. Just take a rose for what it is, some guy trying to say maybe he was an asshole about something in your past. Just drop it in a vase and be happy with what's growing outside your window.

And feel free to call me an idiot, cause I wouldn't disagree with you too much.
Apr. 12th, 2004 04:01 pm (UTC)
You are not wrong at all. Your advice is really good. I'm not so worried because he broke up with me back in '99. It's just amazing how intense a letter like this can be after so many years. He has sent me little gift-ies over the years but I have always known it only meant he was thinking of me. It was just really nice to hear that he does care for me and didn't mean to cause me pain.

I've got a good thing going on, no roses will send me to tears. I have learned far to much to fall into that trap. But a reminder is always a good thing.

Thank you.
Apr. 12th, 2004 07:52 am (UTC)
Broken hearts don't listen to logic, they only desire the things that have sent them packing.

I haven't read a sentence that rang so true in a long time...

I'm glad you've been able to find some kind of peace with that relationship, but it's true that when you've been hurt by someone, there'll always be this weird unrequited thing goin on. He's lucky you're open to his letter and remaining in his life.

About four years ago, I broke up with this guy I went to sfsu with, and all his friends labeled me the bad guy cause I broke up with him very suddenly. I knew the relationship was wrong, and if I hadn't broken up with him then, I might've never. I was ridiculously in love with him, probably because I knew that it would never work. Anyway, he calls me up two months later, I'm dating someone else (yes, rebound) and he wants desperately to get back together. He starts telling me all the things I'd been waiting a year for him to tell me. And I'm like "Great. Now that it's over and I'm starting to move on...NOW you want to give me what I wanted?!"

If I hadn't been dating someone, I would've buckled and gone back to him so quickly. Now I see that situation for what it was. Even though I was the one who broke up with him, he will always be the only person who broke my heart, and... Broken hearts don't listen to logic, they only desire the things that have sent them packing.

Hey, did you get my invitation? ;)
Apr. 12th, 2004 10:51 pm (UTC)
I was actually trying to book a flight tonight. I think I might wait a while longer and see if I can find a cheaper flight. $200 seems a bit expensive. I am planning on staying in the room with Dana and Lanny.
Apr. 12th, 2004 08:24 am (UTC)
Awww.. I'm totally teary.

I think we all have a 'jared' in our lives.... *hugs*
Apr. 13th, 2004 01:56 pm (UTC)
May. 6th, 2004 03:11 am (UTC)
Staving off the memories

I had one that got away, I was young and in love with this man. He was the most beautiful things since a Renoir painting, and I was just so head over heals for him. I always thought we'd be together, and things became awkard, I'd write him letters but didn't get a response, he'd say I Love You but later said he didn't mean it. I saw him not to long ago, I was gettiing my permit. He looked the same to me I resented him a bit, we haven't really spoken. He knew it was me, I've changed so much since I last saw him. It's hard, and your Jared sounds awesome, I happen to design as well. But, it's great that there is Live Journal there are others that hurt as well as I and I'm grateful to know that I'm not alone. I'm telling the truth, don't mean to sound trite.
Jun. 8th, 2007 02:50 am (UTC)
Ouch =/
Thank you for sharing, Eric
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )