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Just another Sunday

Just another day, I sit here typing while emergency services clean up another car crash from in front of my house. This time it only needed two police cars, one firetruck and an ambulance. Maybe I will start posting each time I notice an accident.

At first I thought I was crazy for doing this, but everything worked out fine. My Ex invited me to go to lunch with him and his new boyfriend. I accepted. Now normally there would be nothing wrong with this at all. I have meet several former boyfriends new beaus. The thing that is different is that I don't really approve of the relationship. This is my ex Randy who is 45. We had a fucked up relationship to put it kindly. He is 16 years my senior. His new boyfriend is not even 21. But like a moth to a flame, like watching a train wreak, like a plastic surgery show, I couldn't stop myself from going.

I cut my hair, shaved my face so I didn't look like Saddam anymore. I got dressed in an outfit that I felt good in and went to meet them. I was constantly reminding myself on the way that this boy is new to the gay world so i needed to be extra careful not to say anything to cause him to be jealous or freak out. I really didn't need to worry though. He really seemed to handle the who thing really well. He is really cute too. Kind of a mix of Elija Wood and a really young Ben Stiller. Randy does go a long time between dating anyone or any kind of relationship but when he does they are cute. This is the first relationship Randy has had since we broke up over four years ago. I wish I could say I was happy Randy has found somebody, but it seems he's found someone yet again who isn't truly "sure on his feet", someone who is far away and he will probably try to convince to move to San Francisco. I sure hope this boy fares better than I did.



( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 12th, 2004 04:08 am (UTC)
I hope so too. Despite having no foolproof reason, large age disparities between romantic partners continue to bother me - because of the inherent power imbalance. The same for disparities in wealth, cultural acclimitisation, race. I don't think these relationships are always bad, but I think people going in should be aware of the disparity, and do stuff to make sure that the power imbalance doesn't create problems for either (or any) of the partners. The "we love each other, and we're blind to money/age/race" claim has always seemed disingenuous to me.

(end tangential rant)
Jan. 12th, 2004 07:54 am (UTC)
I Do See What You Mean
If only things were that simple. Over the past week I have had a few experiences which have given me some keen insight into the dynamic here. A relationship with a mature partner who is more or less on an equal basis is a very challenging thing. Most of the guys I know who are my age are not up to nor interested in this challenge.

Now on the other side, my long years of trying to determine rules or a winning formula for a successful relationship have been futile. What exactly clicks when things click defies definition.

I believe the imbalances are challenges not fatal flaws. I would find, being in the closet, or being a devout Catholic, or being an alcoholic or being on another continent as far more difficult challenges.
Jan. 12th, 2004 01:04 pm (UTC)
Re: I Do See What You Mean
If you do ever find the wining formula I know you will post it, right?

Thankfully, I've never had to deal with the difficulty of really being in a relationship with someone who was closeted, extremely religious, alcoholic or so far away. I guess, I'm more of a realist and if there is such a huge obstacle in the beginning I cut my losses.
Jan. 12th, 2004 10:56 am (UTC)
i've dated someone 15+ years older, i've dated someone who made more than 6 figures a year, i've dated someone who was a different race & culture, and i've dated someone who was an extreme devout christian (which i'm not). the easiest out of all of these (from my experience) was the guy who was chinese/japanese (1 parent was chinese, the other japanese). the differences where obvious from the start and we were always comparing our own experiences to each other. it was a cool learning experience and the reason why we eventually broke up had nothing to do with the cultural/race difference (he moved to hong kong to work as the head of pr for an english speaking tv station). the disparity i found the most problematic and impossible to overcome was the financial one. i was the poor student and he lived the jetset highlife. it's nice being flown across country for weekend booty calls, having computers bought for me, etc., but i couldn't help feeling like the kept boy (and i was only 5 years younger).

that's my two cents...
Jan. 12th, 2004 01:18 pm (UTC)
When I was working at Tower Records making almost nothing I dated a guy who didn't need to work and it felt a little to weird. I broke up with him after about a month. But the money was only one of the many reasons. I do miss his bathroom though. I swear it was the size of my bedroom... And his bathtub was more like a hot tub.
Jan. 12th, 2004 12:52 pm (UTC)
I totally agree. I have good reason to be worried with Randy and his new kid because the age difference between us allowed him way too much power over me. I didn't even really realize what was going on until it was way too late. When I think back on it, it does seem like I had joined a cult. I had be removed from an environment I was used to and slowly manipulated until I didn't resemble my former self at all. Luckily I got out and am now aware of that trap.

Oh and I think race is definitely something that needs to be acknowledged, but it does seem a lot easier to work through these days than it used to be. You have to get used to not really knowing what it's like and admit and stay flexible. I had one boyfriend tell me I didn't know what it was like to be black. I think my response was, "duh!"
Jan. 12th, 2004 12:58 pm (UTC)
Lol! That's an amusing response.

Racial essentialism makes me uncomfortable - like "you don't know what it's like to be Asian"... as if I know what it's like to be every Asian person.
Jan. 12th, 2004 01:37 pm (UTC)
No kidding. Each Asian culture is so different. I used to marvel at the difference between my Japanese and Korean friend's families.
Jan. 12th, 2004 07:44 am (UTC)
you are a strong monkey.
Jan. 12th, 2004 08:11 am (UTC)
O my goodness - where do you live??

All we ever hear in front of our place are the firetrucks coming down the hill.
Jan. 12th, 2004 12:28 pm (UTC)
I live on Market street up near twin peaks... I live right and the beginning of the windy bit where you always see crashed cars. Luckily my building has never been hit.
Jan. 12th, 2004 01:54 pm (UTC)
Is that a little past the 17th street turnoff towards Portola?
Jan. 13th, 2004 12:51 pm (UTC)
It's actually a few blocks past 17th closer to 18th.
Jan. 13th, 2004 12:54 pm (UTC)
I know where that is..great area, but windy!! I'd love having all of that within walking distance! Lucky you!

We should meet up somewhere down there for drinks, then. I live just up over 17th, near UCSF.
Jan. 12th, 2004 06:06 pm (UTC)
just let it lie
i understand your concern but i think like me, you were that kid a little while ago...i didn't have any gay peers, hell, i still don't. no one wants to believe that when we're young we have a fucked up version of the elektra complex or something. we are so in a rush to get older (maybe hoping it'll be better than being young) that we "latch on" to older guys, and then later it all reverses, perhaps in an effort to try to live some of that youth we missed out on. now that i'm 25 (insert happy birthday HERE) i feel as though it's only slighty less idiotic to date someone who could be my father. i don't necessarily know better, but now atleast i know. give him time, let's hope he doesn't have to learn the hard way like the rest of us.
Jan. 13th, 2004 01:09 pm (UTC)
Re: just let it lie
Happy belated birthday!
It's kind of sad that I am hoping the relationship fails before it get much of a chance to start, but it just seems like a car crash in slow motion. I can just see it coming because I've been there and I've done that.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )