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pepermint sigh dressed in pink cotton

Today micks asked
At what age do you feel that you first experienced the sensation of being in love? How could you tell?

It's a very good question. I thought about it, it's hard to nail down really. Many times in my life I have felt a surge of emotion I thought was love. Then latter on I felt something stronger, so this must be love, until the next time. I have felt very different kinds of love as well. My best friend Phinny I have known since kindergarten, Many of my friends lust after him, to my response of EWWWEE. He like my brother... but I like him. but that's not in love. That's just love.

So I began to think about when was it that I felt the strongest emotions. Who brought them out of me. It was no contest.

My beloved Jared, the insane fashion designer. Have you ever gone somewhere with someone who has never been where you are going and the whole thing is new to them. They wander around with wide eyes and excitement, making everything better for you as well. This was Jared, Although he had the air of been there done that, everything was full of glamour and excitement. Every color was vivid, every sound was maddening, every scent was destructive and every touch was seductive. He really was like a cheerful version of Anne Rice's sensual vampires. He gave me my appreciation of Tragic Glamour. when something is so wrong it becomes absolutely beautiful. He love to pointing out things that sent him "over the edge," and showing me the things that drove him mad. I never felt so alive.

"I want to cover the word in Pink."
"If you have something hideous, wear it everyday, make it your trademark."

We would ride around Los Angeles on his motorcycle looking completely ridiculous. It would be hot a hell and yet he would be wearing a huge pink fluffy overcoat. The shock value of it alone cause me fits of laughter. I would just watch people's reactions, they had no idea what was going on.

I first met Jared when I was down visiting LA from SF, I had flown down and was meeting all my friends at Cherry. A club my friend James was trying to become a performer in and a very familiar venue for me. I had spent many nights there when it was club 1970's back in the early 90's. The evening had gone as expected, a few drinks lots of laughs and some dancing, when I notice a very cute boy putting on a dancing show for me. He was dressed in a white shirt and a black chandelier on the front, a tuxedo coat with the arms ripped off and cargo pants. he took off his coat and threw it into the crowd like a rock star. I laughed. It was brilliant, I had never had someone try to impress me in such a hilarious way. His friend Larva (It's what she goes by I swear) was dressed up like Jackie O complete with glasses. She walked up to me and tilted her glasses down so I could see the HUGE black eye bruise that was completely covered by the glasses. (makeup of course) She dragged me through the club in a madcap race for unknown reasons. The next night we had our first date.

We did the long distance thing for about four months. I thought things were going really well, Until I came down to see him and he asked me where I wanted him to drop me off. Imagine the confused look on my face. Eventually he said he needed more space and that it was time for this to be over. His life was in LA and moving towards London/New York/Paris. My life was in San Francisco and I was not about to move again to date someone. He said he was getting too attached and it was going to be harder latter on so best to end it now. My heart broke. Never had I crashed so hard on the pavement. I was unprepared and completely blindsided.

I loved him very much, I still do, but also I loved who I was when I was with him. He made me feel like a rock star. He made me feel like I was as important and cool as any of his famous friends. He made me feel like they should be excited to meet me. I want to be that person again, It was so easy for him to build me up, why can't I maintain that level of confidence? I do still love myself, I just don't really see myself as being all that special anymore. I now have a new goal. Screw fears, I want to work on being confident and special. Tomorrow I wear something hideous!



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 8th, 2005 07:58 pm (UTC)
Love is a wild a beautiful emotion indeed.

I am sorry to hear of any pain you had to go through, but especially an ending so abrupt like that. Still, now you are where you are because of your past, and it seems like you are now in a good place: perhaps this was meant to be.

Confidence is not something any of us can maintain easily, especially if we were not afforded much space for growing it when we were kids. The interesting aspect to your confidence is that you seem so confident in your current writing: that suggests the confidence is there in you. Working on it worked.

Special you are and always will be.
Apr. 10th, 2005 09:35 am (UTC)
*Bow* *Bow* very Japanese!
Thank you again! By this time I will have filled up your mailbox with emails!

I think I have more confidence now than I have ever before. While I was waiting in front of the hotel in London for you to arrive I was reading Chloe, Queen of Denial by Naomi Nash AKA drood. It's a book for teen girls about a girl who is afraid of everything and how she pretends to be brave and confident when she is sent to Egypt. She feels like a fake until she learns that maybe it doesn't mater if her courage and confidence is fake or not. That is also me. It is now my favorite book because I really feel like that teenage girl who closes her eyes and just does it with gritted teeth, then says "Hey, That didn't kill me!" Baby steps have brought me a long way in the last few years and now I am taking larger strides.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )