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Lost boy- you should probably skip it.

So I sit here and listen to the traffic go by and the drunken people walk back to their cars they shouldn't drive home. Laughter and joy in their voices they slowly stumble past. I sit at my computer, typing with confusion and sadness in my mind. I hate being confused. I hate making the wrong decision. I hate even more to make a decision knowing it's the wrong one. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't know right from wrong. It seems all a blur or fear and hatred. Maybe it's the alcohol talking but I hate myself right now. I used to think of myself as being a strong and good person, but now I feel like such a stupid wimp. I feel like the answers to my questions are right in front of me yet I am too close to see the writing on the wall. So I stand here stupidly and cause harm with my good intentions.

I listen to the click clack of a woman walking alone in high heels, it's amazing what you can hear in warm weather. I think the man house-sitting downstairs is getting lucky with some "31" year old. I want to blast some music, clear my head. Not that anything but time could really do that. Like Lola I wait, but I think answers only come to you in the movies. In real life, there is not right decision. There is no fix all, no happy ending. At least not one that I have seen.

I want to cry, but I've forgotten how. I have only cried once in the past decade as far as decision can remember. I cried at Oscar's funeral. I couldn't hold it in anymore and had to hold on to Kim to keep standing. I know it's bad to hold it in but I've been doing it for so long that I've forgotten how to let go. I can't believe Oscar had been dead for almost a year. I miss him so much. I hate September.

Melodramatic fag that I am, the tears well up but don't fall. my eyes water but nothing runs down my face. Why can't I just be happy, Happy for what I have? I have so much more than other, I know this. I have food, shelter, a job, family. Do I just feel the need for the rollercoaster? Do I need the ups and downs to remind me that I'm alive?

If I wasn't the horrible pack rat that I am I would never even post this, but I've come this far. hopefully I can look back at this and laugh someday. Oh how silly I used to be. I was so drunk that night, my head was spinning, and it is.

Most of you will have no idea what this is even about, just one of my drunken secret mysteries. After all mystery seems to be what keeps people interested now a days.

Ignore this post, I guess it's for me. It may have meaning but like most drunken posts who knows how much is just crap.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
walterwz
Sep. 14th, 2003 10:18 am (UTC)
Not Necessarily So...
I can't do "drunken". There are times I would love to.

I think you asked questions. I think your questions may have answers because they are the right questons.

It may be a conversation worth having.
knowyermonkey
Sep. 14th, 2003 12:55 pm (UTC)
macboy...will you call me so we can hang out someday? i really nice and if you ever need a pal to talk to..i'm good for that
415-215-4783
stace
q_knox
Sep. 14th, 2003 07:34 pm (UTC)
Damnit, your very much a strong person Monkey. And your not confused, not at all. You've just had alot of things to deal with. Just dealing with your Mother's sickness is ALOT. I'm sure your friend Oscar if he was here would tell you how much of a good person you are.

So whatever answers your looking for will come to you, so keep living and don't stop being who you are and don't let anyone change you.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )