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Rooster questions

So it’s been two months and I still haven’t been able to answers roosterbear’s questions. It’s time to force myself. Like Lola from Run Lola Run I will just start and go, waiting for it to come to me.

“I think the real question here for you now is: what does your relationship with Tom do for you? What does being in a relationship with him mean to you? Does he reinforce qualities that you want to reinforce, that are healthy to reinforce for you, or does he stifle you? I think these are important questions to be asking yourself.”

What does my relationship with Tom do for me? He helps me, guides me. He gives me love. We have fun together, although these last few months we haven’t had as much as we used to. I know I’ve pulled back a bit and so has he, but also we have had a lot to deal with as well. Family health problems, work drama, and Dana. Dana being the main person we hang out and play with it’s been hard to get back into fun while she was getting ready to leave. Now that she is gone there is a bit of a void.

Does Tom reinforce qualities that I want to reinforce, that are healthy to reinforce? Yes and no. This is so much harder to judge. It takes knowing myself as well as the mechanics of our relationship. I know that Tom tends to want to take care of me, which is actually a bad thing. It promotes helplessness and dependence in me. I am still fighting fears that were placed inside me years ago. I hated being afraid to go outside without someone to keep me from making a fatal mistake. It worries me if I don’t do something, anything by myself every once in a while. I usually go for a drive on Sundays, since that was one of my biggest fears. Tom knows not to ever say anything about my driving being anything less than stellar; he only made that mistake once.

But Tom does reinforce some very good things. He reminds me that I am not ugly. He always tells me how loveable I am. He helps me not spend my money on things I shouldn’t. He reminds me to call my parents more often. Little things that I am too spacey to remember.
The one thing that really bothers me though is our different views on negativity. We both think that we are positive while the other one is negative. I guess I am a very “challenging person” I don’t take things to be as they seem or as they are stated. I want to come to the conclusion myself. The best example of this would be; Tom driving and some guy in an SUV cuts him off, Tom says, “Bastard, SUV drivers are so Self absorbed they don’t care that they almost caused an accident because they are in their Battle Cruiser.” I see it as being a bit negative. I respond, “Maybe he didn’t know his lane was going to end,” Or something like that. I don’t view that statement as being negative at all, I’m just pointing out possibilities, Tom views it as an attack on him. I am just arguing with him because I can never let him be right about anything. I like to look for the good in people. I can’t allow myself to have a view more like Tom, where the world is trying to fuck me over. The world has been very good to me. If someone cuts me off, oh well! Maybe they did it on purpose maybe they didn’t. Lord knows I’ve been lost and cut people off to get over. I learned to drive in LA; I’m a bit aggressive in my driving. If you need to get over in LA, put on your signal and then force you way over. Otherwise you will end up missing your turn even if you start to get over five miles before your exit.

Do I seem a little focused on driving? I’m a good driver, trust me. I’ve never been in an accident and haven’t gotten too many tickets. None in over five years!

There are times when Tom and I work so well together. We make such wonderful team. Every now and then we are like chocolate covered pretzels.

Comments

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roosterbear
Sep. 7th, 2003 08:05 pm (UTC)
I think you sound pretty self aware. So now, of course, I can't help but ask more questions:

We have fun together, although these last few months we haven’t had as much as we used to.

I can understand why that's happened, given what you've said here as well as the simple matter of the way relationships evolve over time. Is there any way to inject fun back into the equation? Over time, that seems to require a conscious choice on the part of the partners, or at least that's what I hear from people I know who've managed to have successful long term relationships.

I know that Tom tends to want to take care of me, which is actually a bad thing. It promotes helplessness and dependence in me.

I cringe at this part, maybe because of my own history of falling into that trap, from both sides, but I think it's worth noting that you're aware of it. Sometimes being aware of what's happening, and why, can help blunt some of the negative aspects of a situation. In other words, you'll see yourself depending on him and/or being taken care of, be aware that this is happening, and not take that experience in on a deeper and unconscious level as "I'm helpless."

And the other side of the coin, especially the good stuff you've mentioned, is important to consider as well. Relating back to the initial line of questions, and the reason for asking them, I think it's a matter of figuring out what you consider to be the most important. How important is it to you, in the grand scheme of things, to be independent? Do you have a difficult time remembering that you're "not ugly" (as you wrote above) without someone helping you? There is nobody else who can answer those questions, or any number of other questions I could ask you based on what you wrote. It's up to you to answer them.

We make such wonderful team. Every now and then we are like chocolate covered pretzels.

This is such a cute thing to say. There's a really playful quality about you that comes out in your journal, and I hope that you hang onto that, whatever happens between you and Tom.
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