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Dark tears of insomia

I don't know what to say, this entry started out one way but ended in such a different place. It's kind of hard to post and was harder to write. I guess you can't run from stuff. Maybe now I can get some sleep.

I should be asleep right now, I've tried but I can't. My mind has too much to chew on right now to allow me to sleep. I was laying in bed organizing my thoughts, realizing my powerlessness and my strengths. I was putting myself in other shoes. It made me think of my first pot experience.

I had been working at Tower Records down in Anaheim for a few years and was a supervisor of sorts. On this fateful day I had two new employees to train, Yoko and Stephanie, two short Asian girls who seemed very timid at the time. After a full day of training, an argument with our security guard and record store drama I was in a foul mood. I don't really remember everything that put me in the mood I was in, but I was in a very bad space.

I went to hang out with my friend Jimmy. When I got to his place his friend Evan was over and had just gotten some "good bud." Almost all of my friends smoked pot. Quite often different friends would try to get me stoned but I was determined not to be anything like my brother. I had seen what drugs did to him and remembered what he had done to me while on drugs. On this day when I was in such afoul mood for a reason I can't remember today I said to jimmy and Evan's coaxing, "sure why not."

We went to the park, Jimmy was so excited to finally get to see me stoned. He and Evan were seasoned Pot smokers, I think we were all 24. I figured that my friends knew this was my first time and would ease me into the whole thing and make sure I was OK. They told me how to use the bong and all that. eight bong hits latter, I was a mess. I was so stupid. There are whole sections of this evening that I don't remember at all. Like getting into Evan's car, something I never do since he is such an insane bad driver.

When we arrived at our friend Brent's house I no longer had the ability to speak. Jimmy and Evan thought it would be funny to tell Brent and Chris I was on Mushrooms and Acid. I was so far gone that I couldn't remember anything that happened in the past. I wasn't in on Jimmy and Evan's joke.

Oh my god, was I on Acid, did I take mushrooms? I don't remember, I can't remember anything! What is going on. I started to freak out, The harder I tried to remember things, to fight to get control again, the more my head tingled and the worse I felt. I was becoming extremely agitated. My friends would try to calm me down but I never remembered long enough to stay calm.

We watched so awful TV and Chris was changing the channel every 45 seconds, just long enough for me to focus on the show only to have the static shock me back out. I offered to kill Chris and that was the first sign that my body does not react like everyone else's to drugs. The next sign was when we went to Jack in the Box. After a good twenty minutes of coaxing they got me into Brent's car so we could get food. I was too worried about how fast cars went so it took some time. We went through the drive thru and I swear to god we were there for over 20 minutes. I wanted no food, I was beyond not hungry. I just want something to drink. The biggest coke you got. My lungs felt hot and wouldn’t cool down and I had never been this thirsty before in my life. When we finally pulled up to get our stuff I felt like I had the Sahara in my mouth. We got our drinks and by the time we got handed our food my extra large coke was gone and I was still thirsty. No time for refills I was told.

So now it was on to our next destination. Got any Idea where it was? I'll give you a hint. Where is the worst place to go when you are stoned for the first time? My friends decided that they wanted to rent some videos and since I get free video rentals thought work before I knew what was going on I was in the parking lot at work. Then I was inside the store. Then Stephanie the new girl on her first day asked me to come help her with a customer. I told her I wasn't working. She asked for me to please help this one customer real quick. I ended up telling the customer after trying to help them for a few minutes that they needed to talk to someone else because I couldn't understand what they were saying.

When we finally got out of the store there was another problem. Remember how I said I was had an argument with the security guard. It was over a problem he had with my friend Brent. The security guard Mattric was all revved up to fight Brent.

I am normally a very calm laid back person, the pot had made me agitated, angry and confused. The threat to my friend pulled me out of the confusion but not the agitation and anger. I jumped right in the middle of the fight. I was screaming at Mattric that his job is not to beat up the customers, his job is to deter theft, protect the parking lot, and make sure nothing bad happened to customers outside the store. I scared the crap out of him. It was the only time of clarity I had all evening, and I was ready to fight him myself.

The few times I've tried pot since then, I get very angry, agitated and thirsty. And It's everyone's fault I'm upset. It's better for everyone if I stick to vodka.

I wrote all this because I couldn't sleep and maybe I'm not ready to write what's really keeping me up. I'm still awake, my mind is still flying.

When I couldn't remember anything, when I thought I had taken Acid and Mushrooms, when I had all that fear inside and couldn't talk. I couldn't take the stupid smile off my face. When I thought I was never going to be in control again. This is what is upsetting me tonight.

In the past three days my mom has degraded so much I am beginning to lose my positive outlook. Everything is not going to be OK. I have lived a very charmed life. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me. Nothing I couldn't handle. Oscar was the first person in my life to die who was important to me.

I spent most of the day today on my cell phone. I had spoken to my dad last night and he warned me how far gone mom was and that I should call her in the morning, she's better in the morning. I could hear dad holding back his tears but the emotions still came through his stifled voice very strong.

When I talked to my mom this morning, her thoughts were random. Telling me how "Jerry (my dad) is dyslexic", "I'm having a mental break-down," I have a melanoma (she doesn't)," "I have to see a psychiatrist." And she kept saying I'm sorry.

I tried to calm her down. I told her I knew he was dyslexic, she was going to be fine, everyone see psychiatrists- remember how one helped Mike out of his depression. Don't worry mom, you don't need to be sorry. We love you.

"Oh," she said, "are you one of my sons?" She didn't know me. She didn't remember who she was talking to or why. She was so much better just a few days ago. How can something like this happen so fast. My boss is on vacation this week so there really is no one to cover for me. Will she even recognize me when I get down next week.

All day I kept thinking, it's the drugs, the drugs are doing this to her. There is no way someone can degrade this fast unless it's the drugs. With each phone call I got, each phone call I was hoping was not a family member, with each phone call I was forced to reevaluate my ideas about the drugs. Maybe she has a cancer in her brain. We need to get her a MRI.

The calls I dreaded the most were from my Aunt Lex. She is the undisputed drama queen of the family. She is one hundred percent pure emotion. Tom and I went to the Apple store to look into buying an iSight webcam for my parents myself (I changed my mind in the store). While we were out my aunt Lex called with such useful things as, "I'm worried about this Christmas, you mother is the keystone for all the holidays. How can we have Christmas without your mother." My aunt Lex means well but I don't need these thought right now. I don't need fear and guilt. On her third call she asked for my brother's phone number.

I had already spent quite some time calming my brother down. I promised to buy him a plane ticket for this week since I can't get home. I am very worried about him. He already drinks too much. He tends to get into trouble when when he is unfocused. When his best friend committed suicide he lost it, he got arrested several times, his drinking and drug use increased. He was on something on night and nearly killed me, he almost punctured my lung by punching me in the sternum which is now cracked. I told him today that he needed to go buy a get well card and write mom a letter. I told Aunt Lex to not upset him too much and give him things to do to keep him out of trouble.

I know my Aunt Lex is trying to help. She is trying to give sympathy but she make me feel heartless for not wanting to cry on the phone and scream woe is me. I'm dealing with this the only way I know how. Standing back two steps, detached, objective. My heart aches and I am have fears but I will not let them control me. I've never been one to cry in front of others unless I am hugging that person. So I stay up late and organize my thoughts for others to read my typed tears.



( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 27th, 2003 07:10 am (UTC)
WOW! I just sat there and read your entire insomnia-driven post. it was just amazing. well, let me tell you... i can totally relate to the drug use of your past, i was right there with ya (well, not literally but yeah, mine was a bit worse, though, i'm guessing.) and that's just awful about your mother. i sincerely hope she gets better or at least something miraculous happens. your brother sounds like he needs you right now.

best wishes...

hope you're getting some sleep, man.


Jul. 28th, 2003 05:51 pm (UTC)
Thank You.

I've read some of your posts which lead me to think your drug experiences have been worse than mine. Lucky for me this one was so bad it pretty much made me wary of drugs. I guess I'm too much of a control freak to do drugs. I I don't need to control others, I just need control of myself. I am amazed at how much better my mom is now. I did get some sleep but I'm still not caught up. Last night one of the kitties decided to cough up a fur ball on my foot. Talk about a rude awakening.
Jul. 27th, 2003 08:46 am (UTC)
jeez man...sounds like yer havin a really hard time...you know..we probably live very close to eachother..if you ever need a pal...write me and i'll give you my number
you could come over and build legos with me or watch a movie
Jul. 28th, 2003 06:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you for your support. I sound like those old Bartles and James commercials. We should get together for some good Lego fun. I have tons of Legos. A couple of years ago I wanted to play Lego like when I was a kid so I started buying space Legos. Now I have way too many. I never thought it could be possible but there really is such thing as too much of a good thing.
Jul. 27th, 2003 08:58 am (UTC)
A Few More Thoughts
I went through the Water Safety and life guard training programs when I was in college. One of the first points they drove home was that if you attempted to jump in the water and save someone and overestimated you abilities in the water, the most likely result was a double drowning.

From what you said in the story of your Pot experience it is very clear to me that you are extremely sensitive. What this means is that a tiny fraction of the amount of any substance has a much more profound effect on you. In your first experience, 8 bong hits was an extremely bad idea your friends should have known better. As it is, drugs are probably a good thing to avoid. Vodka is absolutely not better.

The basic purpose for drug and alcohol abuse is the attempt and desire to go through life on total anesthesia.

The situation you described is depicted in the Waite tarot card of the 9 of swords. Swords are though. The though processes depicted in the sword cards are the equivalent of juggling swords. At the 9 of swords level thought is essentially spinning like an engine with the clutch down and flooring it. The mind like the engine will tear itself to shreds in short order.

Do not forget the following. You will be able to take care of and help your family in direct proportion to the degree you are able to take care of yourself. Care taking is great. Perhaps we can discuss if you being first on the list of people you help is good. Before that I would think it good to first make sure you are even on the list.
Jul. 28th, 2003 06:36 pm (UTC)
Re: A Few More Thoughts
Thank you for your wise words. I am definitely past my drug experimentation phase. me + drugs= unhappy me. It's easy math. With alcohol I tend to be a bit of a lightweight but I have a bit more of a tolerance to vodka. Again though I don't drink very often, maybe a couple times a month. My brother is an alcoholic and I don't have any desire to be anything like my brother. When I drink I am usually a responsible drinker. There have been times when I drank too much and made some mistakes. I now hove some drinking rules that keep me out of trouble. Drink slow, drink only a few, only drink one kind of alcohol (preferable Stoli vanilla), and most important, if I feel like I've gone past what I call "the point" it's time to go home. I've never been one to drink during depression, I drink when I am out with friends and laughing.

I don't normally think of myself as being a care giver but I am definitely the stable logical one in the family. I guess I am a care giver of sorts. I am normally the listener who occasionally gives objective advice whether you want to hear it or not. I think of myself as being fairly self centered, only if my needs are being met will I truly think of others. I'm a very giving person, the amount of free tech support I have given is staggering, but I know my limits. I can only give so much. Sadly it seems like a lot less as the years go by.
Aug. 3rd, 2003 02:14 pm (UTC)
Awww Monkey... I'm sorry for the negatives that are happening in your life.

Sorry, I've been trying to catch up here and I finally decided to just hit a few important people's journals and do it that way.

So here I am. :)

Interesting to hear about your history with drugs. Do you find that different types of alcohol hit you in different ways? Like, I like what Rum does for me but I avoid tequila at all costs (it makes me mean and angry at the world. I will provoke fights just for the sake of fighting... nuts).

I'm blessed when it comes to drugs for me... Pot tends to take more to impact me. It's never driven me out of my mind, although I've been seriously paranoid while on it. I am still able to function as a person though.

I've done shrooms and acid both, and have taken E. Shrooms were the closest I've been to not being happy on drugs, and I tend to avoid them now. E tends to hit me pretty easily and I can get (and remain) high on very little. But, then again, I tend not to be crazy out of control on it.

Acid is fun. :) That's my take on it. I haven't heavily dosed mostly cuz I have no reason to really want to try and hack my brain, and the thought of it really disturbs me.

So that's my history on it... sorry, didn't mean to write that much. As for your mom... I'm really sorry. It's the hardest thing in the world to see your parents sick.

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )