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How do you get Love?

"How do you get love?" He asked me. "I get love by helping the helpless, I took care of my mother because she needed it and my sister never helped," he said. "So for a long time I would fall for guys who needed to be taken care of, Now that I know that I get love by taking care of people, I try to find guys who will also take care of me. How do you get love?"

I guess I got love by doing what my parents said. I was always the good child, while my brother always sought negative attention, I always got praise for my good behavior and doing what I was told. What does this mean? does this mean I search for people to tell me what to do? It seems very likely given my track record. My relationship with Tom is the best one I have ever had but he is very controlling and protective. He always says things like, "I need to protect the Monkey." It brings up a lot of questions. Does this mean my relationship with Tom is doomed to fail, or be an uphill battle? We have been having more and more difficulties, which are to be expected in the third year. It just that both of us are feeling like we are losing ourselves.

I lost myself before, and it's taken way to long to get back to where I am. If I was a stronger person I wouldn't have gotten so lost. If I didn't feel the need to do as others wish, I would never have become the agoraphobic basket case I turned into while I was with Randy. I think This is what scares me most about this realization. I've never been able to see things coming, I didn't realize I was becoming agoraphobic until I was too scared to leave the house without someone and definitely no driving. I don't want to ever be too scared to do anything again, I don't want to have to depend on anyone. I don't want to be formed. I need to be who I want to be.

I know this all seems so lame, why should I feel that this information being brought to light changes things? I not even sure if I should try to change myself. I am so good at change in some aspects but it's true the only way I know how to get love from someone is to do as they wish. I am a terrible Caretaker. I think I a bit too self centered for that. I do lots of stuff for other people and expect nothing in return, but I usually think of myself first. I can't comprehend what my brother thinks with the way he acts, the women that like him are messed up in the head and like guys who are assholes. The only reason my family loves him is because he's family, and also very funny. I know a few people who get love by being funny, but I would not choose my brother as a friend.

How do normal people get love? I guess by a mixture of by giving love, trust, time, amusement and doing others wishes. I don't know. I really don't know. I'm just a bit confused today. I had a very long strange weekend. I feel like screaming, laughing, smiling and crying all at once. one thing is for sure, I don't feel like working, but today has been insanely busy. I need some time to think!


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 30th, 2003 10:41 pm (UTC)
i like the way your mind moves...you seem like a real sweet person
i kept thinking i saw you this weekend...but then i was like..no..not him...i don't feel the monkey vibe...unless, did you notice any blonde haired lesbo staring at you with a strange look on her face?
Jul. 1st, 2003 03:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you, thank you.
You may have seen me, Especially if you went to the Metro. My friend "Karen" is now bartending there and she made a mess of me on pink Saturday. If you do ever see, definitely introduce yourself. Thanks again.
Jul. 3rd, 2003 06:34 pm (UTC)
So I didn't respond to your comment you left in my journal. I love the way you write, there's such powerful emotion behind it - it's like you can reach through the screen and touch people.

I don't feel I'm entirely qualified to answer your question on love, I'm not sure exactly. Somehow I got it. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve it. Sometimes I wonder if I should have more. And most times I try to just accept it as it is without being too hung up over it.
Jul. 18th, 2003 02:56 pm (UTC)
I Read This Entry...
It tore my heart out. Much of it resonated and seemed familiar. I do think your sensitivity, heart, capacity to feel and to give are precious. They do bring pain. Finding someone worthy of sharing this wonderful experience of you will not be easy.

Caretaking is ok just so long as you get a turn ever now and then.

Your love is as precious as all those things you are willing to sacrifice and pay.

I find you and your writing delightful. I look forward to reading the rest.
Jul. 18th, 2003 04:59 pm (UTC)
Re: I Read This Entry...
Thank you. I have read some of the advice you have given in different communities, you always give very sound heartfelt advice. Welcome!
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )