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Belonging- the mind fuck.

Hello again.
Yes I know, I never call, I never write... and when I do you know why you are hearing from me. Yes the last few weeks have been a mindfuck. So much has gone on that I'm unable to process it all.

I have a great new job that I've been at for almost a year. It's a job that tells me that they love me... constantly. My job tells me to be myself. My job loves me for who I am. my job wants me to better understand myself and others in the world. It's spent the last week trying to give me more information on Belonging than you can possibly imagine.

When I was a kid I didn't belong playing with the boys because I didn't think like them. I didn't like what they liked. I didn't belong with the girls because I was a boy. I felt like some in-between anomaly. I liked girls more than boys.

After Puberty hit I knew I didn't belong. My feelings didn't match what I was told I should become. I was told I would get a girlfriend, get a job, get married and have kids. I was not destined to have a wife and kids while being true to myself.

When I moved to San Francisco I knew I would belong among the gay... but as much as I put on airs I wasn't as cool as the other gays. I didn't have the quick retorts. I wasn't fearless in making those I meter than friends. I was the non-jugemental prude who was sad about his own hangups.

When I found LJ I was ecstatic about the response I got when clearly I pulling the wool over all your eyes. I'm not a writer, I'm dyslexic and am really bad at english. All my grades in school back this up. I had to get help passing english 101. But everyone on LJ was so nice and welcoming, it was probably because I took photography and knew how get a good angle. Surely it was the user pic.

Now I'm at a company that is so concerned with making me feel I belong they reduce me to tears with presentations about people who feel like they are outsiders.

It's hard to feel like you belong when all your life you've been telling yourself that you do not belong. When you've been telling yourself that you've been tricking people into believing you are someone you are pretending to be. Its hard to get yourself to believe that maybe all the negative things you've heard about yourself are not true. It's not the whole story. Balance is always easy to forget. It's far too easy to focus on the negative.

Recently a friend of mine fell into the negativity trap. I feel like I've lived my life in a shallow pool of negativity. I don't see myself badly but I don't see myself as being as good as I'm supposed to be. I should be smarter, funnier, stronger, cooler, and more productive... but I'm not and I'm not willing or able to actually change. Could I if I really wanted to?

Why do so many of us feel trapped? Why do we feel we can't change our lives, our situations? Why do we give so much power to negative thoughts and so little to the positive?

Like myself, this post should have been better, but it is what it is... and you should be who you are. Accept yourself. Accept your current situation, it's not forever, just this moment. Things will change, nothing is forever. The future will more than likely be better. Good things will come. Someday you will go to work and you will cry. Because something so beautiful with so much meaning is happening... and you don't know how to deal with it.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 7th, 2015 03:17 pm (UTC)
I haven't checked out Livejournal for weeks. I let my paid membership lapse, but I've still got the free account, so on a lark, I came here and yours was the first post I came to.

This has everything about you that made me follow you on here so many years ago. Sometimes, if not most times, what goes on in our heads about ourselves, has no relation to what others see and deal with.

Have a great day Eric!
Feb. 7th, 2015 05:15 pm (UTC)
I wish we'd have known each other growing up, then we could have not belonged together, and in that, belong with each other. Whatever problems you may have previously had or thought you have about writing are long gone. This was beautiful, and you are beautiful.
Jul. 13th, 2015 01:41 am (UTC)
I can relate to your words on so many levels. And I still feel like in many ways I don't belong. I've been learning sometimes it's just ok to be an outlier. To be unique. It's not easy to be alone at times. To feel alone. Especially when you really don't want to. Sometimes there's no choice. But for the times I've felt completely in my element, especially with people I care for very much who reciprocate this, those times feel all the more special. For now, for today, I am trying to feel peace, even if I am alone, on many levels.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )