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Are we Schizophrenic or is it just me?

I lay in darkness listening to the repetitive sounds of soft snores. There is a crash and a bang in another part of the house, clearly the kittens are destroying the house while their Dads are trying to sleep. I will probably have to put the house back together in the morning, I think to myself. A glowing ball comes into existence and floats above my head. There are little parts inside it whirling around. "Did they knock over the CDs again?", scrolls across the face of the orb. That is when I notice another orb, then another, Shit there are tons of them. I close my eye and try to ignore them. I would like to fall asleep. But the orbs glow so bright and I can feel the heat coming from them. I hate them. I hate them for the way they make me feel... at least they way they make me feel when they outnumber me by so much.

The glowing orbs are always hanging over my head I should be used to them. I think the hardest part of being unemployed is dealing with the orbs. when I was employed and one of the orbs broke instead of being solved I blamed it on being overworked. I can only juggle so much after all. I work 40 hours a week doing the job of two or three people. But now , I don't. I don't have a job, I don't spend 40 hours a week doing anything. Yet I still am dropping orbs. I am still not able to complete any of the things I thought I would be able to do if only I wasn't wasting my time working. I haven't improved my body, I haven't learned a language or improved any that I losing. I haven't finished scanning in my old photos or sold anything on eBay. I haven't even posted to LJ very often. What have I been doing since February? Why can't I think of anything I've accomplished? I have to have accomplished something, it's not like I've been watching TV all day.

I've been holding on to thin bits of fishing line, little slivers of wishful thinking. I haven't heard back in weeks after my fourth interview and yet I still don't want to give up on this dream job. Even still, I don't want to start until I can say I did something with this time I've spent lost. It's cutting into my hands, such thin bits of material can rip through flesh as they speed away. Oh how I would love to hear I got the job and they want me to start in January. Then I could relax and focus on accomplishing something. Ah-ha, another excuse.

What the hell is wrong with you? You don't have a job, you are getting unemployment, if you just focused you could accomplish something. You just need to pick one accomplishment and stay focused. You should also start looking for another job, if the dream job calls, great, but maybe the door has closed and you should look for what other door opened. Stop worrying about dropping balls. Just try not to drop another one thrown by a friend. Of course you could always tell these friends despite being unemployed you are overtaxed already. You've almost lost a year now. It's time to take control and create a new path.

Wow, this post took an odd turn. Interesting.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 26th, 2009 12:47 pm (UTC)
All will be well.
Oct. 26th, 2009 01:44 pm (UTC)
I HAVE been working and I feel as if I've acoomplished nothing.
Oct. 26th, 2009 02:17 pm (UTC)
Things will get better. Have you called about the dream job?
Oct. 26th, 2009 03:46 pm (UTC)
Too Self Critical
These are really difficult times. At a certain point we need to really look at that hamster wheel and see it for what it is. All compulsions and drives need to be called into question and traced to their true source.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )