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I’m meeting the Ex for lunch today. I have to admit I have some mixed feelings: anxiety, curiosity, hope, and apprehension. Every time I see Randy he drops some bit of news on me that has some sort of effect on me. Whether it’s that he isn’t speaking to his mother, dating a barely legal guy, or moved out of his family’s apartment and into a residence hotel; He always tells me something that makes me wonder what has happened to him.

When we first met, he lived with his mother in a studio apartment. But within a month of meeting him he had moved out into a house on Mt. Davidson, bought a car and was focused on working towards a future. Randy was always thinking five steps ahead and it drove me mad. He made plans for us to live on a sailboat despite the fact that I was adamantly against that idea. He complained that I spent my money foolishly...like paying off his student loans. But he was always looking to and heading to the future.

When we broke up I was like a phoenix engulfed in flames. I burned everything I was away and recreated myself. I got a new job, moved out and started to make friends that were mine instead of his. I started to build myself up and grow back my sense of confidence and self worth. He seamed unaffected and for quite a while he acted as if I was just going away for a few days. Eventually he cracked and started to let his bitter feelings towards me show and we lost track of each other. Years later I would learn he lost his apartment and job. He gave most of his belongings away and moved back in to his mother’s studio apartment. I would say he was back where he was when I met him but he had a good job when I met him.

He has shown no sign of anything other than dreaming about improvement. No steps towards that 5th step. It makes me sad that he can’t seem to move forward without someone to inspire him to move. If he met some nice 30-50 something I would be ecstatic, but I will just be thankful that there hasn’t been too many young men pulled into his warped power dynamic.

I wonder what he’ll tell me today. I wonder what he will think of all my gray hairs. I wonder if he will ever improve his life for himself.



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 23rd, 2008 05:05 am (UTC)
He ... moved back in to his mother’s studio apartment.

Did his mother just own the apartment, or did she actually live there, too?

My mother is the most beautiful, shining soul in the entire universe, but if I had to live with her in a single room, I'd kill her, and then myself.
Apr. 23rd, 2008 06:13 pm (UTC)
No, he lived in the studio apartment WITH his mother. I couldn't live with Tom in a studio apartment. I don't understand why he ever thought it was a good enough idea to do it.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )