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I used to have a freind.

It’s funny I have this post tumbling in my head about a wonderful time I had years ago but, I feel that I need to make new year posts. I don't have the time for a summation or to think about my wishlist for the coming year, so I’m going to do a quick post about about a damaged heart.

2006 was quite a year for me. It was full of so many things at times I felt I like a Chyna Doll in Nicole Richie’s tightest dress. One of the things that had a big impact on me was the falling out I had with one of my best friends Malakai. I have to admit that making this post makes me a little nervous. After all he is on LJ and we have many friends in common.

What is really strange unless you were in the know, you would never have known there was any difficulty between us if you stood in the room with us. We were friendly to each other. But on LJ it wasn’t friendly. Names were left out and stabs were taken. It was the vicious kind of attack were the readers came to the defense of the poster and vilified the unnamed subject.

At first I felt as if I had messed up and deserved the attack. I tried to apologies but the only response I got were more posts. Eventually he removed me from his friends list so I did the same because whenever I read his blog I became upset about being attacked.

Tom became really angry with Mal, Tom always said I was too generous with him and to have him turn on me the way he did really struck Tom’s loyalty chord. Eventually I came around to see things similarly. I have quite a few friends who are still friends with Mal and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m not one to have people pick sides. Despite the Spanish linguistics Mal isn’t a bad person. He’s fun, smart and interesting.

Now I can take a lot of bad, I’m excessively tolerant and forgiving, but I’m not stupid. I’m not a punching bag. I became very angry with Malakai. The song I loved so much that he introduced me to had now become a painful provoking noise. I never struck back at him, at least I don’t think I did. It’s not my way. I just walked out as if it was a movie that I had lost interest in. Since I was usually the one calling him and making the effort to maintain our friendship it took very little to end communication.

While I do miss him, he was always able to put a smile on my face with a quip and a gesture, I will not be taking him back anytime in the foreseeable future. I’ve been hurt to much. I had to walk away. To say it didn’t hurt me to do so would just be a cover up. For months I put on a strong face and pretended I wasn’t wounded as badly as I was. After all it was just an end to a friendship, that’s not that big of a deal. But I had never lost a friend in this way as an adult. They normally ended by growing apart over time or loosing contact, not because the friendship had soured. It’s pretty appropriate that our friendship started on LJ and ended here as well. All because I made a post about going to the dermatologist and not having a good experience. Insert skin condition joke here.

Crazy (Nelly Furtado vs Gnarls Barkley) - A plus D

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
sisyphus238
Jan. 6th, 2007 03:39 am (UTC)
I had a suspicious skin condition and my brother froze it with liquid nitrogen.
bete_lumineux
Jan. 11th, 2007 01:58 am (UTC)
pt 1
I'm glad you posted this.

I spent about an hour after reading it going back over my own posts thinking to myself, "My god, did I really attack him?" Then I wrote this, ran some errands, and went through the whole process again hours after originally writing this reply just to be sure I was clear on what you wrote and clear about how I wanted to reply.

I didn't attack you, Eric, and I certainly wasn't vicious to you, ever. Go back and read it... I've gone back over it and over it. I think you've spent too long internalizing it all and letting other people's opinions validate that misconception... but I was never vicious to you, nor did I ever attack you.

I was(am) angry and frustrated with you, and I said as much in a single entry... I balanced that modicum of angry venting with strong points both in the original post and VERY clearly in the comments of same, that I wasn't putting the blame of falling out with multiple people in my life on others--you being only one of them--but I was accepting that the falling outs that were happening were as much or more to do with me as they were anyone else.

After that entry, I didn't revisit the topic.
(continued...)

bete_lumineux
Jan. 11th, 2007 01:58 am (UTC)
pt 2

(continued...)

I was hurt. Happens a lot to us all... from the sound of this entry, I think you're understanding where I was coming from... things like putting on a strong demeanor in the face of things like being blown off by people you care(d) about. In fact, I didn't even beat around the bush when it came to saying I would have loved to hang out, I just needed to know what my value was as a friend to you... that there was any at all or that neither you nor any of the other people I was stepping away from in my life at the time were at all in the wrong.

As far as the Tom stuff... I sat here for a while, a long while mind you, trying not to retort with something rude and un-constructive. The fact is, Tom never much cared for me or any number of your other friends. That he pretended cordiality while constantly denigrating us with sarcasm and outright catty rudeness... right in front of you and other friends, but mostly behind each of our backs... I think that says a lot about his own character and how concerned I am with his opinion on this whole matter or what strikes his "loyalty chord".

I meant what I said in starting this reply... I'm glad you posted this. At first it was because I thought it might mean we could talk to one another again and process the whole falling out... now that I've re-read it several times, I'm not as sure about that. I see the olive-branch innuendoes being thrown out... just communicating about it at all and your effort at pillowing harsh statements with things like 'but he's not really a bad person.' When I read it through a few times, however; you couch as many cuts as you do compliments and once again, nothing is clear about where you stand.

You know as well as I do that the whole boss/friend/death issue was the tip of the iceberg. It was the last straw for me, not the whole problem. That you could try to shunt all of this onto such a superficial premise disappoints me. I explained it to you pretty clearly more than a month before face to face. You hung out with me when the rest of your friends were otherwise occupied, otherwise I just got to hear about how much fun you had at this event or that week's fun after the fact. I watched you use your boyfriend as an excuse to blow off other people or just avoid personal confrontation in the first place and then you started doing it with me. If you felt, for any period of time, that you actually were the only one "calling ... and making the effort to maintain our friendship" maybe it was because I gave up on it months prior.

As to your taking me back in the foreseeable future? Don't expect me to go out of my way in the least to change that viewpoint. We stepped away from each other, Eric. It wasn't over a single post, not a single event, not even some easily explainable tension between the two of us, nor is it fair to use anyone else's opinion to validate the laying of blame. Like any issue in any type of relationship the reasons we both stepped away are plenty. Neither of us gets to stand on some high place to solely consider whether the other is worthy of being befriended again. If we do it, it's because it's good for both of us, because we both want it, and because the tenuous thread of friendship between us is strong and valuable enough to the both of us it will help get us over what's grown to become a pretty big rift.

It's not an easy thing to do when we both feel hurt and vulnerable... I'm happy to hear you miss me, just as I miss you... despite the current outcome at least we were able to enjoy some solid connection and friendship beforehand.

-Mal
monkeyx3
Jan. 12th, 2007 02:40 am (UTC)
Re: pt 2
I felt quite a few emotions when I read your comments. I also contemplated quite a few responses but I waited. I wanted my response to have focus and bring to fruition my desired outcome. I didn’t want to argue or apologize. I didn’t want to hurt you further nor play the blame game. I want you to know that I really enjoyed being your friend. We had so much fun in such a short time and I learned a lot from you. You live life moment to moment and seize the things you desire.

I don’t have the energy to mend the friendship right now. It’s probably the way you felt when the last straw was dropped into place. I hope you will think of the good times rather than the bad when you think of me, I know I do of you.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )