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As the year ends time moves faster and it’s easier to notice changes. The leaves have lost their lush color or left the tree al together. As New Years Eve draws closer we begin to think about what we did with the year; our accomplishment, failures as well as our dreams for the upcoming year. Change is ever-present, a constant movement whether it is perceptible or not. Sometimes changes are so abrupt and so quick it’s disorienting, sometimes it freeing, and quite often they can be quite sad. Change is after all a violent thing. The Goddess Kali is the Goddess of creation and destruction, it is impossible to create without destroying.

I have quite a few friends who’s lives are going through great changes and they are bound to run a gambit of emotions. I tend to resist change. I was greatly upset when as a child I saw my great aunt again after five years, the five years had aged her so much it scared me. Big changes take bravery, it’s hard to destroy your life to create a new better one. Celebrities have to be very brave for in order to obtain the greatness they desire they have to risk the destruction of their friendships, career and safety. J-Lo didn’t get to where she is at because of her talent, she is where she is because of her drive, her bravery and ability to change. Madonna the master of change has managed to stay in the spotlight throughout the years practically through reinvention alone.

Sometimes I wonder who I could be through reinvention, would I like myself? I’m pretty happy with myself the way I am although no greatness is bound to enter me into history. I know I could make great changes, reinvent myself as anything I want to become. I could become famous if I was willing to destroy my current life. I don’t feel the need to do that though, I’m quite content with my status as non-celebrity. I think about the kids I grew up with the ones who didn’t make it make it to 20’s, the ones that changed their life by ending them, how they could have reinvented themselves so they could be who they wanted to be. Look at Michael Alig, he was a suicide waiting to happen and yet he changed himself into the ruler of the Club Kids... until he murdered a friend. But the point is he was able to take himself from being the outsider; lost and unwanted to the center of the NYC party scene.

I’m not looking for such dramatic change in my life nor are any of the friends I have been thinking of. My mind just wanders on the subject. In this next year, I will be living in a new part of San Francisco that seems like a different city from where I live now. It will be like moving to the suburbs. It will be interesting to see what the new dynamic will be as I move into a house that is Tom’s, not one that we rent. It will be interesting to see where my job leads me and if I will still be working in IT by the end of next year. I have outlasted average desktop lifespan of two years, I’m going on 8... Man does that make me feel tired. But the changes I will be going through are nothing compared to ones my lovely friends are sitting on the cusp of. Changes in their residence, the country they live in, their financial state, their work, relationships and even sexuality.

Some are going to have to find their way newly single with new roommates and altered friendships. One will be getting a visa in order to immigrate. A few will have to find new employment as their indentured servitude come to an end. I have hopes that a few of my friends will move to San Francisco. I fear change, because once you change you can’t go back. It’s natural to fear change, but there has yet to be a change in my life that has killed me. Each change has made me stronger. So to all my friends who are going through changes and reinvention, be brave and know you are strong enough and will come through this as an even better you! Just don’t kill your friends like Michael Alig!

Happy - Fischerspooner - Odyssey


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 14th, 2005 02:35 am (UTC)
The fear.
I spent a better part of my mid-twenties trying to reclaim the past. It felt as though it was the happiest time in my life and why should I try to do anything more? The silly thing is, while I was sitting there resisting change, it was happening behind my back. No matter if you actively pursue change or not, every day is completely different. Change happens with or without you. You just have to be willing to embrace it.

It finally got to the point where I wasn't who I used to be and I didn't side with my friends. I was always the one that had the drive and ability to move forward. They just stayed where they were, meanwhile, complaining that I was doing too much, going more places, and how dare I because they were more important than anything else. I grew weary of it all and my eyes became open wide to the possibilties of what could happen next. I guess that was the mother of my reinvention.

Like a plane, I couldn't sit in a holding pattern forever. It was time to take off and land in a different location. Friends are important, but not with an attitude like that. For me, I started to let change happen because I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to end up a 30 year old secretary that just sat around and smoked pot in their free time being satisfied in a hole in the wall apartment. I wanted to strive for something a little bit better and not get a guilt trip for running the show. Even if it was the littlest thing, like buying a new couch since I've always had a hand-me-down, living life rather than just existing in it is a beautiful thing.

Admittedly, the changes started getting bigger and pricer and scarier. I began a long battle with slowing down my relationships with a lot of old friends and getting out and making new ones. Despite all those smoke-filled years of my early and mid-twenties, I still managed to save money, surprisingly. I call that some pretty good parenting, despite my rebellion (I guess their want for a better future for me rubbed off.)

At 28, I was able to have a new house built. This year, I bought a brand new car and even finally was able to move on from just working a comfortable job into one that could be a career. Funny thing about that job; a lot of it is troubleshooting last minute changes. I owe the ease in which I do that with the strength I found in myself (and my family and new friends that were able to say the words I longed to hear, "You can do it.")
Dec. 14th, 2005 03:32 am (UTC)
Monkey. Thank You.

Dec. 14th, 2005 04:39 am (UTC)
Talk about synchronicity; The tv is on in the background and just before I started reading your post I hear mention of some guy being a "club King". Now that I mull it over, it's not all that relevant but I've already written it so there it is.
Dec. 14th, 2005 07:12 am (UTC)
Again, the wisdom that is Monkey - Pretty and smart in the same package. As one of the newly single, to the cloning chamber with you!
Dec. 14th, 2005 07:34 am (UTC)
yeah... don't worry. i'm not going to be killing any of my friends...
however, i might just move down to san francisco...
Dec. 16th, 2005 04:37 am (UTC)
Thank you.
It's funny that it isn't until nearly the end of the year, which is at such an arbitrary point in the modern calendar, that we begin to think of all that has changed in our lives. As you wrote, change is constant. My life has seen nothing but change over the past months, and I have been almost constantly aware of it. However, now that it's December, my awareness is even sharper.

Changes scare most people; there are times when they don't scare me as much and times when they really scare me. Even the changes that I know will bring good things have a little fear attached to them. I have managed to be brave and make all the changes I had to in my life, and they've brought me to better places and better possibilities, so I should feel less scared now, but it may be human nature to fear change.

I'm most afraid of a change leaving me isolated. I don't fear financial change, as I know I have something to fall back on. I fear changes in treatment a little, unless I have total confidence in my doctors.

I know I was one of the people you were thinking of when you wrote this, and I wanted to say a proper thank you for writing it. It reached me and reminded me to be strong and patient, and that there are people who love me, and that I can weather this change like all the others.

Final word: as changes come your way in the coming months, remember how strong previous changes made you, and remember that you are loved and cherished by your supportive friends, and remember this smart, well-written post!
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )