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The day I learned to fear my brother.

I have so many stories about my brother most people just assume that I am exaggerating or flat out lying. My brother is a character. Half of my friends who haven’t met him are scared of him the other half have morbid curiosity.

My brother was in jail with OJ, he was also kick out of the air force, he was once arrested in a sheriffs station in front of my father while trying to pay a parking ticket. My brothers worst enemy is himself, he is completely self-destructive. Of course for all of our childhood he considered me his worst enemy. He perceived me as the cause of all his problems, his life would have been better if I was never born, so he took all his anger out on me. It really is a wonder I am still alive with all the things he did to me as a child. We really do have an amazing ability to take a lot of damage and still bounce back. I was a very resilient child.

I get along with my brother pretty well considering our past, I think a lot of people would have written him into the dungeon and never spoken to him again. He once rendered me blind for a few days, but that is a story all to itself. Mike fractured my sternum, if it would have broken, it would have punctured my lungs. I still get angry when he claims it never happened.

What I wanted to write about here was the time my brother shot me. My brother and I were both very good shots with guns. Of course I was only allowed to shoot a BB gun because I was too little handle a real gun. I enjoyed putting ketchup packets into little clay monsters I would make to be targets that would bleed when I hit them. My dad enjoyed teaching us how to shoot. I remember when my dad let my brother fire his 30 aught 6 (I have no idea how it’s spelled- A really big gun!) My dad was very clear about how to stand and how to hold the gun. When my brother fired the gun it knocked him on his ass and gave him a bruise over his entire shoulder.

Luckily that gun was not the one he found on the day he shot me. It was just a pellet gun. My dad had bought it for my brother to practice with in our back yard. He was only allowed to use it when my dad was watching him and my dad kept it hidden somewhere in the house, but apparently he didn’t feel the need to hide it as well as the other guns. So on this one summer day that seemed just like every other was about to go very wrong for both me and my brother.

I have no idea what he was thinking, sometimes my brother is an idiot, especially when we were younger. When he found the pellet gun the first thing he started to do was hunt me inside the house. He got off a few shots which amazingly didn’t break anything, they just implanted themselves into the walls. I started to run for the front door, I got the door open and started through it when I was struck in the back. I screamed in my high pitched voice, I think I was somewhere around 6 years old. I know I was still little enough that I had to stand on the toilet in order to open the bathroom window.

I ran from the house one hand on my back, tears already streaming from my eyes. Behind me My brother was yelling at me to stop. I continued to run. I ran down the block, when I got to the other side of the block I slowed to a walking pace and began to wonder what I was supposed to do. I was scared of my brother but it was the middle of the day during the summer. All the adults were at work. Eventually I was walking full circle back towards my house. Maybe my brother had calmed down and would apologize for shooting me, Still crying from the pain and the scare I headed back to the house.

My brother was in front of the house with a few of the neighbor kids who were laughing at my tears. I walked past them and back into my house. Shortly after my brother followed. He intended to bully me into not telling. I was shocked that he wasn’t apologizing so I must have said something foolish like, “I’m telling.” Furniture started to fly around the room but luckily I have always been fast. I quickly ran into “the kids bathroom” and locked the door. It wasn’t long before my brother fist stopped banging on the door and his threats ceased. I began to relax. He was going away and I was safe again, but then I heard a noise. My brother had a screw driver and way prying the door hinge screw out of their casing. I knew it was only a matter of time before he would have the door off it’s hinges and I would be trapped in the small room with no way to escape.

I got up onto the toilet and tried to open the window. It was really hard to open but eventually It opened with a loud “thunk.” I still had to get the screen off which was held firmly in place with a wire wrapped around a screw. My brother must have heard the window open because before I had the screen all the way off he was on the other side of the window. This was my chance out of the bathroom. I bolted out of the bathroom door and ran to my parents room. Locked their door and the door that led from their bathroom to the laundry room. My brother was back inside and making quick work with my parents’ bedroom door. He was a lot faster this time. I retreated to my parents bathroom and locked that door as well. At least this bathroom had two doors, one to my parents room and the other to the laundry room. The hinges for the door that led to laundry room were inside the bathroom so my brother couldn’t get in that way but the other door was probably going to take even less time as he got better at pulling the doors off their hinges.

I began to devise my escape but as he finally got the door off it’s hinges and I bolted through the laundry room, my plan vanished from my mind now in panic. I ran into the family room and realized, I was screwed. I tried to keep the couch or table or whatever piece of furniture I could between us. He had a hold of my shirt, I was betrayed by the collar of my shirt as it began to choke me, he was twisting as he jerked my shirt back. I fell to the ground, my Nintendo entertainment system smashed into my side. I don’t think I registered it at the time. I was on my stomach when when he overturned the marble table on me. It slammed on my back knocking the wind out of me. Then he started to jump up and down on the table with me under it.

I don’t remember anything else from that day. I don’t know when it ended or how. I do know that when my parents came home they found two doors that were no longer attached, one was partially attached and the house looked like a war zone with furniture overturned and things broken everywhere and little bullets embedded in the walls. The pellet gun disappeared forever. I don’t remember telling my parents what had happened, but I assume that I did. I didn’t have any broken bones, but I still have the scar from where I was shot. My body would recover, my Nintendo would still work but it would never be the same. It had cracks in it from where it was also crushed by the marble table. It would take work to get the game cartridges in and out from then on. From that day on I would never depend on doors for safety again. I also learned not to expect my brother to ever show any sort of rational behavior. The next time I would have a run in with him I would climb a tree, something I would get very good at since my brother had a fear of heights. I wonder if I would still be here if my brother hadn’t fallen out of that tree and broken his arm when he was little.



( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 29th, 2005 08:34 am (UTC)
I'm stunned. I finished reading, and I'm just sitting here, not knowing what to say.

You deserve sainthood for forgiving him and still keeping in touch with him. I don't know if I would find that kind of forgiveness in my heart.

I'm shocked that your parents didn't see the problem and react to it. I know those were different times, and people didn't think in today's categories, but still. He could have killed you.

If we, as teachers, had a kid showing that kind of behaviour at school, we'd send him to a psychiatrist and have him on prescription drugs so strong, I don't know if he would remember his own name.

I'm so stunned, and all the more determined to meet you, because the fact that you forgive him just makes you all the more amazing a person.

I can't believe Tom got you to tell this story at a party. What the Hell was he thinking?
Jun. 30th, 2005 04:26 am (UTC)
That all happened when we were very little we have both grown quite a bit since then. I really thought I would never forgive him but as they say time heals all wounds. I used to plot my revenge... Of course it normally involved me being rich and successful and throwing banana peels at his homeless feet as I walked by. But believe it or not my brother is very lovable. Most of my friends that know my brother love him... But only in small doses.

My parents did see and react but they couldn’t be around all the time. They tried many different approaches and my brother was seeing a psychologist before he was 10. None of the different tactics they tried with him worked very well. My brother was doing drugs before he was even in high school. In high school and for quite a period afterward his drug of choice was Crystal Meth, there is no controlling people on that drug at all.

And of Tom, yes, what the hell was he thinking!
Jun. 29th, 2005 10:06 am (UTC)
I'm... amazed. And speechless.

You are so strong a person... if that was me I would have wrote him off years ago.

Jun. 29th, 2005 12:07 pm (UTC)
Jun. 29th, 2005 12:35 pm (UTC)
Wow that's some story. :/ Your brother sounds like he should seek some help if he still needs it at this age. You're lucky you're here to write this post.
Jun. 29th, 2005 01:23 pm (UTC)
I pictured you as a kid while reading this and it bought tears to my eyes.

*hugs* bud.

Jun. 30th, 2005 04:29 am (UTC)
Thanks. I got your CD and have been listening to it at work... when I've had a chance. They're really great. Thank you so much!
Jun. 30th, 2005 01:12 pm (UTC)
When Tiane listed the Session 4 mix. This is what he wrote about it.That is one of the reasons I liked it so much and is one of my favorites. I like River a lot as he likes to use songs seldom heard. I'm glad your enjoying them. Is that the kind of music you like?



Therapy Session 4

Philophobia - Fear of Love

First of all, I would like to dedicate this mix to my soul mate Sharon. She is the inspiration behind all the mixes that you hear from me. I want to thank her for giving me the time and space that I need away from her to make these mixes for all of you guys to listen to. I love her for being behind me a 100% in everything that I do in life and the enormous amount of love that she has for me. I look at her every day and feel that I am the luckiest person in the world. My love for her is never ending and will continue to grow for the rest of our lives.

To feel true love is to have lived a full life. There is nothing like it...whether it is love for a person or the love of doing something like mixing music, the true passion for it is what makes it real. You live and you would die for it...it consumes you when you are awake and in your dreams. That is what love is.

True love is the most powerful emotion one can feel and when it is taken away from you, it can be hard to deal with. That is why people are scared to fall in love again becuase of such pain they felt when it was taken away from them. Love does hurt, but love does not come just once in your life, it can come many times. It's not something you look or try to find...it just happens if you open yourself to it.

As human beings, we must learn to love one another no matter what race or gender. We are all the same and we are all capable of love and being loved. Open your mind and your heart and make the most of every day that you have on this earth. Look into your loved ones eyes and feel the energy that flows through you. I do that everyday with Sharon and that is why I do not fear Love...Happy Valentine's Day Baby!!!!! :)

cue sheet

This is pretty much all vocal trance. Starts off very chill and ends with some beautiful trance. :)

Jun. 29th, 2005 02:51 pm (UTC)
jeezuz monkey
yer stories about him make me glad i only had to deal with a younger sister
poor kid
Jun. 29th, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC)
I'm glad that you survived your childhood and amazed you never plotted to kill your brother. You're the (much) better man for choosing the high road in this situation.
Jun. 29th, 2005 03:17 pm (UTC)
So glad I'm the oldest of my siblings.
Jun. 29th, 2005 03:31 pm (UTC)
when you tell stories like this i have to remind myself not to steal your thunder. although not exactly like this, of course i have my own story that involves pellet rifles and older brothers. i'll write my own story in my own blog, don't worry...

i personally think the whole chasing and coffee table bit are much more traumatizing then the being shot. and of course there's your poor nintendo system...

your right, telling this story to strangers is not the most appropriate ice breaker.
Jun. 29th, 2005 04:17 pm (UTC)
Um . . . did it occur to your parents that there might be something wrong with your brother's mind? That, aside from getting him assessed and helped, that maybe he should have been removed from your rnvironment?
Jun. 29th, 2005 04:50 pm (UTC)
that is so awful...i am so sorry!!! :(

Skip has a similar story. His cousin shot him through the leg with a bow and arrow. he has a big scar and a pain forever.
Jun. 29th, 2005 05:52 pm (UTC)
I'm somewhat surprised that your brother hasn't disintigrated from the absolute hatred being directed at him from people he's never met.
Jun. 29th, 2005 07:46 pm (UTC)
You are incredibly forgiving, I would have plotted my revenge for years! I have a friend whose brother stabbed him 8 times in the back when they were kids. Siblings are bastards.
Jun. 29th, 2005 10:13 pm (UTC)
I wouldn't have forgiven him for the entire collection of experiences. I haven't forgiven my brother for similar things, and I don't miss him in my life. He's enough years older than me that we were never really close growing up so it's easier for me to consider him not a part of my life than to try and deal with his madness.

I have more respect for your approach. It's beyond me.
Jun. 29th, 2005 10:48 pm (UTC)
Two words: Holy Crap. I don't really know that I can say much more. I can't imagine what childhood must've been like with your arch-nemesis living in the house with you. Talk about living in a constant state of fear ...
Jun. 29th, 2005 10:57 pm (UTC)
I'm the 3rd of 4 siblings. My two older brothers used to pick on me. The oldest was the worst. He really knew what buttons to push and I was fairly terrorized. My other brother picked on me because the older one did and he thought that that's just what you do. His heart wasn't in it though. Nothing they did to me, though, comes anywhere close to what your brother pulled on you. That's just outrageous. Didn't he suffer any consequences? I mean, my brother's activity was all in the 50s, I guess people did that kinda shit back then but, again, nothing they did compares with what your brother did.

You said something in your journal after getting back from your Portland trip about an uneasy feeling as we went up the hills to that overlook. I have a better notion as to where such thought must emanate.
Jun. 30th, 2005 01:59 am (UTC)
Sweetheart, that's one fucked up story. I'm glad you're still around...but, you haven't had therapy about this yet?!?!?!

I dig your avatar, too.
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )


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