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No pancakes for you!

Okay, so I'm from out of town and don't know you all that well but"he didn’t shun me like some of the other gay boy clicks there have been at the company."
What's up wid dat!? I know I'm biased but who in their right mind would shun YOU!? Is the world that messed up?
- sisyphus238

There is one thing that working at this company has taught me, it’s sometimes life can be like a after-school special. Shortly after I started at this job I was asked to do a photo shoot for Apple’s new product launch the iBook. The shoot was a disaster... I can pose and model as can be seen in my user pictures but when I showed up they didn’t want a model they wanted a spokesman or an actor. They had video cameras. They wanted me to talk about how I used my iBook... Um, I had never seen one before, I had never owned one before, I had never spoken in front of a camera before. It was a total disaster and I was terrified that they would use any of the footage at MacWorld the next day. The one good thing that came out of it was a met this really cool guy who was insanely sexy.

He worked for the same company as me but in another office. He was a laid back kind of guy with amazing style, cool hair, great taste in music and tons of confidence,something I completely lacked. His name is Ryan and I thought he was so hot, I sort of wanted to be him.

When all the little offices moved into the one big office we are in now, he became one of the people I supported. I would swing by to check on if he needed anything more often than others. He worked really closely with another cool gay boy named Matty. Matty is one of the sweetest men I have ever met. They were part of a click... I thought of them as the cool gay boys. I wanted to be a part of their click, but I was always kept just outside. They were nice to me but I never got invited to an of their events or anything at all. Before I go any further let me say that I am friends with Ryan now, if you read all the way through maybe you will understand why.

One Saturday my relationship Ryan was changed by eight words that stomped my heart with golf shoes. I was meeting friends for a day of garage sale-ing. I was feeling lazy and wanted to get a good breakfast with the work or cleanup so I walked to Orphan Andy’s for pancakes, eggs, bacon and sausage. I was feeling proud of myself for going out on my own for breakfast, this was back in 1999 when I was still fighting with agoraphobia. When I walked into the restaurant there was one seat available at the counter (how lucky was I?) and it was right next to Ryan (oh, my god... Score, SO lucky!). He was eating with another coworker who was in their click that I wasn’t the biggest fan of.

When I sat down and said Hello I was so happy that I wouldn’t be eating by myself, but within two minutes I would have been happier alone. After the smallest amount of hellos he asked why I was eating alone. I explained myself, he looked at me, stalled, clicked his jaw and said the eight words, “Wouldn’t a bowl of cereal have been easier?” and having said those words he turned first his head and then his back to me. I sat there feeling hurt, self conscious, ashamed, fooled, but more than anything I was angry.

I thought he was my friend and my wake up call was definitely rude. I hated him for a long time. I would put on a nice face but I seethed inside. I would take special glee when I would helping Matty and he would be complaining about the Abercrombie boys. I still have no idea who they were but Matty and Ryan thought the Abercrombie click were where it was at, and they didn’t pay them any attention, they were standoffish to them. Interesting how they hated to be treated they way they treated others. Well actually, like I said, Matty was always really nice to me.

Then the company declared bankruptcy and layoffs began. Matty was one of the first to go. His office has a sign in the window that read, “In case of layoffs break glass!” Sadly he never got to break the window. By the time the 20 rounds of layoffs were over the Abercrombie boys were gone as well as Ryan’s whole click. Of course so was mine. I became closer friends with David, Natalie and Oliva. Eventually though all the strife and hard times Ryan and I became friends. We were more alike than most of the other people in the office. We are both gay, like the same music, and have great T-shirt collections. We had become friends mainly through the “enemy of my enemy is my friend” sort of thing. I will always hold him at an arms length distance out of distrust but after going through all the stuff we have, I consider him my friend and I know he thinks the same. He doesn’t work here anymore but I still get IMs from him checking up on me every now and then.

Now go do your homework before so you can have it finished before dinner.

Walking With A Ghost - Tegan And Sara - So Jealous


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 18th, 2005 05:27 am (UTC)
Not that I really know anything about Ryan, but sometimes I feel like I exhibit "click" behavior even though I am anti-click because it is just easier to talk to my friends rather than someone new who I may find totally cool but be intimidated by. On the other hand, that cereal comment was out of left field.
Jun. 18th, 2005 05:48 pm (UTC)
Most of the cliques I've been "in" formed out of sheer indisposition to exert ourselves (also, you know, liking each other). Branching out and inviting others in takes effort. I'm guessing Ryan hurt you when you were both in your twenties? Tricky decade.
Jun. 19th, 2005 02:07 am (UTC)
Seriously, what is his malfunction?

I agree with
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Seriously, what is his malfunction?

I agree with <lj-user=sisyphus238> - what moron would shun Monkey?

You're the kind of gay guy I hope I am able to grow into - happily geeky, loved, and confident in yourself. Thinks I have a hard time reconciling.

So =P to Ryan and clickishness!
Jun. 19th, 2005 07:20 am (UTC)

Jun. 19th, 2005 03:38 pm (UTC)
I WON'T do my homework! So there! :p
You're a hell of a lot more forgiving than I am. To have reacted like that when you joined them at the breakfast table was incredibly rude and spiteful. It sounds like the stereotype of the stylish gay man who's all about himself.

Still, I already knew you have a depth of good in you and you can forgive, so I shouldn't be surprised.

Cliques are something I always managed to be outside of: somehow, I was able to fit in with whoever I met. A social chameleon, I would find a topic with whatever group I wanted to spend time with, and know how to behave. At school, the sporty kids liked me even though I was crap at team sports, because I was fit and smart and helped them get through the tougher classes. And because I could win any fight. The computer kids and comic book kids liked me because I knew comic books. The heavy metal heads liked me even though I hated heavy metal back then, because I still considered it music and didn't make them feel like outcasts.

The advantage to all this chameleonism was that no-one had to feel left out, because I linked all the groups together. I knew stuff about everyone.
I knew how to make them feel included, and was a good negotiator.

I despised anyone who tried to make someone else feel small or outcast, and that's what my feelings towards that guy would have been on that Saturday morning.
Jun. 20th, 2005 07:06 pm (UTC)
You must have the biggest heart or anyone I know. But to say that to you was down right rude. I was lucky as I always went my own way. Never depended on other. Especially who I perceived as the "in" crowd.

Sort of like a loner type. But if I befriend you. It's for life. Unless you pull something really really bad and my trust gets broken.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )