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What I know...

Drunken post.... Comments disabled.

What I know...
I'm conflict avoident, you can't get a answer out of me sometimes. I just sit there silent not knowing what to say. Silent because I take too long to process what is being said and what I am feeling. I wait for the right answer and when it comes the conversation has moved on... sometimes by days.

Everything you said is true although I may not have chosen those words. I am not a selfless person, I look out for myself. I have been the only person I could depend on, other people will eventually let you down. I would have though you would have learned this by now. You can't hold everyone to your standards. Haven't you seen the bumper sticker "People suck"? You should look out for yourself first too, your life would be better.

I love you. I always will. Love is something that lasts forever. Lust fades but if it was love, it's like a protein stain, it's forever, no amount of bleach is going to get rid of it. None of that Oxyclean shit isn't going to clean the slate.

I'm always confused. I never know what's going on. My hind site isn't even 20/20, I have no chance with the present. it's like I am looking at the world through a microscope, too close to see what things really are. This is me in so many ways... to focused to see what is right in front of me.

I'm upset, I've been upset for a while. It's not something that happens with me very often. I am not one who cries easily and yet lately I have felt like crying at least once a day. I am trapped at work. I am watching my friends leave, and those who stay with sad looks on their faces. The same look I am trying to hide. It's like during the layoffs and when I would show up at my friend's desks and instead of seeing them happy to see me, seeing them with the knowing look on their face that they were about to get a call from HR and I was going to take their computer away. Things are bad again and I want to cry but I should just "buck up", I'm an adult... but after five year of this shit, I'm tired, I'm worn out, I can't do it anymore.

You may not think I hear what you say, but I do. The words echo in my head like a bad antacid jingle. I hear then and don't respond due to my conflict paralysis but I remember them. I know what you are thinking and what you believe I think, and it's not true... and it's not your fault, I'm the one who needs to learn how to speak.