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I am having trouble sleeping I have a meeting early in the morning that I’m a bit pissed off about. I was so mad earlier in the day that I sent an email to the CIO (or whatever the big man who is my ultimate boss is calling himself these days) how unpleased I was that he was involving me in a meeting so early in the morning after doing hard labor over the weekend and coming in early today. I don’t get nervous around big wigs. I am professional but I speak my mind. I used to fix Dan Case’s email, it cracks me up that his brother Steve ran AOL for so long and yet Dan didn’t even know how to check his own... His assistant would print his emails, he would write notes on them and once again his assistant would email his response.

Sorry about my crazy Ellen segment... here goes. I don’t get nervous around big wigs, I don’t freak out around doctors (unless my pants are down), beautiful people, or even if I am the only white boy in the whole area. None of those things phase me. If you ever want to see me stiffen up out of nervousness. Just watch me around young people. It’s as if I expect them unsheath metal claws and rip open my belly as they tell me they don’t want to pick me for their team because I suck more than any other has sucked before.

It really makes no sense. Especially since I have taught so many kids. I used to teach the computer class at Grant Elementary in Paramount and I taught a science to fifth graders in Long Beach. All my kids were great. None of them attacked me, sure some of them drove me mad but they all liked me. I was still scared of them. I kept most of myself hidden from them, scared of what might happen if they found out I was gay or whatever else popped into my head that they would not find acceptable.

Tom has the most wonderful nephew who LOVES me, he thinks I am Shaggy from Scooby Doo or at least he used. He knows I am Tom’s boyfriend but I am still a bit nervous around him. He has never said or done anything that should make me nervous about anything, the kid thinks the world of me. I need to just get over it.

The nervousness doesn’t stop with just kids, it also includes teenagers, the most vicious and judgmental of ages. Teenagers can scare the crap out of me. The words they say can cut deeper and contain more venom because there is always so much self doubt within themselves. Of course I am less freaked out by gay teens but there is still that fear of being judged, being put down and not being picked to play. Funny how I would rather face the big wig of some company than someone under 20 with no job title at all.

Comments

ewe_2
Jun. 7th, 2005 12:39 pm (UTC)
I think being gay we can all say there are times we feel the same. Definitely with teen agers.

Where we live is a very small town. Most of the neighboring children have grown up knowing us. We hung out with their parents. Even going to watch the kids in softball games and such. When they got older some admitted that they were harassed because their parents hung around with "fags". And it was usually the kids from the wealthier families that harassed them. But not one of them ever showed un anything other than respect. And I hope that maybe they set an example to the other kids.

Good luck at the meeting.

:-)

D