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I am having trouble sleeping I have a meeting early in the morning that I’m a bit pissed off about. I was so mad earlier in the day that I sent an email to the CIO (or whatever the big man who is my ultimate boss is calling himself these days) how unpleased I was that he was involving me in a meeting so early in the morning after doing hard labor over the weekend and coming in early today. I don’t get nervous around big wigs. I am professional but I speak my mind. I used to fix Dan Case’s email, it cracks me up that his brother Steve ran AOL for so long and yet Dan didn’t even know how to check his own... His assistant would print his emails, he would write notes on them and once again his assistant would email his response.

Sorry about my crazy Ellen segment... here goes. I don’t get nervous around big wigs, I don’t freak out around doctors (unless my pants are down), beautiful people, or even if I am the only white boy in the whole area. None of those things phase me. If you ever want to see me stiffen up out of nervousness. Just watch me around young people. It’s as if I expect them unsheath metal claws and rip open my belly as they tell me they don’t want to pick me for their team because I suck more than any other has sucked before.

It really makes no sense. Especially since I have taught so many kids. I used to teach the computer class at Grant Elementary in Paramount and I taught a science to fifth graders in Long Beach. All my kids were great. None of them attacked me, sure some of them drove me mad but they all liked me. I was still scared of them. I kept most of myself hidden from them, scared of what might happen if they found out I was gay or whatever else popped into my head that they would not find acceptable.

Tom has the most wonderful nephew who LOVES me, he thinks I am Shaggy from Scooby Doo or at least he used. He knows I am Tom’s boyfriend but I am still a bit nervous around him. He has never said or done anything that should make me nervous about anything, the kid thinks the world of me. I need to just get over it.

The nervousness doesn’t stop with just kids, it also includes teenagers, the most vicious and judgmental of ages. Teenagers can scare the crap out of me. The words they say can cut deeper and contain more venom because there is always so much self doubt within themselves. Of course I am less freaked out by gay teens but there is still that fear of being judged, being put down and not being picked to play. Funny how I would rather face the big wig of some company than someone under 20 with no job title at all.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 7th, 2005 12:39 pm (UTC)
I think being gay we can all say there are times we feel the same. Definitely with teen agers.

Where we live is a very small town. Most of the neighboring children have grown up knowing us. We hung out with their parents. Even going to watch the kids in softball games and such. When they got older some admitted that they were harassed because their parents hung around with "fags". And it was usually the kids from the wealthier families that harassed them. But not one of them ever showed un anything other than respect. And I hope that maybe they set an example to the other kids.

Good luck at the meeting.



Jun. 7th, 2005 01:44 pm (UTC)
That is really interesting. I do agree with you though. Teenagers are the worst critics of all. I've taught and worked with teens for a long time. They are able to deliver major blows to your self esteem with the flick of their tongues. I still love them though.
Jun. 7th, 2005 02:08 pm (UTC)
Children are not my favourite people in the world either. Whether that's just the way I am or that's the person I've become, I find it difficult to communicate with children. They make me uneasy, and I feel stressed because I can't figure out what they want or what they are thinking. I also think they are constantly about to hurt themselves, so I feel like I have to watch them constantly.

And yet, kids are generally fascinated by me!

Teenagers, I can handle. I know what to say, and how to say it.

There is a condition which is basically a fear of children. I know a woman in Florida who is almost paralyzed when she's around kids. It just happens sometimes. The way you write about this reminds me of things she has said.

I think kids would like you, and I don't think they'd judge you. However, I know it's a long way from hearing that to really believing it.

Hope the meeting went well and you kicked the CIO's butt.
Jun. 7th, 2005 02:14 pm (UTC)
i worked with kids for years (special education aide/child care counselor) and since i'm a big kid myself i have no problems just goofing off with them. teenagers, on the other hand, are starting to annoy and confuse me. i think it's just a natural part of getting older but now when i have to talk to random ones in the library they give me this look as if instead of asking them a question i had made farting noises with my mouth. 'who's this weirdo talking to me?' i guess sometimes i forget that when you're that age everyone any other age is either a stupid little kid or the enemy...
Jun. 8th, 2005 12:50 am (UTC)
I would never have guessed that you would be phased by anyone despite having heard you say that you would be. I ssometimes have that going on with my niece and nephew. They are now 15 and 17 and sometimes the things they say can cut me to the quick. I think that part of it has to do with their having known me all their lives sso they feel that they can. I also don't lord the age thing over them so they probably don't consider it. To them I'm just Brian and I can be put in my place like anyone else who isn't a parent.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )