Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Walk on by, don't stop.

I hate being alone for long periods of time. Loneliness and sadness creep in and drag my heart down to the floor. I want to cry for no reason. I need the sounds of people around me. Why do I get so sad? It's not like I will be alone forever or my life sucks in any way. I have a charmed life. But when I'm alone it's as if the Dementors come around, suck the happiness away and no amount of chocolate can help me. Happy songs become sad anthems. I try to do things so I can at least have the feeling of accomplishment. After a few hours my face droops with all the hope sucked out of me. I don't know how bender772 has been able to do it for all these months. I am truly a social creature. No wonder it was so easy for Randy to break me.


( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 14th, 2005 12:51 am (UTC)
Aww that made me feel so sad for you. I hate being lonely too. I'm a people person. I was living alone for a period of time before my husband was able to move down here. I felt really dark inside.
Feb. 14th, 2005 12:53 am (UTC)
I love you:)
Feb. 14th, 2005 01:01 am (UTC)
I, too, hate being alone for long periods of time. As a pre-junior, I had a single-bedroom apartment off campus that was about a mile away in a directin that students didn't usually live in. S I saw my friends at school and that was about it. And the loneliness just eats away at your soul when you're on your own. Of course, for people who hate being alone, there are always moments when we need to be alone, too.

So, *hugs* and it'll get better real fast :-)
Feb. 14th, 2005 06:18 pm (UTC)
You were right. bete_lumineux called and we spent the evening playing video games and talking. YAY!
Feb. 14th, 2005 06:42 pm (UTC)
Hehehe. MUCH better than my evening - I spent it with EPANet and AutoCad doing homework till 1:3oAM. Yuk!

Did you win?
Feb. 14th, 2005 01:25 am (UTC)
As one who has spent too much time alone I can only feel for you. How can this be happening to you though? Has the city suddenly emptied out? I owe you an email which I will get to once this cold allows me to have consecutive thoughts.
Feb. 14th, 2005 06:16 pm (UTC)
It felt that way. I had made plans to hang out with Malakai but I was thinking early afternoon and he was thinking evening. I remembered to not wait for Malakai (his advice) and started to make calls and get people's voicemail. or if I did get a hold of a real person, they were on there way into a movie or out of town.
Feb. 14th, 2005 01:31 am (UTC)
By the way, I just looked through the Many Faces of Monkey. Some people aren't meant to be loners. Where is the Randy link?
Feb. 14th, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)

Watch out it's a long one and it doesn't even begin to cover how damaged I became. But it is one of the things that makes me such a fighter today. I will never go back into that darkness.
Feb. 14th, 2005 06:36 pm (UTC)
That's okay. It's my day off (thank god since the cold is still here and, while mitigated by the Zycam®, it's left me feeling quite less than chipper) and I have nothing but time.
Feb. 14th, 2005 01:44 am (UTC)
yes, I understand the angles. I think that's why being a musician was so hard on me, because of all the practicing by myself (even if I did like to work on my technique and feel I was getting somewhere, but of course that didn't always happen). although I'm with people more in my present job, it's not exactly like hanging with my peers, or nice boys. somehow, I guess I've learned how to keep myself busy enough to sometimes ignore that feeling of nothingness, of loneliness.

Feb. 14th, 2005 06:32 am (UTC)
It hasn't been easy. :(
Feb. 14th, 2005 02:16 pm (UTC)
*Hugs* buddy.
I can't even imagine you sad. I hope this is only temporary. Happy Valentines day sweetie.

Feb. 14th, 2005 04:01 pm (UTC)
Be Careful It Can Be Habit Forming.
I'm finding that being social is a lot like getting out and exercise. It is very easy to give into inertia and when the time comes to get the fuck out of the warm comfortable, empty nest you just remember all the bad things. It is all about overcomming inertia, hopefully.

I think, attractive options and alternatives are always more limited than we would like. The perception or worse, the reality that there are no options is an emergency.

I have yet to meet a solitude junkie who has been able to sell me on the life style.
Feb. 14th, 2005 04:04 pm (UTC)
I also hate being alone. I almost called you after rehearsal yesterday to see what you were up to, but I thought from something I read (?) on your LJ that you had plans with someone for Sunday afternoon....

Feb. 14th, 2005 06:09 pm (UTC)
Malakai was supposed to come over and play video games but he was unavailable until 5pm. I was beginning to think I was beginning to think I was going to go the whole day without seeing anyone except my neighbors... and that's a whole 'nother entry.
Feb. 14th, 2005 06:19 pm (UTC)
See, and I could have had brunch with you during the two hours between church and opera rehearsal had I but known. I just assumed you would be sleeping off a hangover.....*cough cough*......so I didn't call. : )
Feb. 14th, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry about that! I was a bad bad Monkey! It all started off as an innocent drink... that lasted for too many drinks. As well as being out too late. Oh I burned your CDs. Tom had unplugged the burner for some reason.

Did you enjoy what you checked out from the library?
Feb. 14th, 2005 06:44 pm (UTC)
I'm mostly teasing you, but I think you know that. : )

The library selections have been excellent. I've been making slow progress, though, for reasons best not divulged on LJ. : )
Feb. 14th, 2005 09:59 pm (UTC)
Whereas I'm totally fine being alone for long periods of time. Between parents who made me feel either attacked or smothered, I learned that being by myself was good.

I love people one-on-one! I hug them and squeeze them and name them George. It's just in groups of more than one that they become troubling. The more people there are, the unhappier I become. Parties make me cry.

Multiple cats is cool, tho.
Sep. 12th, 2005 03:26 pm (UTC)
We understand each other.

You're so strong now, no-one could ever break you like that again. I believe in you.
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )