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"I'm not ready for a relationship"

In the midst of my few short months of my slut period I was drinking at my usual watering hole, Moby Dick. On most nights of the week you would find me sitting on the barstool closest to my old roommates register. I would enjoy those slow weeknights because our conversations were less interrupted. Michael would tell me stories about wild times, hot dates, messy drag queens, and kicking people out of the bar. I was dating two guys named Doug, although one had just sort of fell off the map without letting me now why, I found out latter he moved back to Sacramento because he got caught up in stronger stuff than his 12 plus espresso a day habit. I had also just started seeing Matthew, someone with whom I disagreed about everything. From our first meeting it was a constant argument. We had great fun picking apart the logic of each other’s point of view. It was such fun to debate everything. I miss Matthew. He also fell pray to the demon who devours the souls of gay men in San Francisco. The Demon that devours them and send them off to other cities is called Tina by some and Crystal by others.

On this night I was just came out to visit with Michael but the bar was incredibly busy. I was anxious to hear the end of whatever story Michael was telling me so I was just sipping my drink and keeping an eye on him. The girl next to me tapped my shoulder and asked me if I was from out of town. I thought it was an odd question and told her I was not and asked her why. “You aren’t talking to anyone and seem shy,” She replied, “and this guy right here just moved here from Canada. His name is Barry, what’s yours?”

And so I was introduced to Barry. He was cute. He has a squeaky voice, shaved head, stylish clothes and glasses. His teeth were a bit disturbing because they had a grey sheen to them. He said it was due to nerve damage and whiting wouldn’t help. Barry had a slender build unlike anyone I had ever been with. While he was taller than me I could easily pick him up and position him wherever I wanted him. It made sex really great! I had some of the best sex in my life with Barry in my loft bed, something else I greatly miss.

From the first night I met Barry I enjoyed our conversations. The thing that really stood out about Barry was his romantic side. I have never met someone that had the romance button tuned to ten all the time. He took me on some of the best dates of my life. Our first date was a picnic dinner at ocean beach complete with wine and marshmallows cooked over the bonfire he made from the wood he carried with us to the beach. The second date was a home cooked meal at his house. I was slightly worried about a fire since he lit the house with candles instead The third date was to a restaurant in Tibberon, I had never taken the Fairies out of the city so it was yet another adventure.

I enjoyed the conversations and all the dates but I had met Barry at the wrong time. I was just finally out dating again. I spent a year recovering from my relationship with Randy. I took the year to build back up my confidence and battle my fears. I was far to damaged to even think about dating someone. When I did start dating I did it with a vengeance. I told people straight up I didn’t want a boyfriend. I wasn’t ready to get back into that kind of a relationship. I wanted to hang out, have fun and finally have sex! I wanted to date guys but not get tied down with the troubles of maintaining a relationship.

The first night I met Barry I told him, I was dating three other guys and if he wasn’t ok with that we could just be friends, but he said it wasn’t a problem. That made me really happy because I liked Barry quite a bit from the very start. After a few weeks however things started to change. Barry started to want things to become more serious than I was comfortable with and he wanted the relationship to move faster. Within a month he was telling me he loved me. This floored me. I could understand him feeling infatuated with me but love, that seemed scary. I had only seen him maybe 12 times at the most. I felt uncomfortable being told I was loved by someone I barely knew. Sure I enjoyed the time we spent together a great deal but Love is not a word I use lightly with people. If I say it I really mean it. This was something that really upset Barry. I wouldn’t tell him I loved him back. I would just tell him I really liked him and enjoyed spending time with him.

After a while we were spending al of our time together fighting instead of having fun. I had stopped dating all those other guys but I had started dating Tom. I didn’t tell any of this to Barry. One fight I had with Barry was even while I was on a date with Tom. Eventually it just became too much and I told Barry it was over because we were not heading in the same direction. For the next few weeks when I would see Barry around town I would get one of two personalities, Either the “old friend, I miss you” personality or the “I hate you, you evil lying bastard” personality.

After a while the angrier personality was the one who most often greeted me. I seldom acknowledged him after a few months. I had always thought recovery from a relationship was half the time of the relationship, but with Barry it didn’t apply. When I was out having drinks with a roommate Barry came in sat behind me and started to tell everyone what a horrible person I was. I figured they all thought I was a bitch anyway so I decided to give him a nod, laugh it up and have a good time.

Eventually Barry moved away, at least that’s what I think since I never see him around anymore. I really don’t think he’s a bad guy, he would make a great boyfriend. He just came along when I didn’t want one and wouldn’t wait and moved far to fast. It took Tom four months for me to use the word boyfriend and two years to push me to move in together. He listened to me when I said, “ I need to take this slow.”

Whoa, I just realized what song was playing... It's freaky when the song matches the post and I didn't do it on purpose. Now I'm off to get my allergy shots and hang out with grubbybastard and southernpm

I'm Not In Love - 10cc - Bridget Jones - The Edge Of Reason


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 20th, 2005 03:59 am (UTC)
My life is far too sheltered. Thanks for showing what's necessary to make things happen. You and Drood are the real artists of this medium.
Jan. 20th, 2005 04:23 am (UTC)
funny, earlier Dreamcast was playing Free Style's Y (Please tell me), so I guess that matches the commenting mood.

interesting regarding your story and theme of ill-timing. it's almost as if someone's standing, smiling, dressed in a work uniform of strange proportions, saying, welcome to my life—I'm afraid I relate far too well to the Barry-side of your experiences. maybe not as romantic, I'm beginning to doubt I'm really that good. makes me think of a lyric, not too far off from how my dating/not-so-dating life has gone. yeah, I feel like I have major temporal issues, like maybe I should have been born tomorrow or yesterday or something of the sort.

mea culpa.
Jan. 20th, 2005 07:36 am (UTC)
great story. thanks for sharing - it gives me another perspective with which to think of the goings-on in my life =)
Jan. 20th, 2005 10:23 am (UTC)
Whew! You wore me out!!
After taking the time to read your adventures, it felt like I went through the fourth installment of The Lord of the Rings! So many plots and sub-plots.

Wow, you must really have had so much action.

Moi, I just live in The Shire where everything and everyday is the same. I have turned into a hobbit.

I could use some excitment like what you had...

Jan. 20th, 2005 10:39 am (UTC)
gosh. i just love it when ppl post posts about their pasts.. (gosh, that was HARD to type let alone hard to say!) anyway... thank you for opening up and sharing with us... god, i think you've had just about as much of a fuct up past as i have... so yeah, this is why i don't go out to the gay area that often anymore.. lol... too much drama!

hugs mwah!

Jan. 20th, 2005 10:32 pm (UTC)
*B* you so need to come visit out here :) I'm sure we can find you places to stay. :)

On a lighter note, Moby Dick's has always been my favorite place in the Castro. It reminds me of a typical NJ dive bar. That's a feeling of security I cannot deny.
Jan. 22nd, 2005 07:49 am (UTC)
Moby's is such a comfy great bar. I always feel welcome there. I really like bars that are not cruisey and I can let my guard down.

and... PANDA!
that is all!!
Jan. 22nd, 2005 07:46 am (UTC)
That sure was a lot of Ps! Drama... It seems harder to avoid drama on LJ than in real life. Gay people are just full of Drama and that is real life.

arkibet is right, you should come to SF. I'm sure you have enough Lj friends up here that if we each "kept" you for a night, you'd be here for weeks. If you gave me enough warning I'm sure I could get Tom to agree to let you stay with us for a week.
Jan. 20th, 2005 03:07 pm (UTC)
I can relate to this.
We are similar in many ways. I think that's way I like reading your posts. It jogs my memories of people past. It also makes me realize how lucky I am to be alive.

Thanks for sharing.


Jan. 22nd, 2005 07:51 am (UTC)
Re: I can relate to this.
It also makes me realize how lucky I am to be alive.
That is such an amazing compliment. Thank you!
Jan. 24th, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC)
Re: I can relate to this.
One of the reasons is that it gives me the opportunity to be able to meet people like you. I only know you through your journal. But I adore what I read and thus, adore you. You are alive. And vibrant. And living life to the fullest. You actually do love people.


Jan. 20th, 2005 04:50 pm (UTC)
I've been there.
I can relate to how you felt. I have the same thing with the L word - never use it unless you truly mean it. It's scary to see how easily peopel can confuse lusty friendship for true love, when there's so much difference between the two. Lust at first sight I believe in, but Love at first sight? Uh-hu, not here. It has to grow.

And also it must do so at its own pace. It's always sad when your SO gets therefaster, because there's no real right way to treat them from then on if they demand reciprocation. Either one is honest and hurts the SO badly, or one lies and does worse down the road. I learned how both feel the hard way.

I also stood in your shoes once, when a I guy I'd met just a month ago started wanting to see me every day or talked to his Mom about me in inlaws terms. I was barely starting to decide if I liked him as more than a casual date, so I just calle dit off. Took him six months to talk to me again, but in the end we parted good friends, better than the first time.

It's experiences like those that make one draw lines - like that L-word rule we share. They are painful, they hurt lastingly, but they are needed and can save more hurt down the road. You were upfront and honest with that guy. There is no shame in doing the right thing, even if there can be pain in it. Kudos for standing tall.

Wow, I sure can get wordy fast, now can't I? *LOL* Cheers,

El Q.
Jan. 20th, 2005 08:16 pm (UTC)
I know what you mean by that evil girl named Tina. She has taken several of our friends away. Sadly she has taken two to the grave just since Christmas. Wish there was a way to stop it.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )