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Welcome netphenix
Hope I don't scare you off with TMI on the first day...

I'm having trouble sleeping. I ate some chocolate and now it has my brain working too fast to shut down. I'm hopeful I can write enough to calm the little demons in my head down.

I was a malnourish child. I was a finicky and picky child. I was a stubborn and strong willed child. I really wore my parents down. I remember one battle very well, my mother had made something for dinner I didn't want; at this point anything beyond hot dogs, pepperoni pizza and PB&J was on the will not eat list. My parent felt they needed to gain control of me, so they did what all parents do to their kids on TV, they decided that I would get nothing else to eat until I finished the meal.

The next morning the same plate was sitting in front of me until I was finally excused to go play. My parents were sure I would be hungry latter. Lunch came and I didn't even look at the food. Dinner came and while everyone else had a new meal, I did not. I still ate nothing. That night after dinner I was sent to my room without getting to watch whatever TV show happened to be my favorite at the time. I think it was the A-Team.

I could hear my parents arguing in the front room. The only times I remember my parents arguing it was over how they were going to deal with my behavior. My mom being the mama bear defending her cub always won. Tonight winning meant she would cut her losses bring me some cereal and a bowl of ice cream. I had won. I had beaten my parents and thus had a terrible control over them. I had broken them.

My viewpoint of food was totally unhealthy. I didn't want to try anything new or different. I wouldn't eat anything with too many things in it. I wouldn't eat anything that resembled an animal. I would pretend to become ill if I was faced with something I was scared of. Somehow I would always find a bone in the very first bite of fish that I would nearly choke on. I was a parents nightmare. If there is one solid reason for me not to have kids it's karma and the whole, what goes around comes around principal.

My eating habits would not improve for quite some time so I would remain a very small kid until my 11th grade year. I would survive eating very few things and large amounts of candy. I was always the smallest boy in class. There was a girl named Cindy Rokiki who always the only kid smaller than me but she had a growth problem. A real one, not one due to poor eating diet.

My brother was such a terror that despite my finicky ways I was still considered the good kid. My parent spent a great deal of time dealing with my brother's purposeful bad behavior. I would constantly hear my mom ask my brother why he insisted on getting negative attention for his bad behavior. He still does it to this day. I always got attention by being the good one who didn't do bad things.

At least that what I thought for many years. In fact I got attention by being small and sickly thin. People would pay attention to me telling me I was too thin, too little, that I needed to eat more. I got special treatment from my parents and attention from other. It worked for me.

When I started high school and managed to get transferred to the downtown school, I was insanely happy to finally be away from my brother who being one of the school bullies always treated me like his worst enemy. Finally I was at a school where other kids didn't know they were supposed to pick on me because they saw my brother do it daily.

I learned an awful lot that first year of high school. The oddest thing being the way people's minds work. All the kids thought I was a senior. I was so little not even 100 pounds that sure I was some Dougie Houser. People just assumed because I was so little I had to be a genius in his last year of high school. But I was just a little guy who was currently living on Chewy chocolate chip granola bars.

During my eleventh grade year I finally began to eat some new things, but not very many. I discovered I liked egg rolls, bean and cheese burritos maybe even tacos. I grew over a foot that year and finally weighed over a hundred pounds.

If you would have asked me if I had an eating disorder I would have told you I was just picky, or naturally thin like my mother. But it was a disorder, not because I thought I was fat, or wanted to be thin, but as a way to get some attention. Being she shy quiet kid, this was the only way I knew how to get attention and it came naturally to me.

As terrible as this sounds there is something wonderful and euphoric about deprivation. I still have to fight urges to starve myself when I become upset. Some people eat when they are upset others don't. I had so many health problems due to my atrocious habits that my body will not tolerate that behavior anymore. There are certain things that happen to your body when it kicks into starvation mode and my body is now trained to jump into that mode quickly. I used to get migraine headaches several times a week, the doctors put me on codeine, because boys don't get eating disorders.

If you ask me now, if I have a eating disorder I will tell you. No, I don't, but I did have one and I beat it. I am not going to relapse. It doesn't control me anymore.

I am still fearful of lots of food but it doesn't stop me from trying things. Imagine my mom's surprise when she saw pictures of me eating escargot and steak tar tar. She is still freaked out that I eat Sashimi as well as Indian food. She thinks sushi and Indian food are dangerous. What can I say, I come from a family of people with food issues.

I've come a long way, and am very healthy. I'll have you know I'm quite proud that I have a few extra pounds. They're good for me. Currently I have 170 pounds on my 5'11" frame. I'm still not sure how I became the tallest person in my family since I ate nothing but candy for 16 years.


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 17th, 2005 11:59 am (UTC)
*blink blink* Oh-kay...
Well, that was certainly insightful. But, and I'm very sorry to disapoint you here, I don't scare THAT easily. No getting rid of the Frenchman so fast. *LOL*

I find the whole synopsis very interesting. I don't know (nor will I dare assume) that it has any bearing on how you work inside your head, but that you had this... disorder (Gods I hate that word) for so long and beat it on your own certainly seems to indicate a great deal of inner strength and fortitude.

But then again, you're a fellow Mac user in a Windooze world. So that was a given. *grin*

I don't know if I could wrap my younger years in such a nutshell. I've evolved and changed so much in the recent years that sometimes I look back at them wondering who is that stranger playing my role. *shrug* Maybe I should try and see if I can find such an axis in my life. It may be interesting to try.

But anyway, thank yo for sharing this (and may the gods bless chocolate and sugar high for making you do it. *LOL*) I look forward to picking your brains on this and many other subjects. You can find me here or on Yahoo Mess. at netphenix or (gasp!) AIM at netphenix5.


Jan. 17th, 2005 02:24 pm (UTC)
Re: *blink blink* Oh-kay...
YAY Macintosh!
Jan. 18th, 2005 05:55 am (UTC)
Re: *blink blink* Oh-kay...
Yay Mac Users! I didn't think you would scare easily, it just seems odd to make a post like this when I am also welcoming someone.

I found it very interesting that I discovered you had added me right after I finished booking my travel tickets to Paris! Gods bless the Chocolate mouse at Chez Janou!
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 18th, 2005 12:47 am (UTC)
Thank you!
Confessional- I had this brief moment of imagining myself in a colorful room talking to a video camera on a reality show. Pretty funny.
Jan. 17th, 2005 02:54 pm (UTC)
I'm a psychology student--

--and I can't tell you how many times I've listened to a professor claim that eating disorders are only present in females and male body builders.

I had one professor go so far as to tell us that as clinical psychologists, we will see cases of Anorexia/Bulimia Nervosa in females daily, but, the incidence in males is so rare, that in a lifetime of working as psychologists we will never face males with eating disorders; and should diagnose accordingly.

This is further evidence against psychologists who use a chart in a book to diagnose... but, I digress.
Jan. 18th, 2005 12:55 am (UTC)
I'm still a little shocked that a Dr. would prescribe huge doses of Codeine to a kid that weighed so little despite all the factors pointing to an eating disorder. Fix the symptoms not the problem, I guess.
Jan. 17th, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC)
Not TMI At All
At least I think so. I think most of the dynamic you describe comes about when the focus is on "controlling" behavior. I think a whole different set of outcomes is possible when you focus on understanding behavior. I think people are pretty pathological around the whole topic of eating. It is just one of the many ways you are influenced by the environment around you. You just happen to be more sensitive than most.
Jan. 17th, 2005 05:15 pm (UTC)
You're giving me flashbacks, you are.

My parents (esp. my dad) fought with both my brother and me over our diets, and whether we would eat what was put on our plates. My brother and I both won our respective battles. I would venture to say that my brother and I both have eating disorders. Neither my brother nor I am a bodybuilder, or even remotely athletic. (We do have different eating disorders, though, as well as different body shapes.)

Jan. 18th, 2005 06:35 am (UTC)
Thanks. I can't wait to hang out with you on Wednesday!

I could pretty much say the same thing about my brother and I. I have watched my brother use an ice cream scooper to put mayonnaise on his hamburger.
Jan. 17th, 2005 06:34 pm (UTC)
There were three things i remember not liking when I was growing up. I think it was a texture issue as the foods involved were peas, baked beans and eggs. I eventually learned to eat all three but not before being forced to eat them. The main problem was that every Saturday night we would have baked beans (which my mother spent all day baking), franks and fresh home -made bread or sticky rolls (also my mother's weekly enterprise). I didn't learn to eat beans until years later when I was on an 8 week canoe trip (sort of a summer camp deal) up the Alagash River in Northern Maine. There were times when beans was all there was to eat so it was either starve or suck it up and eat em and after a day of paddling...
Jan. 17th, 2005 08:04 pm (UTC)
You know my story. Both B and A.
And if they don't think males have eating disorders they are sticking their head you know where.

I use to like everything except liver and Franco American spaghetti. Makes me gag just to type the names.

We never had seafood when I was a child. My mom couldn't afford it. Occasionally my grandmother would order fresh haddock and fry it. She use to use crushed Saltine crackers as a coating. It was wonderful.

But I never had lobster, shrimp, clams, etc.

To this day i think they are disgusting. Can you imagine a gay man not loving shrimp, lobster and caviar?

Yes. I'm odd.

Jan. 18th, 2005 05:13 am (UTC)
Re: You know my story. Both B and A.
I was shocked to read about A & B this morning.

I am still not a fan of sea roaches like lobster. I do however like shrimp if it's made tempura style. I have no idea about caviar, I'm not a big fan of Tobiko so I doubt I would like Caviar much more.
Jan. 18th, 2005 02:10 pm (UTC)
Re: You know my story. Both B and A.
Yes. From being teased your entire childhood for being heavy and then to enter the gay world were everything is based on looks. Not a good thing. There are plenty of men out there with the A and B problem. They just don't tell anyone because it's a "girl thing".

Well I had it big time. I've worked hard at beating the sickness.

I run. Work out and eat healthy to stay in shape but it's a battle. I basically screwed my whole being up. Of course being obsessive/compulsive is the worse case scenario which I have a touch of. I think a lot of gay guys have that problem but that's just my thoughts.

Yep. May name is Dave and I was anorexic and bulimic.

But I survived.
Jan. 17th, 2005 08:07 pm (UTC)
I'm not with it today.
And I want you to know I just love reading your childhood stories. I do hope your keeping all of this and publish it some day. Your stories remind me of the childhoods stories of Rita Mae Brown.

I loved her books.

Jan. 18th, 2005 05:41 am (UTC)
Re: I'm not with it today.
I have no plans of ever taking my journal down. I have backups of my LJ on my home and work machine in the app I use to make my posts, but I really should have a better backup. Publish! You really are too kind. Thank you. I will have to check out Rita Mae Brown.
Jan. 18th, 2005 01:59 pm (UTC)
Re: I'm not with it today.
Six of One and Rubyfruit Jungle are so funny. My mom read a lot and said they were the best. You have to read them so you see what I mean. I do love reading your stuff. It has such depth to it. You turn away feeling you read something very personal and from the heart. And written so anyone would understand what you were trying to explain.

( 16 comments — Leave a comment )