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The Sexy Trinity... part one (Shamus)

It really is strange how some moments are so clear you can see, hear and smell your distant event of your memory but you can't remember the basic events that led up to the moment. This is the case for the moment when I thought I was going to lose my virginity.

Months possibly a year before I had sex with Mike, I had a brush with his brother Seamus. I seriously can't remember what events led up to me being alone with him in his room or where Mike was at the time.

Seamus while very butch looking is flaming gay. When he walks into a room you don't notice a thing but as soon as he opens his mouth an entire purse store falls out! I had originally distanced myself from Seamus because I wasn't completely OK with being gay yet. I still wasn't out to anyone. Since I had first met shamus he was always connected at the hip with his boyfriend Smitty. At this point, Smitty was out of the picture and I was a little more open to talking to one homo than I was two. I think Mike was asleep when Seamus and I started to really talk. He asked if I was gay... the answer we both already knew... but he was the first person to get me to actually answered the question. Seamus was the first gay man I spent any time around yet I barely knew him. I didn't know why Smitty wasn't around anymore, I assumed they had broken up.

After quite a bit of talking he asked me if I wanted a relaxing massage... of course I wanted a "massage", I was thinking... I'm fucking horny! He lit some incense, two candles, lowered the lights, and turned on the radio. "I have this lovely massage oil", he put some in his hands rubbed them together and offered his hands to me, "Smell it, isn't that beautiful." My heart was racing, I took a deep breath it did smell very nice. "Take off your shirt" he said. "Come on relax." he began to place his hands with the sweet smelling oil on my back. My mind was racing, recording, projecting. I was excited and terrified.

Compulsion by Martin Gore played on the radio.

Charms in limited supply
And refusing to stretch
That indefinable nothing
Somehow keeps pushing you
Finding the right words
Can be a problem
How many times must it be said
There’s no plan
It had to happen

"I hate this song..." he sighed.
"Really?", I replied. "I love this song, Why do you hate it?"
He paused, " I don't really, it's just so true, and I'm going through it right now..."
he drifted back to silence and we both listened to the wisdom of the song, I think it was the first time I actually listened to the words.

Got to move on sometime
And it’s about time
By putting one foot in front of another
And repeating the process
Cross over the street
You’re free to change your mind
Strength through diversity
Couldn’t have put it more plainly
Got to move on sometime
Got to move on sometime
Got to move on sometime
Got to move on sometime

"Let me take off your pants and do your legs." he said taking my shoes and socks off. My heart was picking up it's pace again. Oh my god, even though I'm laying on my stomach he's going to see I have an erection I thought as he pulled my pants off. My underwear shortly thereafter followed my pants to the corner. His hands ran the distance of my body, settled on my cheeks and gave them a squeeze. I was enjoying myself, but I began to shake. so nervous and excited, it was beyond my control. "Honey relax," he said trying to calm me. "we aren't going to do anything you don't want to." I tried to calm myself, I was nervous but I didn't want to stop. The more I tried, the more I shook like a person naked in the snow. Eventually he clasped my shoulder with his hand beckoning me to sit up and gave me a hug. "It's OK, honey, we are going to fast, so we are going to stop. It's OK." He hugged me again and handed me my underwear. I was disappointed in myself but clearly he was right, I wasn't ready.

Little did I know there would be a round two...

Nowhere Girl - B-Movie - Just Say Yesterday (Vol. VI Of Just Say Yes)


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 14th, 2004 05:07 am (UTC)
An altogether gentler experience than the one you described involving Mike.

I remember shaking so hard that I thought I must be about to be ill when Martin and I first held hands admitting that we were both attracted to each other. It got uncontrollable when we tried to kiss: I say tried to, because I shook so hard we couldn't kiss.

Is Seamas much older than Mike? I wonder how much of an influence the older brother's sexuality was on the younger's destructive attitude. My brother is older, so I have no frame of reference.
Oct. 14th, 2004 04:56 pm (UTC)
I could do a whole post as a reply to this! Seamus is probably 10 years older than Mike. Mike grew up watching his father try to beat the "faggot" out of Seamus. Watching these event would probably traumatize anyone even if they didn't have homosexual leanings.
Oct. 19th, 2004 12:10 pm (UTC)
That explains Mike's actions. I think.
He saw his brother being beaten down, whether verbally and physically, and figured that was the way to treat gay people. So he figured he would hurt you the way his father hurt his brother. Does that make any sense to you? He might have found out about this episode and figured he'd make you pay.

If this is true it's sad that Mike see's it that way. Not to lessen what happened between you and Mike but he must have had such mixed feelings. Being friends with you and yet he's been taught to hate gays.

I don't remember being afraid of my first experience. But that was so long ago.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )