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(d)eric- don't date your cousin.

I’ve been meaning to catch up on some of the significant relationships of my past, putting them down on... um pixels I guess. There are two that I really want to write about but I’m not sure I will have the time to write the one about the first good sex I got yet. So I will write about sex with my cousin.

I like saying I had sex with my cousin because it’s shocking. It sounds bad. Sometimes I like to think of myself as bad or fool others into thinking it. Sheep in wolf’s clothing. But in truth the relationship was wrong just not for the reason you probably think.

There is a very slight chance one person on my friends list might know my cousin, if you do, please keep your yap shut to him and his boy! Thank you!

My dad was separated from his mother before he knew how to speak, he was told she was dead. When I was seven he found out that she wasn’t dead and he had six half brothers and sisters. The sister who found him was my Aunt Lex. She has been with her Girlfriend Desda for at least 15 years. Lex and Desda were the first family members I came out to. Desda really wanted me to have gay roll models so she wanted me to meet her nephew Deric (cousin through gay marriage) and his boyfriend Dewayne. They were successful, older ( I was 22 so read early 30’s), handsome gay men. In fact Deric was an übber hottie even when he was dressed up in his bank manager monkey suit. The interaction I always had with them was very awkward because we all felt like we were being pushed together.

On the New Years Eve of 1996, I was working at Tower records. We kicked all these bastards who were shopping out of the store at 10, cleaned up the store and set off for our new years parties by 11:30. It only took 20 minutes to get to my Aunts’ house. I had no clue what a great new years I was about to have, probably the best I have ever had.

My aunts always had great parties full of interesting and charismatic people. This party was no different. I barely walked through the door when Deric grabbed me saying something along the lines of “I need another drink and you need to start catching up!” Drinks were had and our conversation was rambling with smiles, laughter and tons of fun. Why was it so different I wondered, it must be because neither of us fell like we have to pretend we were straight since none of the people we weren’t out to were here.

Shortly before 1 almost everybody left but Deric and I were still drinking and having fun. “You’d better stop that!” Deric threatened me. “Stop What? I had no idea what he was talking about, I wasn’t doing anything I didn’t do all the time. Eventually he threatened me that if I didn’t stop he was going to kiss me. Now I was thinking whatever I’m doing, I better do more of it fast. Apparently I did a whole lot of it because I got a lot more than a new years eve kiss that night.

Those of you that are thinking about his boyfriend are doing something I wasn’t. I figured they had broken up. I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to hear myself say something that might stop what I wanted to happen. I found out later that they were still together but he was allowed to “play” as long as he followed some rules. We kept seeing each other for probably about a month maybe two, time is blurry when I’m happy.

I felt grown up, I felt rich , I felt like I had someone. None of these felling were real, they were just illusions. I was not grown up, I was dating someone who was in a long term committed relationship and we were breaking the rules.

I wasn’t rich. Sure I was spending the weekends on top of the Palos Verde hills in a mansion, but I was still working for minimum wage and wasn’t paying for my car insurance.

I didn’t have someone. He wasn’t my boyfriend- He was Dewayne's boyfriend. Dewayne was in Florida taking care of a sick friend who was dying of AIDS.

When I found this out it began to eat away at my happiness. I didn’t want to give Deric up though. You would think that I would just because of the Eric & Deric thing that sounds so sickly sweet. I wasn’t thinking to much and when I did I was thinking in very fucked up ways. I wasn’t thinking about consequences of my actions or even what it was that I wanted. I was arguing with Deric about our relationship but not really making much sense. I finally told him I didn’t feel right about this, that it was time for it to be over. I think I wanted him to argue with me, to stop me, but he’s a smart man. It really was past time, the credits had rolled and the theater was cleaned and new patrons were waiting to get the perfect seats.

I spent the night that night, and was doing my best to instigate one last sexual encounter. Sex with Deric was amazing. All I managed to instigate though was getting him very mad at me. I’m pretty sure he thought I was trying to manipulate him to leave his boyfriend for me. While I can’t completely deny it really did seem that I way, I really didn’t want him to leave Dewayne. I like Dewayne. I just wanted a Deric for myself. I was 22 and fucked up.

I was young, still living at home, not very experienced with relationships. I had maybe five months worth of relationship time under my belt. I learned a lot from the relationship, mostly what not to do. I’ve paid for my bad behavior and continue to pay. My relationship with Deric is pretty much gone completely. I almost never see him and when I do, he is stand offish. I can even feel tension when his boyfriend is around, like he fears I am going to tattle on him. I wish I could get him to realize I was just too inexperienced to be involved in such a strange relationship. Who knows maybe he feels guilty too. I would feel better if he stopped avoiding me. He comes to San Francisco a couple of times a year and he has never contacted me once. He’ll probably be up for Folsom Street Fair. I guess what I really wish is that Deric would be my friend again.

Now that I have written this I really think I should have written the other one first... it really drives home why I was so messed up and not thinking very well.

And welcome 3appleshigh People called me Cricket in high school because of my hairy legs. glad you could make it in time to hear about my relationship fuck-ups!

Edit: guess what he did eventually contact me... more on that here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/macboysf/122633.html

Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine - Garden State Soundtrack


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 25th, 2004 06:26 pm (UTC)
It's always nice to find out that you are not the only one out there who has messed up friendships and other assorted relationships - particularly in your 20s!

Thanks for posting that!!!
Aug. 26th, 2004 01:32 am (UTC)
The 20s are a time to learn. That being said, I don't think having sex with a cousin is a big deal when you are gay. The big tabboo is more about procreation than anything else.

Aug. 26th, 2004 04:22 pm (UTC)
Well there was no blood relation at all so it wouldn't matter anyway. It was hot but now at family gatherings it is sometimes awkward.
Aug. 26th, 2004 09:43 am (UTC)
God, I understand pretending that something was there that wasn't during my 20's. I had way too many of those...I was overly romantic but hey it wasn't all bad. I had some great times.
Aug. 26th, 2004 04:24 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, Me too! I had more fun (and sex) in this relationship, it was definitely far from bad. But I learned a great deal of what not to do.
Aug. 26th, 2004 10:22 am (UTC)
hi hi. always glad when people share. definitely had my share of fucked up relationships in my 20's... and um, maybe even in my 30's already. *g*

i was on your Flist as sfennui a while ago (maybe i still am) but changed screen names and drifted for a bit. anyway, thanks for adding me back.

cricket is a carryover from jim(iny), and probably my favoritest nickname thus far.
Aug. 26th, 2004 04:58 pm (UTC)
Now it all makes sense... I thought you were already on my list, and then I thought it was just through wandering and Malakai... Confusion cleared up!

Yeah, I liked being called cricket as well. People still called me cricket at my 10 year reunion. I got the name because my legs were so hairy... And the rest of me wasn’t. They said I could rub my legs together to make noise.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )