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Brian- My first boyfriend

I had to togo to Vaccaville (CowTown) on Saturday, it was hell! Coming back wasn't any less painful. The only thing that saved me was my computer, I took the time to write up a little about my first boyfriend. If it seems disjointed it's because I was holding back my desire to kill Toms extremely vocal Republican Father.

My met my first boyfriend Brian in Waldenbooks at the Lakewood mall. I was a
Student at Long Beach City College and had dropped off some slides to be
developed at the one hour photo. I would normally hit the hot topics, maybe
check out some some of the bookstores or Mrs. Fields. This particular day I
wanted to pick up Queen of the Damned from the bookstore. When I walked into
Waldenbooks two catty queens were getting their übber gay on. Their loud
conversation contained this, "Grrrl, I can't handle no more old white women
bothering me. I can barley handle talking to women let alone old white
ones!" This of course caused me to stifle a laugh. Being the only one in the
store, (it was 11am on a weekday... which also makes you wonder how his last
nerve could have been worked already) laugh made one of the two come over to
talk to me.

He was about 5'8", brown almond eyes, caramel skin and the top of his head
was died a deep purple. I would latter find out he was half Scottish,
quarter black and a quarter Korean. He asked me if I needed any help, I
Said I had found what I was looking for. He saw the book in my hand and lost
it... "I love that book, have your read... this that and the other?"
eventually he made some comment about how much he liked Tori. "Amos?" I
asked him. He freaked out again. "Oh my god you didn't say spelling." I was
really into Tori Amos at this time... it was 1993. "I have her doing a cover
of Lovesong by the Cure, it's amazing"

Next thing you know I wasn't buying the book, he was going to give me his
copy in exchange for a copy of the Tori Amos recording. Nobody had really
ever asked for my phone number before, I felt all dizzy afterwards. It
wasn't until we had our first date that I found out he was jailbait. I had
just turned 20 and he had just turned 17. None of my friends approved, They
were all worried his mother would press charges or something. The idea that
I might corrupt him still makes me laugh.

I learned very quickly that I was the naive innocent one. He was already out
to his mom and she liked me... I still hadn't told my parents. Brian was a
recovering Coke addict and had already had many boyfriends... umm, he used
to work as a male Dominatrix (or whatever they are called... Dominator).
Brian was crazy and had a very adventurous life, we could talk for hours.

I remember getting yelled at the Long Beach Gay and Lesbian center when I
went with him to get an HIV test, he was very worried and with good reason,
but I clowned a little to make him laugh and he started to make jokes about
how he didn't really have any idea how many men he had slept with... I'm
guessing his way of really letting me know what I was getting into, when a
woman working there came over and told us to show respect, and keep our
voices down. It was in the lobby, not a library, and it wasn't a day they
gave results. We weren't overly loud, we were just being übber queenie as
most newly gay boys do from time to time.

Eventually I began to see Brian and I just weren't going to work. We had so
much fun talking but we were opposite people. I was happy and light while he
was depression and darkness. I wore bright color while he would only wear
BLACK and maybe something with red accents. He was convinced he was going to
die before he turned 17, so he graduated early and did... everything before
he turned 17. After he had his birthday I think he was a little in shock
that he was still here.

My experience with Mike made
me very nervous about sex and I now had a rule I thought would protect me. I
wouldn't let anyone top me until I was allowed to top them first. (really
the rule should have been don't sleep with "straight" guys who are friends
but I didn't realize that.) Brian was used to being the Top, the dominator,
and I frustrated him to no end. I think the reason he liked me so much was
exactly that reason. He would have gotten board of me if didn't fight him on
everything. We dated for about two months and no penis ever went into either
of our butts!

When I finally broke up with Brian it went badly, it went very badly. I've
forgotten most of it probably on purpose, but I do remember he said
something really harsh and cruel followed by "then I'll never want to see
you again" I screamed right back at him, "fine!" and stormed out his place.
Eventually we Brian called me to ask a favor. Brian didn't drive and he had
bought two tickets to PJ Harvey and his ride fell through (uh yeah, that's
what I thought). We went to the show and we talked, it was good to hear he
was doing well, but I could tell we would still fight over everything
neither of us willing to give... Or apologize. The show was good, PJ was
amazing. I thanked him for the concert but said I didn't want to get back in
a doomed relationship. He said he understood.

Almost a year later Brian showed up at my work which freaked me out... He
looked good, but he was acting really weird. He gave a tape he made and
proudly announce "I've changed, I'm wearing color!" He was wearing an outfit
that was %100 brown. We talked and I told him I wouldn't mind being friends
but that would be the extent of it. I found out he was working with someone
I knew a long time ago... And had a lot of dirt on. He squealed with pure
joy when I told him a couple of stories that would cause Carlos to blush a
little but not get angry.

I haven't seen Brian since. I think if Brian ever really had me, he wouldn't
want me. Brian always wanted things he couldn't' have and then once he had
them the thrill was gone, and so was the happiness it brought him. Hopefully he has learned to to appreciate the things he had, and is doing well. and for the love of goddess, please let him have given up that insane idea of his French Fry diet!

You're Not Alone - Olive - Extra Virgin


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 19th, 2004 10:49 am (UTC)
This is an interesting story. And it has led me down a Memory Lane trip of my own. I wonder if I ought not to recount my early gaydom and post it here - f friends only and family (mom) blocked....

I wonder if I could even remember that far back...

Jul. 19th, 2004 11:24 am (UTC)
Wow. I just read your other story about the footbal player- that sucks.. I love all these stories. Great writing and interesting to read...I wish all livejouurnals were like yours...

Jul. 19th, 2004 01:09 pm (UTC)
I went back and read it too. I don't know how I missed it when it was written. Entries like this are what make LJ so incredible to me. I love using LJ as both a way to update people and a tool for reflection.
Jul. 19th, 2004 11:45 pm (UTC)
Wow such a great compliment especially coming from someone as fab as you.
Jul. 21st, 2004 02:26 pm (UTC)
...it went very badly. I've forgotten most of it probably on purpose...

it is rather nice knowing others do that as well. you get a gold star for this one. LOL thanks for sharing!
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )