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Warm Fuzzies... part one

delete, delete, delete.... no need to say that... moving on.

I've been catching up a little on LJ tonight. The plans i had made sort of fell through so I am drinking a royal and ginger and being warm and cozy in a sad loungey way. It's good.

Work was stressful and I ended up working at my parents house today... but it was no big deal, how can I say no to a girl named Candy Ho? The show last night was amazing. I don't think I have EVER seen such a great show... but I did have to have a bit of resolve afterwards... the play for me ran about ten minutes longer while I tied up the lose ends that would make me feel better. I can't even begin to tell you how great the play was, i actually teared up... and was laughing a couple of minutes latter. Trevor didn't get nekkid... seems it was a bit of a misunderstanding because this is the sequel to the play last year that Phinny (my straight best friend since kindergarten) was in, doing nude gay love scenes. Trevor figured this year would be more of the same but it wasn't really.

The play covers a lot of stuff, child abuse, Bjork, self discovery, gay bashing, learning to love yourself, and teen pregnancy... the play is informative... What is pregnancy feel like? in the words of the nine inch nails goth girl: "it feel's kind of like you need to take a poo, but it want's to come out your pussy!"

The play had a whole other level for me though... I have been friends with Trevor for many years now. I worry about Trevor because he cannot (or will not) tell his parents (mormon) about himself being gay. I worry, because i don't think people can have a healthy relationship until they feel they can bring that special someone home to meet the family. I have never met a single boyfriend of Trevor's, I don't know that he has ever let anyone get that close. I know he wants someone, I know he deserves someone, he is so amazingly sweet, talented, handsome and kind. I wish he could come out to his parents.

There was a scene between Trevor's character and his mother.... you almost could have put Trevor's mom in the place of his character's mom... because mothers always know. I had to cover my face during the scene, not because the words cock ring, anal beads, glory hole, or poppers... but because while this scene was going on between trevor character and his mother, Trevor's real parents were sitting across from me. They watched and smiled as their son did on stage what wasn't being done in real life. It made me sad. They watched their son make out with a straight man playing a 30 year old gay man and Trevor's character is his first boyfriend.

I don't spend nearly enough time with Trevor, maybe because I was in love with him from afar for so long. I have talked with him about coming out years ago and i have to wonder if this was his way of putting it out there to see if his parents were willing to answer the pink courtesy clue phone.

wow this ended up being a bit longer than i anticipated... I know the subject makes no sense for this post... because didn't realize how deep this rabbit hole really was.

Untitled 3 - Sigur Rós - ( )


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 30th, 2004 10:11 am (UTC)
I worry, because i don't think people can have a healthy relationship until they feel they can bring that special someone home to meet the family.

This is an interesting perspective. I don't know that I'll ever satisfy that requirement, but it's not because of shame anymore. I've learned thru the experience of bringing girls (and a boy) home to meet my mom, and my sister bringing boys home to meet her (including her husband of almost 15 years) that my mom does her best to sabotage our relationships. I think that she unconsciously sees our partners as threats to her, and no matter what the person does to try to win her over, she finds many creative ways to set up scenarios where we have to pick our partner or her. At this point, she's succeeded in enough of mine that I wouldn't subject anyone to her.

Meanwhile, my dad has made it pretty clear, in his usual passive way, that he has no interest in hearing the details of my gay lifestyle. He loves me, and he's totally focused on me and my health and my car and my finances, but if I stray off into personal space that threatens to be a detail about a boy, even his existence, he tunes out. So setting a standard of "someone I could bring home to dad" is both impossibly high and probably not a guy I would want to keep anyway.

I've brought Q home to my birthmother, which I guess counts, but there's no inspection to pass with her. She and I don't have a typical parent/child relationship; it's almost like older sister/younger brother.

while this scene was going on between trevor character and his mother, Trevor's real parents were sitting across from me. They watched and smiled as their son did on stage what wasn't being done in real life.

That is either really surreal, or really sad. There are some people out there who are so deliberately obtuse that you have to spell it out in great big neon letters for them to see it, and perhaps his parents are of that ilk, and they will throw all their energy into "oh my, what a talented actor our son is, to pull that off. I believed it!" (and we all know it'sanact it'sanact it'sanact, ha ha) Or they might be thinking to themselves, is he finally working up the nerve to tell us he's gay? It's about time! You never know, while the truth is hidden in the layers of subtext.
Jun. 1st, 2004 12:38 pm (UTC)
You bring up a good point. I need to rethink this theory. I had a hard time with relationships until I came out to my family. Maybe it should be changed to until you don’t have to hide it from your family. I think it is hard to solidify a relationship and take the steps that are needed if you feel you have to hide the relationship.

I am very lucky that my parents are so accepting of me and those I choose to share my life with. They have always liked my boyfriends, my dad was even sad when I broke up with Randy. Every now and then I catch him wanting to call Tom Randy... Which horrifies me. But everyone likes Tom a lot. My family is even taking a cruise latter this year with Tom and I as well as some of Toms family. I am expecting it to be very interesting. Getting my brother and Tom’s sister Roseanne together very well could be like mixing nitro glycerin and jet fuel... I’m sure they will have fun but will probably cause a lot of trouble.

It is sad that your mother feels she has competition, She would probably get more of you if she wasn’t always sabotaging your relationships. It must be hard for you with your father... But I’m guessing you are used to it by now. I have never had anyone react like that. Either they are accepting or they don’t want anything to do with me. I would guess you dad has major problems with homosexuality but loves you so much that he tries to ignore it rather than deal with his beliefs. Of course as always your birthmother sounds very cool. I don’t think parents should give tests for their children’s love interests to pass.

To watch the whole scene going on and off stage was definitely surreal, sad, and slightly nerve wracking. I seriously doubt Trevor’s parents are Obtuse. Either they really have bought into whatever previous untruths Trevor has led them to believe or they are waiting for Trevor to come out, but more than likely I suspect they know and like your father would rather not talk about it. It’s true you never know.
May. 30th, 2004 12:26 pm (UTC)
so now i feel like a idiot for so flippantly suggesting that you take photos of a naked trevor. i didn't realize that you had such a history with him and sometimes my sense of humor misses the mark. i apologize for any creepy connotations that comment may have had.

coming out to parents is never easy (uber-understatement). i still haven't had the talk with my dad. he's probably one of the most bigoted people i've ever known and while i was growing up, he was rather vocal about his racist and homophobic beliefs. at this time, i don't have much of a relationship with him, but he'd be a fool not to realize that i'm a homo. trevor's parents probably do know about his sexuality. using my religious upbringing as a reference point, i'm betting that although they may fully understand what he's going through, they won't bring it up and probably don't even talk to each other about it.
Jun. 1st, 2004 12:52 pm (UTC)
History? I thought what you said was funny! I would love to have naked picture of Trevor on my wall... He’s HOT! I had a crush on him in college and we have been friends for a long time... And he’s HOT!

I’m very glad my parents have never been bigoted, I grew up with my parents having friends of every ethnicity come to our house with the exception of American Indian... I don’t think they have ever had a chance to befriend a Native American. I never came out to my grandparents. They are too set in their thinking, and probably won’t be around for too much longer (they are in their 90’s), why make it hard on them. My Mama Mia (“Grandma makes me sound old” she says still claming to be 25) once asked me when I was going to get married. I was caught a little off guard and responded, “Mike’s older, he should go first.” I thought I did pretty good until Mama Mia reminded me, “He IS married!” Uh, yeah, that’s right he just hasn’t seen his wife in 5 or so years... CRAP... How am I going to get out of this one!

I think you are right about Trevor’s parents, they probably know and don’t talk about it at all.
May. 30th, 2004 07:49 pm (UTC)
That is fucking intense. I remember how intense life used to be when I was in the closet to my parents. Sometimes I wonder how I could have stood it for so long.

I still haven't brought anyone home, but it's because I'm 22, and I haven't found anyone (or been found by...)
Jun. 1st, 2004 02:38 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I can’t believe I didn’t come out earlier... It was such a relief.

I don't think I really brought anyone home until I was 21 or 22. Sure I might have snuck the odd boy into my bedroom for some nookie but I never introduced them to my parents.
Jun. 1st, 2004 06:57 am (UTC)
I know your concern about Trevor except there actually isn’t anything you can do for him on this subject other than just being the best friend you’ve constantly have been. It is extremely sad that his folks will on no account know the parson you have acquainted with and care for.

Just speculating from that statement ‘you haven’t met any of his boyfriends,’ could it be that Trevor isn’t conferrable with his life? I mean a figure of chap’s get pleasure from the homosexual sex though on the other hand extremely dislike the life style. I may possibly be way off with this theory.
Jun. 1st, 2004 02:48 pm (UTC)
Yup, there's nothing I can do except stand by him. I can't live his life for him and have no idea what it's like to wear his shoes. But I can guess they get pretty uncomfortable at times... Like when he is kissing and professing his love for another man in front of his parents. Or was it worse when all his gay friends gathered around him and his parents to congratulate Trevor on an amazing performance in a great play... And what they might accidentally or unknowingly say.

I don’t know how comfortable Trevor is, he seems pretty comfortable, he doesn’t flinch away from contact in public or anything that would lead you to believe he was even slightly uncomfortable unless you knew about the situation with his parents.
Dec. 28th, 2005 11:11 am (UTC)
It is awful to think that there are still people who can never, ever come out to their parents because of fear and the pain that would cause them. That must have been an incredibly strange moment: to be acting out the things you can't say in real life.

I wonder what happened to Trevor, and if his parents ever picked up the pink courtesy clue phone.

It makes me even more thankful for the easy time I had coming out to my parents and bringing Marcin home. They accepted him into the family without reserve, and are still in touch with him even now. I am very, very lucky.

A thought for Trevor, wherever he is: I hope he is happy, safe and accepted.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )