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Innocence lost

This memory has been rambling around in my head for a few weeks now; it’s time to get it out. I’m really surprised I haven’t written it sooner, I guess I was worried about who might see it, if you are one of two people who shouldn't be reading this please call me after you read this, cause I know you ain't gonna stop. It’s an event that truly shaped my views of love, sex and relationships, for better or for worse. It’s not pretty and not everybody knows the story of my first time I had sex with a man.

I met him when I was 16 or 17 on a school bus that was taking a group of kids to go see the Marsha Warfield show. Remember her from Night Court... and then she had her own talk show, which lasted only one season. Michael was a friend of my best friend and Mike had invited us to go to this talk show with him. I wasn’t used to hanging out with anyone like Mike, he was a football player and extremely popular. We went to different schools; I had always wandered from group to group but was never the football players. We quickly became good friends and the three of us were inseparable.

One of the reasons Mike and I had become good friends so quickly was that I was an outsider and he didn’t have to impress me. He could confide in me without fear. He talked with me a lot about the problems he had with his family and his girlfriend. Of course it didn’t take long before I started to fall in love with him, but I knew we could only be friends. I was happy to have a friend like Mike, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t secretly love him.

Finally when I started to accept who I was and began to come out things got complicated. I had come out to my friend john who said he knew because he was psychic after all. Two weeks latter I had my chance to tell a second person. I was planning on telling Phinny next but was a bit scared, he had been my best friend since I was 5, what if he freaked out. So on this one night during my senior year, I went with Mike and Phinny to a party where yet again Mike’s bitch girlfriend decided to step on his heart at the party just to put on a show. I ended up consoling him and calling her a bitch away from all the prying eyes of the party.

I was spending the night at mike’s house so I wouldn’t have to make the 20 minute drive home so late at night. We ended up staying up very late talking. He told me things about himself that were deeper and darker than anything I had ever heard anyone say. I kept telling him it was OK and that he was a good person. And then he turned to me and said, “I just wish my life could be like yours.” I’m sure I had a blank stare on my face, I was in shock, I couldn’t even respond. After the moment of silence he continued, “Your life is perfect.”

My heart was pounding... I knew what I was going to say and was full of fear.
“Mike, I’m gay.” no beating around the bush, I just laid it on the table as the silence filled the room for what seemed like years. I was holding my breath and my head was beginning to tingle. I had shocked him.

“What,” he stammered, “Really?” But it was his turn to shock me. “I think I am too.”
The next few moments I can’t remember. Somehow we conveyed how shocked we both were and that it was fine. We were cool with what had just been said. Mike told me about some of his previous experience, of course they were very hot. I couldn’t believe what was happening, I never could have dreamed something this great could happen... I was so naive.

Eventually all the talk had made us both very horny and mike asked me if I wanted to have sex. Of course I did, he was the hot football player I had been lusting over for two years. He only had one condom and asked who should do the fucking. His parents were in the next room and his bed made a ton of noise so we would have to have sex on the floor. I was so excited; I never thought I would ever get to have sex let alone with Mike. I was fine with having sex on the floor. I said he could fuck me and he put the condom on.
I now question if he had ever had sex with a guy before me. I don’t know why he would lie but some things just didn’t fit-Like his penis. At this point I knew almost nothing about gay sex. I didn’t know how it worked at all. I didn’t know that you needed more than a lubed condom... That you needed actual lube. It hurt, it hurt really badly... But it was over relatively quickly.

Mike had his moment and left to the bathroom muttering, I’m going to clean up. I hadn’t come yet. So I laid there on the floor waiting for him to come back, wishing we had another condom for me to wear. After a long time Mike returned, upon seeing me naked he said, “Why are you still naked? Get dressed.” my heart sank... I was beginning to see the huge mistake I had made. I could see a huge change in him, but I trying hard to rescue it.

We went to sleep in our separate spots and when morning came, though I had barely slept at all, I knew I had made a huge mistake. One of mike’s other friends, who I was a friend with, too came over and the next thing I knew I was left behind. Normally I would have been invited along, but not this morning. This morning everything had changed. Everything. I had lost one of my best friends. The second person I came out to accepted me but then rejected me and now treated me as a leper.

Of course before we had sex he made me promise never to tell anyone. A promise I did keep for a very long time. But when something like this happens, and you have to carry it by yourself the wound stay open longer. I spent a long time in a dark hole with the secret, unable to tell anyone about my pain. Even after I came out to people I held the piercing secret within my aching heart. It probably would have been so much easier if I had anyone to talk to, but I felt I needed to keep his secret. It was never mine, and I hated having to hide such a big part of myself for someone who had tossed me in the trash like the condom he used.

The end of this story is not even here... I had decided I wouldn’t let him throw our friendship away so easily, but this is enough for now.

Update: Story continued here...

Jack The Ripper - Morrissey - Beethoven Was Deaf


( 34 comments — Leave a comment )
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Apr. 28th, 2004 12:41 am (UTC)
thank you for sharing that story. loosing one's virginity isn't always a fantastic thing. i want to know how you tried to "save" your friendship...

my best friend at boarding school stopped talking after we fooled around. it really hurt, even though eventually he did come around (until university, but that's another story). the weird thing is, after scott and i fooled around, it seemed that word spread and almost every guy in my dorm tried hitting on me. sometimes i kick myself that i was such a prude in high school. i didn't sleep with any of them as i was too scared and confused. i was very innocent & naive at the time and i didn't even call myself gay until at least a year later. i don't consider scott the first guy i had sex with. that's another story...
Apr. 28th, 2004 11:28 pm (UTC)
As soon as I get a chance I'll finish the story.

and you've intrigued me with your story. maybe you will post about your first time... or what did you call yourself before this last year. I too was a prude. Wish I had more time to write, today has been busy but I wanted to at least reply.
Apr. 28th, 2004 06:54 am (UTC)
Nice writing.
Apr. 28th, 2004 11:15 pm (UTC)
Apr. 28th, 2004 07:02 am (UTC)
Thank You For Sharing This.
This is a pretty fantastic example of what internalized homophobia is all about.

I could not think of a better example of how badly you can hurt someone. I have the sense if approached correctly a man can have the best experience of love, tenderness and intimacy I can imagine. I for one envy this guy's opportunity. It is too bad he blew it.

I wish there was a way to know in advance that someone can love and be open and vulnerable in the same way you can. I see no alternative to giving someone your trust and seeing what they do with it.

As it is I only have to look to you to get a good sense of what real love looks like. Thanks.
Apr. 28th, 2004 11:32 pm (UTC)
Re: Thank You For Sharing This.
Thank you. I agree, believe me there are a lot more examples in this story. I'll try to write up the rest as soon as possible... i think it might actually be harder to write.
Apr. 28th, 2004 07:09 am (UTC)
i am so far behind when it comes to looking in on your window of the world.
-your have this snazzy lil iTunes thing on your postings
-your birthday came and went :: happy belated birthday, btw ::
-and now, you write something like this.

i know you do not write it for others, yet i feel the need to say thank you. if nothing else, it allowed me to look back and remember events that took place in my own life. memories, dreams, and desires are all a part of life - good or bad.

oh - an kudos for the cliffhanger ending... :P
Apr. 28th, 2004 11:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you,
So cute you made the text all small. I love it! I do appreciate your commenting. I'll be sure to finish up the story soon. Time for me to go sleepies.
Apr. 28th, 2004 10:03 am (UTC)
Apr. 28th, 2004 11:14 pm (UTC)

Here, have a
c(_) <--mug of beer.
(no subject) - zoltrix - Apr. 29th, 2004 09:17 am (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 28th, 2004 06:48 pm (UTC)
aw honey..that's so shitty

this is yet another reason for me to hate football!
Apr. 28th, 2004 11:16 pm (UTC)
I never liked football... but I can't hold that against cute boys who happen to play it.
Apr. 29th, 2004 12:43 am (UTC)
ARRRRRRRRGGHHH!!! (in crazy asian martial arts voice)
I have an overwhelming desire to slap some sense into this Mike's head. DON'T MESS WITH MONKEY!

inner peace... inner peace... inner peace...
Apr. 29th, 2004 01:14 pm (UTC)
I got so depressed reading your story...
...not only because it was touching and soul-baring (it was). But it depressed me because it reminded me once again that back in high school I WAS THE ONLY ONE NOT GETTING ANY. ARRRGGHHH!! At least you HAVE an innocence lost story to tell! Everybody had one except me.

And don't even get me started on Phinny - who got more than any man should possibly be allowed to have. He got an ultra-conservative mormon girl to polish his knob. How is that EVEN HUMANLY POSSIBLE?

Anyways, back on topic, if you ever feel down about the way things went down when you came out, just console yourself that you've turned out perfectly normal and happy. That, and you're one of the few people walking this earth to have slept with siblings. Not even Phinny can claim to have done that.... I think.
Apr. 30th, 2004 04:49 pm (UTC)
Re: I got so depressed reading your story...
Euge, you kill me!

I could tell it was you because I could hear your voice when I read this. I seem to remeber you losing your "innocence" in another state to some hot girl! We were all so proud!
Re: I got so depressed reading your story... - (Anonymous) - May. 4th, 2004 04:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 30th, 2004 02:57 am (UTC)
Such a heartwrenching story

I'm so glad to have come across your story, I must say for some reason I could identify with it in some way. I thank you once again. And when will you post the rest of your story?
Apr. 30th, 2004 04:46 pm (UTC)
Re: Such a heartwrenching story
Just posted the rest of it. Feel free to add me as a friend, welcome to LiveJournal!
May. 2nd, 2004 07:43 am (UTC)
Speak for me
Of all the LJ's that I read I always find something in you and your writing that resonates with in me. Thank you for being so open and frank about real feelings, you're writing holds a universal message that crosses boundaries gay or staright. I hope that you continue to live as an open book, I like that you wear your heart on your sleeve it suits you.
May. 3rd, 2004 12:18 pm (UTC)
Re: Speak for me
Thank You! Little did I know that this post would be like Hampsterdance among my oldest friends. I guess they were all in a group huddled around a laptop reading this entry.... it's not like they haven't heard it all before, I guess they were shocked to see it up on the internet. I guess some of my offline friends actually do take the time to read my journal!

Being so open is very important to me. I've experienced some awkward moments but that's the worst that has ever happened. I have found the more open I am the better I feel.

Thank you again!
May. 2nd, 2004 07:45 am (UTC)
how gay am I
hehe, i spelt "straight" wrong. : )
Jul. 19th, 2004 01:12 pm (UTC)
Wow. I'm sorry I missed this when you wrote it. (This is a great argument for linking to previous entries when writing about something you've already written about.)

Oddly enough, with all the other stuff I've done, I never had this kind of experience myself. I came pretty close with one friend in particular, to both coming out to him and suggesting something along these lines, but looking back on it I can see it would have been a huge mistake. Besides the fact that I wasn't dealing well with my orientation on my own, he later earned the nickname "King Fuckhead" so I doubt it would have gone over well, whether or not he would have taken me up on my offer.

Thank you for sharing this. I love your honesty.
Jul. 27th, 2004 12:34 pm (UTC)
Wow... this was pretty powerful. I'm sorry you had to go through that. :(
Oct. 14th, 2004 04:54 am (UTC)
That is very sad. It is such an important moment, and I'm sad for you that you had to experience something like that. He sounds like someone who had filled himself with self-loathing, and it is terrible that he transferred that onto you.

I know it's symptomatic of problems in society generally: how can one accept oneself if one only hears hate around one? But he used you, and my heart goes out to you.
Oct. 14th, 2004 04:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Oct. 14th, 2004 06:28 am (UTC)
People just don't think about others and it pisses me off. He didn't even consider your feelings at all. How horrible. He took your innocence and ran with it. I don't know why but lately when I read things like this it brings tears to my eyes. You seem like such a nice guy.

*hug* sent your way dude.

Oct. 14th, 2004 05:05 pm (UTC)
Re: :-(
Thank you. *Hugs* back...

here's two bad kids joke to cheer you up.

What kind of bees live in a cemetery?

What kind of bee scare you?


My friend Joanne made the second one up when she was a kid.
Re: :-( - ewe_2 - Oct. 15th, 2004 06:23 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: :-( - monkeyx3 - Oct. 15th, 2004 04:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: :-( - ewe_2 - Oct. 16th, 2004 12:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: :-( - monkeyx3 - Oct. 18th, 2004 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
:-) - ewe_2 - Oct. 19th, 2004 06:45 am (UTC) - Expand
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( 34 comments — Leave a comment )


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