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More Friends Like Phinny

I read an amazing post that inspired me to write a very long reply... only to find the post was no longer accessible. I 'm going to post this here. I like what I wrote. I probably would have posted it in my journal anyway... and If you're wondering this userpic is of my friend Phinny! He's the Best!


I am very new to your friends list so I really don't know you that well, yet! and while I agree with your roommate about online friends being internet fiction, there are many out here who are putting out as much truth as they can. Anything anyone tells you is tainted with their side/view. The key is remember that everyone wants to put their best foot forward and the stuff you don't see isn't always as good as what you do see. That doesn't mean you can't get to know someone on the internet.

Moving on. It is important to invest time to maintaining friends, but it seems that if your friends will drop you if you aren't chatting with them on a regular basis then they are not the kind of friends you need. I will be friendly to anyone who is friendly to me but if I need to constantly give them my energies/time and I am not getting anything back I am less willing to give more. I don't have enough time/energy for everything that interests me.

I have to admit that I was drawn to this post. I have not really built up a strong group of friends here in San Francisco. In the couple of months my two best friends in the city moved down to LA. The friends that I have left up here, I really have not connected with. I have so many friends in LA and Orange County that raise my expectations of people.

When I was in high school I felt very alone. I will admit it was the best time of my schooling because I wasn't within my brother's reach, but I didn't feel like my friends were really my friends- and for the most part they weren't. I am so lucky I had my friend Phinny to show me what real friends are. He did not go to school with me and live 20 miles away but he had no motives. He just wanted to hang out with me. Slowly we together built up a group of people who were like us. If you needed something they were there, but mostly they just wanted to hang out with you, listen, laugh, watch TV.

It's hard to find people who just want to hang with you, that don't want something from you. But when you do, it is so worth it. I could go months without talking to Phinny and when we get together it's as if not a day has passed. I wish I had just one friend like Phinny here is SF.

I think maybe you are trying to make friends with the wrong people... Especially if you see them as being in the center of a huge crowd of friends. If there is a huge crowd around them they are probably just entertainment. Everyone loves a good show. Entertainers don't always make the best friends, they are very high maintenance, if you stop clapping they will find a new audience. That is not a friendship.

At times I do worry if I am a good friend, I wonder why I don't have a circle of friends here in SF. Do people see me differently than when I was younger? Do I have some barrier up now that I wasn't there before? I really don't know. I admit I am a pretty self centered person. I am a very caring person, but I do think of myself first. It's a survival technique. At least I don't deny it.

I've just watched too many people self destruct because they always put other people first and then when they are in need people aren't used to giving to them and half ass it leaving the person feeling as if they always give and never get. This happens to Tom a lot. I am constantly telling him that he need to stop taking on other peoples stuff if they don't give back. Friendship really is a two way street.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Nov. 18th, 2003 01:29 am (UTC)
very well put
thank you for this post.
_kaiser_
Nov. 18th, 2003 01:47 am (UTC)
if it makes you feel any better, if i still lived in sf, you'd have no choice but to hang out with me. you seem like a cool guy and i honestly have a hard time making guy friends, especially if they're gay. i'd be calling you and tom up just to hang out all the time. hope this doesn't creep you out, but it shouldn't. just take it as a compliment...

(and you know i'd drag you out to shows like the mira/ladytron thing...)
monkeyx3
Nov. 18th, 2003 07:11 pm (UTC)
It doesn't creep me out at all! I would love to have a friend to go to cool shows with. I used to go with Kim, but since she has been out of work so long I can't tempt her with shows she can't afford. Every now and then I will treat her if it's someone I know she really loves, but I can't afford to take her to every show I would like to go to. So I basically end up not going very often.

Plus we could share porn. Hee hee!
mafioso
Nov. 18th, 2003 04:20 pm (UTC)
re SF
I lived in SF when I first moved to California from Minnesota into a loft near the mission with two friends. The friends were people I knew from Minnesota but one being closer to me then the other. The problem became compounded when I moved in and expected to spend time with him while getting to know the city and all and he was never around. The other roommate enjoyed being a homebody too much. I like to be at home but then there are times I wanted to explore and meet new people especially since this was the first time living so far away from home. Eventually after living there for about a year I packed up and moved to Los Angeles with other friends I knew from Minnesota and this proved to be a better situation since there friendship was a bit more balanced. I miss SF but it was a bit crowded and I was used to open spaces though it was easier getting around. Also since I moved from a cold state I thought SF's weather was cold alot and LA was more of what I wanted.
monkeyx3
Nov. 18th, 2003 10:30 pm (UTC)
Re: re SF
It's amazing how much the people you live with can affect how you settle into a town.

Looks like my company might be sending me down to the LA office sometime in December to move it to a new location... probably still in Santa Monica. We'll see if they really send me down. It would figure it would be to do grunt work too.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )