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Fear and Loathing in San Francisco

I was trying to come up with a story to write, I was thinking about maybe something from my childhood, maybe a story about my insane brother, but then I thought I should write about Randy. Just a warning, my current boyfriend calls me Ellen, I guess I have a tendency to meander down a random path towards the end of my stories.

My good friends Mike and Jannie had moved up to Oakland, so I decided to visit them, and hopefully get some good lovin'' in the big gay city. It had been quite some time for me and I was really horny. After my attempt to drive up from LA failed I bought a plane ticket and flew up. Jannie had formed a really strange obsession on a longhaired gay man who lived by her work. She was so obsessed she started to take the same train he did and eventually talked to him and they became friends. Jannie wanted him so bad, but couldn't have him so she had decided I should. Her plan was to have me go with her to have him, Rudy, dye her hair and then, he and I would fall in love forever and ever.

When Jannie and I met Rudy at his Hayes Valley Café day job, he was extremely attractive but not my type at all. He was a tall skinny boy with beautiful olive skin, blue eyes but really long jet-black hair. I just couldn't get over the long hair. It made him look too much like a girl. When he cut off his hair boy was he nice to look at. Anyway he told us that he was also going to be dying his friend Jessica's hair. We only had to wait for a few minutes before Jessica arrived with her friend Randy. The hair dying process took quite a while and Randy and I just sat and talked the whole time.

If you asked me what attracted me to Randy, it's really hard for me to say, I'm just not sure; It could have been that he was nice to me, gave me attention. It could be that he had a bubbly giddiness that was really fun. It was probably quite a few things intermingling with the fact that I was so lonely. I had just broken up with a guy that I had found out was never really dating me. I thought we were but he already had a boyfriend who was in Florida taking care of a friend sick with AIDS. I made lots of bad decisions when I was younger, Hell I still do, just new ones!

So Randy invited me out to go to some gay clubs in San Francisco, the clubs we went to that night really sucked. Randy and I ended up leaving a club and going to the holiday inn downtown and having sex. Yes I have been known to be a slut. Here is where I have to take a quick Jab at Randy, incase you haven't figured it out yet, it didn't end well between us. We had to go to a Holiday in because he lived in a studio apartment with a roommate, his mother! This really should have been the first blaring neon pulsing sign with alarms. I was still in college and so I lived with my parents so it shouldn't have been a big deal... But here was another Vegas style sign; Randy was 40. He was closer to my parents' age than to mine.

To move things along, I flew back to LA, back to my home, my school, my jobs, all three of them. I was ready to settle back into my busy life. He called, and we talked. He called quite often, almost daily. He became a major source of support for me. When I had a slight breakdown and quite all three of my jobs within a month he was there. No one should ever have so many jobs by the way, Even if they were mostly fun jobs. After we had been doing the long distance relationship thing for over a year I was nearing graduation. Randy had bought a car so he could come visit me in LA for less money and he had also moved into a big house with a friend of his on Mount Davidson.

After I graduated Randy told me I needed to move up to San Francisco right away, he was tired of the long distance thing. I graduated in December and I wanted to stay with my family for Christmas, it is the most important holiday for my mother. She goes insane every year. It takes four of us half an hour just to bring all the decorations down from the attic. She has over 45 different small Christmas trees that make up the forest on her mantel. Randy and I fought for quite some time about where I would be on Christmas and he won. This would be how the rest of time we were together would be like.

When I first moved up things went pretty well. Not really but I ignored a lot things as if they didn't really matter. The place Randy had moved into had two bedrooms upstairs and one downstairs where his friend lived. I thought it would be best if I had my own place in SF separate from his to live in. I always had heard how relationships went downhill once you moved in together. Randy quickly informed me how impossible it would be afford my own place. So I said I wanted my own room, my own space in the house. This of course started another argument, which I won. However after I arrived in SF with all of my belongings I found my room occupied. Apparently Jessica's brother Doug needed a place to live so Randy told him he could move into my room and I would live in his room with him. So rent was cheaper but I didn't have any space of my own to do whatever I wanted.

Randy got me a really good paying job at the investment back that he worked at in the facilities department and then when they needed more help in the IT, I helped out and was eventually moved into IT. It wasn't long before I was answering the phone on the helpdesk. Randy had a really big part in getting me into the line of work I am now in, not sure if that's good or bad but the pay is really nice.

Once again to speed things up, after living on Mt Davidson for almost a year the landlord decided to sell the house and Randy and I move to the Warrington apartment in the tenderloin with our new roommate David. The place was expensive but really nice. We lived there for quite some time when the echoing sound of the end began to sound.

My friend Wendi was coming up for a visit, my friends from LA had only come up a few times to visit me since I had moved to San Francisco, so it was a really big deal. I was so excited. My friends were such a big part of my life in LA and I had never really adjusted to San Francisco. When we live on Mount Davidson it was hard to go out, I live in the suburbs inside a big city. I went to work and socialized with bankers then came home to Randy. Randy constantly told me how I did everything wrong, including driving. When someone tells you something enough times you eventually begin to believe it.

It all started out really gradually. Randy would always drive us in his car because "I couldn't drive." Eventually whenever I would drive I would feel stressed and afraid, so I would drive less and less and less until the thought of driving caused me huge amount of stress. It made no sense seeing I drove so much in LA. My fears got larger and larger and I really didn't seem to notice. Randy was all too happy to help me out so I wouldn't feel stressed. He would drive; he would do everything for me. Somehow I had become afraid of doing anything without randy telling me I could, or how to, or even being away from the house without him.

Randy didn't mind doing everything for me; he liked the control. Sometimes I think he never even really liked me, he just liked that he could control me like a sad twisted puppet. As his control over me increase his own declined. He became quite a bit bigger. He went from a measly 28-inch waist to a more mature 36-inch waist. Of course I was to be blamed for this. And of course because he had become overweight he didn't feel sexy and put a stop to our sex life. He told me that if I went to the gym with him we could "have sex again." I HATE the gym, I am lazy and skinny and happy with being lazy and skinny. Even worse than going to the gym was going to Step Aerobics; my personal idea of hell. I just couldn't do it. I have the breathing capacity of a child and lose my breath easily. When tested in college the tester asked if I smoked. Nope, don't smoke. The Step instructor and I did not see eye to eye. All of his advanced student knew the steps and could keep up. Not me, even after many months I still sucked. He would yell at me to kick higher and keeping up and I would be thinking kicking somewhere up until his voice went higher.

For some reason I was completely fine when I was at work. I didn't realize that I had pretty much become agoraphobic. That is until my friend Wendi decided to come visit.

Wendi's drive from LA to San Francisco was hellish. There were several accidents along the way, which caused it to take her 12 hours to drive up, twice as long as it should take. While she was on her way up Randy and I had an argument about her staying with us. He was mad that she would be staying in the front room on the couch instead of a hotel. He wouldn't be able to grind his fresh pot of coffee in the mornings while she was here. Never mind the fact that there was a great independent coffee house directly across the street. Wendi of course called during the middle of the argument and was not pleased to hear we were not in the best mood for her arrival. After Wendi arrived Randy went to bed and Wendi and I stayed up late talking and catching up.

The next few days Randy and I got into a lot more argument than normal. Randy was being quite rude to Wendi and she was rapidly becoming "not a Fan of Randy." She had her problems with randy before, She didn't like that he always wanted to leave parties early and take me with him or that I always had to spend to much time alone with him during big events. Wendi was beginning to notice I was no longer the person she used to know. She knew a guy who would do almost anything. A guy who would drive out to the desert and go camping in the middle of nowhere, who was always going to raves, concerts, and parties. A guy who had lots of friends and fun. Someone who did what he wanted. The person she now saw was a child who wanted to go out and play but had to stay inside and practice the piano incase he should ever want to be an organist for a church. She didn't know who this guy was that was going to the gym everyday at 4 AM before his 6 AM job, doing Step Aerobics and gasp, going to bed early.

Wendi felt intervention was in order. She was slowly over her visit trying to undermine Randy. When Randy would say no, you can't buy that, Wendi would buy it and say, "Here you go Eric, I think you should have this." Wendi and I would stay up late talking; She was beginning to understand what had happened, as was I. We stayed up late even though I had to be up early each morning to go work out with Randy as I had promised so Wendi could come visit.

One morning during Wendi's I had it out with the Step instructor. He felt like pushing me a bit harder on this day and I felt telling him I don't have too. This was the beginning of the end. I just couldn't figure out why I was doing something I hated so much and being yelled at and Paying for it. Was so I could have sex? Well that's why I agreed to it but after four or more months I still hadn't gotten ANY! I lost it in that class and decided I hated my life. Wendi went back home and I was stuck hating everything.

I was still clinging to randy and hating it. I hated doing what he wanted and felt trapped by my own stupidity. Luckily I found something else to grab onto, someone to help me out. Patrick my coworker was one of the few people who really saw what was going on. He began to counsel me with bravery and confidence. He convinced me to make myself happy. Decide what I wanted and he would help me do it. I decided that I needed to break up with Randy, but I would need a place to stay because I could tell it wouldn't go well. Patrick's roommates were about to kick a freeloader out and he was going to push for me to be his replacement. I won the room over the other applicants and gathered my bravery to break it off with Randy. It was awful. It hurt so badly and I cried so much, I was so scared, and he was very inquisitive. He was incredibly gracious and worried for me; I couldn't believe how nice he was being. I remember him saying "I couldn't bare to have you in the city and not seeing you, you're too important to me, you're my friend." So we decided to remain friends.

I moved out of our apartment, I broke up with him and I quit my job and got a new one. I got a new life, where Randy was my friend, or so I thought. After a couple of weeks I think it was becoming more apparent to Randy that I was not going to be coming back, I was not going to be controlled anymore. I had Patrick as my crutch and no longer needed my wheelchair. I met randy after work and we were supposed to go to dinner I think. I told him how someone at Muni used my credit card to buy multiple Bart tickets at the Powell Street station. His response shocked me so much I was practically speechless. "That is so typical of you!" I had never had a single problem with my credit cards before. I have glowing credit. Hell I even paid off HIS student loans in hopes to improve his credit. How dare he say "typical" about something like this! The only response I could come up with was "Goodbye" as I walked down into the subway station and away from Randy.

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Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
q_knox
Feb. 13th, 2003 04:35 pm (UTC)
Sex....Not with Randy.
Maybe you should take some time away from Randy.
monkeyx3
Feb. 14th, 2003 10:14 am (UTC)
Re: Sex....Not with Randy.
I broke up with Randy about three years ago and have only bumped into him a few times since. I've come a long way but I'm still not as confident as I used to be. I did go through a real slut phase after I broke up with Randy but have finally calmed down a bit.
q_knox
Feb. 14th, 2003 07:16 pm (UTC)
Happy St Valentine's Day....
Whats relevant here is not letting Randy or any other fuck give you a emotional breakdown. Don't get stuck in too many routines with Ex lovers.(learned this lesson the hard way.) You just have to know that a good working relationship with out it being overbearing and negative will happen for you soon Monkey. If you dont now, accept loving your self with out having some one. Acknowledge that you will be happy with or with out a lover...

Sorry if I"m coming off bitchy... I just know where (I think) your coming from...
et_blackbird
Feb. 19th, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)
There are parts of this that resonate so much, it hurts.

You are so lucky to have a friend like Wendi who could see what was going on and help you so much with the whole situation. She sounds like a gem.

I'm glad you're in healthier places now, mentally and physically.
wdw
Mar. 25th, 2005 07:30 pm (UTC)
oh randy
i've thought about him more recently than ever before. i guess because tom and michelle and i talked about him in paris. fucking randy. i hate him. i know, i know, hate is a strong word...but really, if anyone would have and could have seen what he did to eric, you'd hate him too.

as i think you can see/tell from eric's post. oh, my poor little sugarlump. but, it all worked out. our late night heart to hearts and my intervention worked! we made a plan, and stuck to it. eric wasn't quite ready to break away when i was there that visit, so i gave him 3 or 4 months. i told him that if it wasn't over in that amount of time, by his doing, i was driving up, packing his stuff, putting it in my car and going...i don't know where...but going. he'd thank me for it later. he agreed. luckily, he had other friends and time to sort through the muck and find his way. i'm so happy to see him healthy and happy again. you're much more of the eric i used to know, and then some!

i love you soooo much eric, and am so glad we are in each other's lives. thank you for all that you said at my birthday, you made me cry. i love you, i love you, i love you. you are my "home". i always feel safe, secure, and centered when i'm with you. no mattter how much time passes, i feel just as close to you as if we'd seen each other every day. last year, i was having some issues with friends, and when i knew that you were coming home to visit, i felt at peace. thank you for all that you do, and all that you give. some of what you give, you know about, and some you don't. thanks.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )