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Industrial Fantasy Realness

I'm taking a break from life and trying to work on fantasy I’ll let you vote on how well I did in the comments. I’m working on my halloween party. Years ago Bridge and Tunnel (I know house douchey this sounds) ruined halloween in the Castro. Shootings, stabbing, friends being robbed, harassed, and the volume of vomit... sweet baby J there was so much vomit.; all signs pointed to abandon ship. I began my annual Halloween party where my friends could celebrate the best holiday of the year without fear of bodily harm or personal loss and judgement. Over the years the parties became more intricate, more themed... and the dance floor contained more advanced lights... I have a DJ lighting problem. If there was an AA for disco lighting I would need to join. This year the theme is Disaster Movie. I would go as the auto pilot from airplane but I just don’t think I have the stamina to do the costume justice while hosting the party.

I spend way too many hours on setting up the perfect atmosphere for the party. I transform the downstairs into something appropriate. Amazon thinks I’m a wedding planner with all the crazy stuff I’ve bought. I’ve bought so many aisle runners every year that they pop up all the time in my rocomended list, at least they have sculls, tiki’s or stars! I perfect the playlist of music that will be played on the dance floor and the mood rooms or smoking areas to complete the effect. Yes I am insane... you should have already figured this out.

I am also obsessed with history and throw back. I love to work off themes of old and mash it into the futrue. A few years ago the theme was Prom at Moon Base Bowie. It made perfect sense to me. Carrie+David Bowie+ Space= AWESOME! I have no idea why some people didn’t get it and thought it was too complicated. So this year I kept it simple, “Disaster Movie”. Everyone has a favorite : they can do “San Andreas”; the Rock is sexy. They can do “Towering Inferno”, “Posiden Adventure”, “Earthquake”; Classics are great, ”Plant a tree for me in Israel”. They could do “28 Days later”, “Train to Busan”, “Girl with the Gifts”, “Evil dead”; Zombies are the best!! Hell they could do “Showgirls” or “Valley of the Dolls” and be on theme! But to the point I need my playlist to represent my thinking. The songs need to be on theme, and appeal to a wide variety of ages. I like to keep most of it familiar while also throwing in a few I never heard this before but I love it or am shocked by it! Health’s cover of Blue Monday is a must for this year.

This brought me to revisit my Nine Inch Nails library. When I was in my teens and early 20’s I was Obsessed with ALL things NIN. I’m sure most people would look at me and see a happy sweet and dopey dork who pretended to be dark. But while my personality was positive and optimistic I was too aware of the lie about the American dream, the promise of the if you work hard your dreams will come true, the story I was told about what my life was going to be. I tried to be good, to be who my mom wanted me to be. To be a positive member of society.

I worked hard and focused on my future. I turned down friends who invited me to parties in high school out of fear. And when I realized that I couldn’t get married and have kids or at least shouldn’t because it would have been a sham, I became drawn to the angst I felt deep down inside. It spoke to the betrayal I felt inside. The irony pains me when I see is how much of this angst of privilege I felt during the time of smells like teen spirit. One of my most exciting moments was when I got to console a football player after his horrible girlfriend was causing him to question his sexuality that I was no longer questioning but too scared to discuss.

Let’s not get to distracted... I’m searching for Music for a party about disaster... Focus. Nine Inch Nails. Did you know their name came from the Al Jorgenson Of Ministry Fame? He did the song “Everyday is Halloween.” You know that’s on the playlist. He said ”Listening to Ministry is like having a nine inch nail hammered into your head like a hole."

God money's not looking for the cure.
God money's not concerned with the sick among the pure.
God money let's go dancing on the backs of the bruised.
God money's not one to choose
No you can't take it
No you can't take it
No you can't take that away from me
Head like a hole, black as your soul.
I’d rather die, than give you control

Boom. Ouch, Trump.
I always associate the lyrics of God / Money with the people who served God or Served money or associated Money with God. Power with right. Trump is Greed seems accurate for today.

Greed’s not looking for the cure.
Greed’s not concerned with the sick among the pure.
Greed sees no problem with dancing on the backs of the bruised.
Greed’s not one to choose
They will take it
They will take it
They will take it that away from you and me
Head like a hole, black as their soul.

I’d rather die, than give you control

I wish I could escape reality. I with Trump would stop his attach on me. I feel singles out. I'm just too sensitive... maybe I should just listen to Jewel.

PS don't judge this may have been written while drinking and not eating my dinner... and i still don't have a therapist.