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the depressing Second Journal

I’ve been working on a post that is just killing me. It about something good, but it was so long ago, it's embarrassing and so much of it has faded from my memory or been tainted and merged with other memories. I decided to go and look to see what I had written in my second journal. The first one was stolen by my brother and was the reason I wrote messily in my second journal. My writing was also very vague. For years I was haunted about my missing first journal. It contained a lot of stuff I hadn’t come to terms with as you can imagine.

As kids I was Lisa Simpson and my brother was Bart. I can imagine myself as Lisa saying to him... “What, you can actually read? I can’t believe you took my journal! Give it back.” But, I never got it back. He didn’t even tell me it was him until he was drunk one night a few years ago. Funny how as a kid he was Bart but now he is Homer. He does say, “Mmm doughnuts,” (without realizing it) and he’ a drunk safety inspector. Beware vehicle owner of Scottsdale, Arizona! Does that make me Marge now?

But my point, I was going through my old journal trying to decipher the messy writing and figuring out who this, “He” was at the different points. Most of it was painful to read, painful to see my ignorance displayed before me in sloppy black ink. Tom would look over at me as I would wince as I read the poison hurty words. Eventually, became too curious and decided to look and read as well. As luck would have it, he read probably the best entry in the whole book.


2/21/1993

"When I was little I hoped I would not grow facial hair... and body hair, because I thought it was gross. Obviously hoping doesn't do much. I like my hair. I wonder what changed my mind and why I didn't like it before."

If that's the best one, can imagine how bad the rest of the book is? At least this entry doesn't involve the upset, despair, and the utterly aloneness that seem to be the subject of almost every other page. Maybe I'll post one or two of those dark other posts when I questioned my sanity.

Somehow I doubt I will look back in pain at the posts I write now like I do these ones from the 90s. My entries have improved so much in the last few years. But I don't cringe at those early entries. I think the improvements come from practice as well as seeing how it's done in other people journals.

redarius - Quality
drood - Storytelling
michaelnolan - Heart
roosterbear - Introspection

Of course there are many other journals that inspire my writing with many of the same qualities... glass_hawk for example has one of the most amazing linear journals on LJ and outherelistenin's comments in that journal always put a smile on my face. Of course I still haven't learned how to focus and not ramble around like a drunk Ellen.


Belief is the way, the way of the innocent.
And when I say innocence, I should say naive.
Lie to me- Depeche mode

I should be posting the next installment of The Sexy Trinity on Monday.


Lie To Me - 'The Pleasure Of Her Private Shame' Remix By LFO - Depeche Mode - Rimixes 81....04

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Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
jtoc72
Dec. 11th, 2004 02:11 pm (UTC)
I Understand Where You're Coming From...
I tried journaling during darker points in my life, but I couldn't do it for the very reasons you're grappling with right now.

For me, accepting the past for what it is and not looking back on it is the key to my sanity. That's a lot different that denial - I acknowledge what came before, I just try not to dwell on it.

Everyone deals with these things differently. I hope your way works for you.
monkeyx3
Dec. 13th, 2004 07:34 pm (UTC)
Re: I Understand Where You're Coming From...
The entry that was kicking my ass wasn't bad, just pushing my boundaries of comfort. I picked up my old journal to see what I had written in it about what I was now rewriting, but my journal was so focused on negative things I wrote only a little about one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

It was just a little shocking to see what a different person I used to be.
ewe_2
Dec. 11th, 2004 04:16 pm (UTC)
Here I am approaching 50.
I write like a first grader but then again, I never thought I'd ever be putting things in a journal. I'm sure ther eare people who read what I write and crinch at the grammar and spelling. But English class was not one of my favorites.

But I do enjoy reading certain journals and yours is one of them. I marvel at what you went through. How your dealing with it. And how you look at things now and in the future.

Don't cringe at what you wrote before. It's what you thought at the time.

Cheers Monkey!

D
monkeyx3
Dec. 13th, 2004 07:37 pm (UTC)
Re: Here I am approaching 50.
Thanks. I think everyone has amazing things to write if they are just brave enough to do it. I never would have imagined I would be keeping a journal in such a public place either. especially making entries like the one I just posted a minute ago.
ewe_2
Dec. 13th, 2004 08:30 pm (UTC)
Re: Here I am approaching 50.
I know. I never thought I'd be putting this stuff out there either. You just interest me and I don't know why. I've read through a lot of journals and certain ones keep calling me back. Like a drug.

D
monkeyx3
Dec. 14th, 2004 07:20 am (UTC)
Re: Here I am approaching 50.
It's because I AM interesting! That and I put MSG in my journal.
ewe_2
Dec. 14th, 2004 01:53 pm (UTC)
Re: Here I am approaching 50.
Yes you are interesting. Your too cute Monkey.

*hugs*

D
southernpm
Dec. 11th, 2004 04:19 pm (UTC)
I have a very hard time reading my earlier (paper) journals. I'm impressed you can.

Looking forward to Tuesday.
monkeyx3
Dec. 13th, 2004 07:38 pm (UTC)
Tomorrow! Where should we meet?
southernpm
Dec. 13th, 2004 07:41 pm (UTC)
I'm open. I'll be coming in from Oakland so whatever is convenient. We want coffee or a drink?
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )