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Belonging- the mind fuck.

Hello again.
Yes I know, I never call, I never write... and when I do you know why you are hearing from me. Yes the last few weeks have been a mindfuck. So much has gone on that I'm unable to process it all.

I have a great new job that I've been at for almost a year. It's a job that tells me that they love me... constantly. My job tells me to be myself. My job loves me for who I am. my job wants me to better understand myself and others in the world. It's spent the last week trying to give me more information on Belonging than you can possibly imagine.

When I was a kid I didn't belong playing with the boys because I didn't think like them. I didn't like what they liked. I didn't belong with the girls because I was a boy. I felt like some in-between anomaly. I liked girls more than boys.

After Puberty hit I knew I didn't belong. My feelings didn't match what I was told I should become. I was told I would get a girlfriend, get a job, get married and have kids. I was not destined to have a wife and kids while being true to myself.

When I moved to San Francisco I knew I would belong among the gay... but as much as I put on airs I wasn't as cool as the other gays. I didn't have the quick retorts. I wasn't fearless in making those I meter than friends. I was the non-jugemental prude who was sad about his own hangups.

When I found LJ I was ecstatic about the response I got when clearly I pulling the wool over all your eyes. I'm not a writer, I'm dyslexic and am really bad at english. All my grades in school back this up. I had to get help passing english 101. But everyone on LJ was so nice and welcoming, it was probably because I took photography and knew how get a good angle. Surely it was the user pic.

Now I'm at a company that is so concerned with making me feel I belong they reduce me to tears with presentations about people who feel like they are outsiders.

It's hard to feel like you belong when all your life you've been telling yourself that you do not belong. When you've been telling yourself that you've been tricking people into believing you are someone you are pretending to be. Its hard to get yourself to believe that maybe all the negative things you've heard about yourself are not true. It's not the whole story. Balance is always easy to forget. It's far too easy to focus on the negative.

Recently a friend of mine fell into the negativity trap. I feel like I've lived my life in a shallow pool of negativity. I don't see myself badly but I don't see myself as being as good as I'm supposed to be. I should be smarter, funnier, stronger, cooler, and more productive... but I'm not and I'm not willing or able to actually change. Could I if I really wanted to?

Why do so many of us feel trapped? Why do we feel we can't change our lives, our situations? Why do we give so much power to negative thoughts and so little to the positive?

Like myself, this post should have been better, but it is what it is... and you should be who you are. Accept yourself. Accept your current situation, it's not forever, just this moment. Things will change, nothing is forever. The future will more than likely be better. Good things will come. Someday you will go to work and you will cry. Because something so beautiful with so much meaning is happening... and you don't know how to deal with it.


"I think he's ok, you know how Monkey is. He's in his own world." Tom says into the phone to someone asking about my emotional state. "His family is different you can't read them, but I think Monkey is fine."

I've heard the same one ended conversation many times. It is a very familiar complaint that Tom is completely unable to read my emotional state unless I become too quiet. Of course if I become too quiet he knows he's in trouble.

I'm sure quite a few people have talked about how unemotionally I've dealt with death. I'm sure quite a few of my brothers friends probably wonder about our relationship since they were all crying into their drinks at his last while I stood there with mostly dry eyes. Crying gives me a headache and when I do engage in that activity it normally only lasts a few minutes. I thinkI have some vulcans in my ancestry because I just don't see the benefit.

Sometimes I feel like Dexter Morgan, from Jeff Lindsay books. No I don't feel I have a dark passenger or primal murderous impulses, I feel like I need to pretend to be like everyone else so they don't suspect I'm a monster. I feel like I need to blend in and wear the appropriate masks in order to ensure other people feel comfortable with my reactions. But I'm not Dexter Morgan, i'm not a monster blending in. I don't need to pretend and put on a show for others.

Tom says I have problems dealing with my emotions, which may be true but it doesn't really seem like I'm the one who has problem. It take me a while to process things and just because i'm not throwing tantrums, crying and braking things doesn't mean I'm not upset.

I think I probably show even less emotion if something scares me and my brother's death scared me. It's now just my Dad and I. It's up to me to take care of him and that scares me. He needs someone to nag him into better behavior. He drinks too much. He is lonely but refuses to date, and how I would love for him to meet a nice woman who would make sure he ate better and drank less. My dad doesn't understand his gay son or his vegetarian partner. My brother was always the other side of the bridge. My brother drove my Dad insane but my Dad understood him and they believed a lot of the same things. I depended on my brother to explain things or convince my Dad of things. My brother was really good at making my Dad feel more comfortable with things he didn't understand.

Day 336- yes I started this 336 days ago.

Day 1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
Day 2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
Day 3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
Day 4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5 - Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
Day 6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.
Day 7 - Lust. Seven sex secrets.

Day 6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.
I don't see myself as a gluttonous person. As someone who had an eating disorder as a child I really never equated food as having that much importance. Still people ask me when going to lunch, "Is that all you are having?" my coworker Tricia asked me that today. I don't eat a lot. I can stop at just one. I don't need to eat a ton of something I like. It drives Tom mad. I'll be excited about eating something take four bites, leave half of it and say I'm done. I only eat as much as I feel is enough. I hate feeling full. But I understand how so many people get food and love confused. Our moms loved us and were always encouraging us to eat everything on our plates. My mom just gave up since even as a six year old I had more willpower than her or anyone she recruited to help her.

1. Indian food. Chicken Tika Masala is the one dish I tend to eat until I feel full. Then I moan about how I ate too much as the rice continues to expand in my stomach. If I was in prison and had to order my last meal it would be chicken tika masala, basmati rice, nan bread and a Kima Samosa. So delicious.

2. Birmese food. Have you tried it? If you can, do it. It's like Indian food snuck over and romance Chinese food and made a delicious food baby. Full of noodles and flavor but not too spicy. Tea leaf salad, Nangi dok, poodi. Heaven.

3. Coke. I love Coke-a-cola. I know it will make me crash. I know it will rot my teeth and bones. I know if I didn't drink it I would feel more awake and better overall, but it's so good. I try to limit myself to one a week but lately I have about five a week. Still better then my old 6-10 a day habit.

4. Wine. A delicious red wine. The reason wine glasses look they way they do is because Wine should be put up on a pedestal.

5. Whiskey. I prefer alcohols that start with "W". I blame mrhavisham for teaching me the joys of Whiskey. Oh Birthday Bourbon how I love you and your Crème Brule after taste. I love that I don't have to mix you. You are not complicated just a cube of ice or maybe not.

6. Pumpkin Ice Cream. I don't know why I love it so much. I just do.

7. Chocolate. I'm supposed to say chocolate right? Sure Chocolate, preferably dark with Chili and sea salt. http://www.pocodolce.com if you must. Yes it's expensive but it's worth it. Luckily you don't get too many tiles… that really could be dangerous.

The next post in this series will obviously be friends only when it gets written.
Day 4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.

1. reply / respond

2. call

3. read

4. get off my ass

5. punctuate

6. spell check

7. think of good answers

7 Deadly Sins -Pride

It will probably take me a while to get through these but I love the 7DS.

Day 1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
Day 2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
Day 3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
Day 4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5 - Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
Day 6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.
Day 7 - Lust. Seven sex secrets.


1.Work Ethic. I'm a hard worker and take pride in my work. Most places I work I quickly work my way up to a position where I want to stick. I leaned early the higher you go the more politics and BS you have to deal with so I normally just find some middle ground. With my current job I started as a contractor less than a year ago, I was hired as soon as my contract was up and have received two "Level Ups" since then. On Friday my boss told me he was putting me in for a manager title. I wouldn't normally thing of myself as being someone who would like being a manager but this position which I'm already doing with out the title is more of a herding position. I just tell everyone what direction to go in and make sure they have what they need to get there.

2. Adaptability. If given the chance and motivation I can do pretty much anything and normally better than I would have expected. I don't cook often and if it's for myself, I normally boil up some ramen or other simple just add hot water food. However there have been times when cooking some holiday meal was left up to me and I nailed it. One St. Patricks Day when I was unemployed and Tom was out of town the gang wanted to party at my place, I offered to cook tacos much to the horror of my friend michelle who would accept no less than an Irish Corned Beef and Cabbage banquet. I got on line read lots of recipes, talked with women in the supper market and mixed them all together to make a truly delicious meal. I shocked everyone especially myself.

3. Relationships work if you try. Tom and I have been together for over eleven years. That's a feat for anyone, let alone homos that live in a gay mecca. It was not always easy but the rewards and highs have been more plentiful than the lows. I don't like to give up on things I've put work into and anyone who thinks relationships are not work are doomed to be let down and lonely. And let me just say the silent treatment is by far one of the best tools in the relationship utility belt. When you find yourself so mad you want to say something hurtful, realize you are now too mad to talk. Shut up and wait till you can express yourself better. It will allow your partner to be a bette listener. Tom always knows when I stop talking he is soon going to apologize… Which is why he normally says, "This time I'm not apologizing" and less than a hour later apologizes.

4. Friendships. Mistakes I've made a few… But over all I think I choose some really wonderful people to call friends. I think I tend to choose people who have a quality inside that outshines the popularity or beauty of others. People who I call my friends care about me, they care about people even if they pretend they are plotting to kill and enslave the world (MRP- I'm talking about you). While I like most people For me to choose you as a friend normally says something about your character. But like I said at the beginning, Mistakes, I've made a few. I was seduced by something I covet. (more on that next time)

5. Stubbornness. Once I've decided something it's almost impossible to sway me. Peer pressure only hardens my resolve. You must make me see an error of logic in order to change my mind. Some people think stubbornness is a bad thing but I quite like my stubbornness it's kept me out of lots of trouble and it's also allowed me to stay true to myself. I rarely have regrets over something I've done unless it was a slip of a tongue or footing.

6. Musical taste. Of course this is just my opinion and I'm sure this is like that statistic that 90% of people think they are above average drivers. But I have a vast familiarity of tons of musical genre. I have a varied mix of music that I enjoy and I can listen to someone tell me a few of their favorite artists and suggest them something new thew would love. I really make some amazing mixes and if it was a different time or I had different inclinations I would have been an amazing radio or club DJ.

7. I'm not sure what to call this. But taking people for who they are or what they intend. Tom get so mad at drivers on the road because he thinks they should be as good of a diver as he is, but most people are bad drivers who think they are good drivers. That's fine not everyone can be a great driver. In the same way some people are smarter or more talented than others and that's also fine. You should enjoy people for who they are not comparing them to their prettier, smarter more talented sister. One of the guys I manage is amazing. He is awesome and most people miss it because he is so goofy and sometimes slow. I have to teach him things many times before he gets it but once he does it like I programed a computer. He brings smiles to peoples faces with his 8 year old in a 40 year old's body behavior. Some people get him while others do not and I think it's so sad because he really is one of the most amazing people I've ever met.

The Shadow

Sometime last year I got at text from Tom. He was freaking out over a cat in Animal Care and Control. He was contacted by the woman who bred out kitties Grumpus and Mason. She had somehow found out about this mess that was being called a Persian. in her photo she was adorable and clearly not a Persian. Grumpus and Mason are both Devon Rex, a breed of cat that I can snuggle and don't affect my cat allergies. This cat looked very similar to Grumpus. Tom began the battle to rescue her, and I could do a whole post on that ordeal. When we finally were able to get her, Tom and I were in shock at the state of her. We knew she was older (probably 14) and had medical issues but we were unprepared for what we saw. She was completely bald on her underside. Her belly was distended and deformed from birthing too many kittens. She had lost all her feeler whiskers and had a horrible rash all over her body. Tom started to cry as she purred in his arms.

Even after several months we still refer to her as Zombie kitty because she really does look more like some zombie opossum that has dug herself out of a grave. We have been doing our best to get her back on her feet and she has made dramatic improvement, although my coworkers think we are crazy. She gets a bath once a week to help her skin, and insulin shots morning and night. She get special diabetic food and we have steps all over the house so she can get onto couches and beds... of course she also has her own room because being abandoned in the mission for god knows how long she is weary of other cats and has yet to warm to Grumpus or Mason. She has only recently started to sleep in our room with us at night. I think the cold temperatures is waring down her dislike of the younger cats.

Last night however she was very content sleeping on my head. around 2am, she decided to walk over by my face presumably to suffocate me in my sleep. But my pillow was partially off the bed and like an indian jones film when she stepped out too far she began to descend off the bed. Shadow Cannot jump onto a couch and if on her back is like a trapped turtle. she is a feeble old cat. So she panicked and tried to stop her self from falling. she grabbed with her claws at what was in reach, yes, that is right, she grabbed my face. My already oversized lips to be exact. Remember how I said her body was distended and malformed from too many kittens, she is not a thin cat. I picture in my head my lips being stretched in a cartoon like manor before her weight and gravity cause things to tear, yes tear, and she fell to the floor.

I'm sure I screamed. I ran to the bathroom. The amount of blood was overwhelming. I'm sure even a person with normal lips has a lot of blood pumping through them but It seemed my Angelina Jolie sized ones were pumping out even more. I could never be a doctor. The shock of waking up with a jolt of adrenaline had put my body into a panicked state then seeing all the blood took a similar but different effect. I had to sit down to keep from fainting. I closed the bathroom door. Tom asked if i was ok and I just answered the simple truth, "no." Then I threw up as I imagined huge scars and children staring at my shredded face. Mason voiced his concern and cried at the bathroom door. I had only ever heard him do this when he was separated from his brother.

Once I was able to pull myself together and get myself cleaned up I was able to get a better idea of the damage done. I was two tears in the top lip and a puncture wound to the lower lip. I rinsed my mouth with water... wishing I was brave enough to brush or Listerin the horrible bile from my mouth but knowing the agony I stuck to water.

Luckily I had a brilliant idea and used new skin, a liquid bandage, to seal the wounds. Amazingly it's tacky attributes allowed me to push all the bits back into place and I only looked like I had been punched not shredded.

This morning when I woke up I was shocked at how quickly my lips had repaired themselves. They are still discolored and look a mess but amazingly I don't think I will come away with scars. My Top lip still has a huge bump where I had to put things back together but I think it may eventually go away. Fingers crossed.

Tom went to bed hours ago, but I'm scared to go to sleep. I'm scared of my Shadow.
Here is one of the photos in my show, my favorite. I love the blur of color and the Sherbert effect on her hair. I love Collette LeGrande, She is always amazing, plus she brings me drinks!

Do I need to photos behind a cut anymore? I know if I was doing a ton or a long post it makes sense but it seems a wasted click for something so small. Let me know if I should be putting things like this behind cuts.

Some photos from last year.

Idle hands may be the devils workshop, but busy hands that don't allow for reflection leads to messy minds. Yes it has been quite some time since I wrote anything. every now and then I'll peak at my flist and miss the days I spent keeping up with the Journals. At least once a week I'll have a strong desire to write about something... but something else of higher priority will come along and smite the unfinished post.

I'm happy. I love my job. I love my kitties, did I mention we have three now? More on that later... maybe. Tom and I are doing great and are finally making some progress on the house. For a while I was worried someone would come over and ask me if I wanted to be on hoarders as our garage only had trails to walk through. Now Tom has a wonderful artist space to work in.

I am in dire need of a vacation. I haven't left the country since my mom passed away and I haven't taken any real vacation time since I started working again. I really love my job and they love me. I'm moving up and am learning lots of new stuff. I'm positioning myself for several lead positions which I have plans to fix processes and streamline.

I had my very first art show. The art is still up but sadly there was never an opening. I'll be shocked if anyone buys anything but it's still need to have shown my strange photos.

Me and some pictures of Drag queens.

I've also been quite busy in changing my looks up. For Halloween I shaved off my 'stach for my Dia De Los Muertos costume...

Tom and I had fun dressing up for The Dicken's Fair.

I dressed up as Freddie Mercury for my friend Matt's Studio 54 Christmas party. I took a ton of photos but there were not many taken of me. I really wish I had gotten a good one of me and Liza but this one of Andy Warhol and I turned out pretty good.

You can fly and so can I... after you.

As I child the family vacation location of choice was the Colorado River just south of Parker Dam on the Arizona side of the river. My parents would pull my brother and I out of school several times a year and have us tell the teachers some strange story of visiting a sick relative going on some business trip with our parents. I distinctly remember my mom trying to explain very badly how it wasn't lying. She had very well made me understand that if I wanted to go to the river as many as 6 times and not upset the grownups at school I needed to do as they asked.

I learned a lot of things while at the river. I learned about the stars we were never able to see in the city, there were so many more in Arizona, the stars clearly were shy when too close to the ocean. I learned about tides and currents, I learned how electricity was created by dams and wind turbines. I learned about the dangers of Alcohol when a teen girl died of alcohol poisoning in the tent next to mine. I leaned a lot about idiots, both those who were idiot around me at the time and those who were idiots long long ago.

When we would ride in boats up and down the river I loved to look up at things. I loved to look up at the balls on the wires that warned planes of hard to see wires high in the sky. At night the balls looked like planets falling dangerously close earth, perhaps ruled by Ming the Merciless. I loved to look up at the dam, I love that I was allowed to say dam, I felt like I was getting away with something. I also loved to look up at the rock formations. I had two favorites. One we called simply the Indian and the other was named Idiot Rock. The Indian resembled a Native american head with headdress looking at the sky. There was a cave where the eye should be that makes it easy to understand. Idiot Rock was a beautiful insanely high cliff that was crumbing into the river. I loved listening to my dad tell stories of how it was named after some high idiot who who thought he could use some sheets to parachute or fly, so he spent hours climbing to the top of the cliff and jumped off to his death. The story would normally end with my dad saying, "Drugs can make you believe stupid things that can turn you into a dead idiot just like him. Drugs are bad."

The Indian

Idiot Rock

When I went to river in 2009 with my dad and brother I took a few pictures of my favorite places. A lot of the places looked very different but most of the land marks looked the same. I noticed Idiot Rock seemed to look like it was going to fall. We were with one of my dad new friends who lived on the river for over 20 years, he pointed to some shack like homes on the other side of the river, they all had for sale signs in their windows.

"See those homes, they are all for sale because it is falling. When that chunk falls it's going to cause a huge wave that will destroy pretty much everything along the river between the two dams, It may even take out the dam to the south and change the coarse of the river. The Army corp of Engineers have been measuring it's movements and they estimate it will fall within the next ten years if we continue to get bad storms. The state has asked for help but they can't get disaster money unless it's a disaster so they are waiting for it to happen. If it happens during the summer a lot of people are going to die. Idiots!"

Idiots indeed. My Dad told me it's moved even more, it seems so much smarter to shut the flow of the damn blast the rock, clear the debris and save some lives and money. Besides how cool would it be to see what crazy stuff was laying under the river all these years. I can't believe how quickly people are willing to gamble with other people's lives. The Corp of Engineers are only right sometimes they got lucky with that Hurricane Katrina incident. Engineers are not as smart as politicians.

 Walking On Sunshine by Katrina & The Waves from Living In Oblivion: The 80's Greatest Hits, Vol. 2 (Rating: 0)


People love to state the obvious. I have one coworker who is always commenting on the things that are basically facts. He loves to ask about them? So, your eating lunch, huh? No I was planning on giving myself a taco facial. A lot of people love even more to state the obvious when it's negative. After a night out of drinking your coworker in the morning might tell you, "You look like shit." People really do love to be negative.

When I started as a contractor at my company during my first week I was nervous when I approached one of the artist for the game Mafia Wars. Today was my first day encrypting user machines with PGP (Pretty Good Privacy) and the first set of people we approached kicked us out of the suite. I asked the artist if he had time for me to PGP encrypt his machine. He said sure and gave me a funny look. "Would you like to be a bellhop?" Without any hesitation or questions I answered the obvious answer, "Of course I want to be a bellhop!" I had no idea what he was talking about but when someone asks you such a strange question the answer has to be yes. He pulled out a camera and snapped a picture of me then told me I would be a bellhop in vegas. Cool!

Two months later I was in the Mafia Suite again this time with a Slushy in my hand and I went to talk with my new friend Lynn. As I walked up to her she smiled big and said, "I am so Jealous?" "Because I have a slushy?" I asked back. "Because you'r in the game, I always wanted to be in the game, have you seen it? It looks just like you." she replied back. I wondered what my bellhop would interact with the players. would I give them a task, would they have to bribe me, or would they have to whack me. Awesome!

A few weeks later I got to see the picture, it does look just like me. Lynn sent me an email and I found out I was a free gift in the new Vegas expansion of Mafia Wars. I immediately started to make jokes that I was a slut because I was free. This week the game was released and I logged in to the game to see if I could send myself to all my FB friends, sadly I did not see myself. within the games you get different free items you can send. My coworker did a quick google search to find out how to get the bellhop in mafia wars and we came to a link with my picture and a description. At the bottom of the page is a space for comments. The very first comment had me laughing so hard. My coworker who did the search had the most horrified look on his face until he saw my reaction. The comment was just one word but to me it was so obvious it might as well said... white guy. What did the anonymous comment say?


P.S. please don't defend me on the wiki page, I think it's hilarious because I am a big old faggot.