I got a job two weeks ago. I like it. I'm working for a former boss from years ago. it's a bit chaotic and unorganized but I like all the people and it's good to get back to work.
After a few months with the kitties I have decided Tom and I should never adopt children. The subject has come up many times... and I think of all the porn I would have to get rid of. Such a big life change is scary but people say what you get back is worth it and I have seriously considered looking into it ... always in the somewhat near future... until recently. Our kitties Grumpus and Mason behave when I am around. However if Tom is alone in a room with them they run amuck. Tom is covered in scratches. They climb him when he's cooking they jump onto his shoulders when he is using the bathroom. They try to take food from his plate and will jump on furniture they know they are not allowed on. Tom gives the cats rewards for bad behaviors. He pets them and apologizes for screaming when they hurt him. He gives them treats to try to get them distracted from their bad behavior and as much as I try to get him to understand he is encouraging them he throws his hands up in the air and claims, "I can't help it, they're too cute." If he can't teach a cat stay off the stove how is he going to deal with a child playing with matches? He'll probably give him chinese fireworks. ARGH!
in case you missed it there are lots of pictures of my little monsters here:
http://web.me.com/macboysf/Howl_Brother
- Music:Rollerskate - Matias Aguayo - Ay Ay Ay
Anyone who wants to say I am torturing them by making them wear a hat, I say to you, I haven't gotten a full nights sleep in my own bed since they arrived. They torture me a lot more than I torture them... Especially the pink one. He licks me awake at 4am every day. Once I am awake the monster goes to sleep. He's lucky he so soft and cute.
The glowing orbs are always hanging over my head I should be used to them. I think the hardest part of being unemployed is dealing with the orbs. when I was employed and one of the orbs broke instead of being solved I blamed it on being overworked. I can only juggle so much after all. I work 40 hours a week doing the job of two or three people. But now , I don't. I don't have a job, I don't spend 40 hours a week doing anything. Yet I still am dropping orbs. I am still not able to complete any of the things I thought I would be able to do if only I wasn't wasting my time working. I haven't improved my body, I haven't learned a language or improved any that I losing. I haven't finished scanning in my old photos or sold anything on eBay. I haven't even posted to LJ very often. What have I been doing since February? Why can't I think of anything I've accomplished? I have to have accomplished something, it's not like I've been watching TV all day.
I've been holding on to thin bits of fishing line, little slivers of wishful thinking. I haven't heard back in weeks after my fourth interview and yet I still don't want to give up on this dream job. Even still, I don't want to start until I can say I did something with this time I've spent lost. It's cutting into my hands, such thin bits of material can rip through flesh as they speed away. Oh how I would love to hear I got the job and they want me to start in January. Then I could relax and focus on accomplishing something. Ah-ha, another excuse.
What the hell is wrong with you? You don't have a job, you are getting unemployment, if you just focused you could accomplish something. You just need to pick one accomplishment and stay focused. You should also start looking for another job, if the dream job calls, great, but maybe the door has closed and you should look for what other door opened. Stop worrying about dropping balls. Just try not to drop another one thrown by a friend. Of course you could always tell these friends despite being unemployed you are overtaxed already. You've almost lost a year now. It's time to take control and create a new path.
Wow, this post took an odd turn. Interesting.
A year and a half or so later he asked me if he could come visit San Francisco and if he could stay at my place to save money. I'm always happy to put up a friend for a few days so I agreed. He then TOLD me he would be staying for three weeks and would have a friend in tow. I was a bit upset by this. The friend turned out to be someone he had never met and had been putting on a nice face for through the internet. Upon meeting and experiencing the real Matthias he headed for the nearest hotel. His behavior on his trip was horrid. He kicked my roommates cat and spent way to long in the one and only bathroom for five roommates during the morning rush hours causing many people to arrive to work late. That all still pisses me off. He even complained when I told him to sleep in the living room so Tom and I could celebrate our one year anniversary.
I eventually had too much and stopped all correspondence. He sent many accusing emails which I read and did not respond to. the last email I had received from him informed me of a German saying which translated to : "No answer is an answer as well." I felt holding strong and keeping to my answer of silence sent a much more truthful message that I could with words.
The last time I had even the slightest interaction with him was New Years Eve of 2002-2003 and I only spoke in grunts to him. He left in disgust I hadn't heard from him since... until today. He sent me a friend request through Facebook and I accepted. Hopefully he has grown up.... or else I'm going to have to learn how to unfriend someone on Facebook.
Almost every wednesday we have a few close friends over to talk over bad reality TV. Project runway is perfect for wednesdays. you don't need to hear everything and it's almost mandatory to scream at the contestants and Judges. you can barely hear the TV. Our friends, Matt and Tom are always in attendance and Matt is normally one of the loudest while Tom is almost always the quietest, with eh exception of George who disappears to hide from the gay in his room.
When the economy affect the alcohol business you know things are bad. The company that George was working for couldn't afford to keep him so he started to look for a new job and found a really great one in Napa. I was sad at the thought of him moving away, especially since we were never able to break him on his self loathing. He still plans on coming out once he gets a perfect boyfriend... which will never happen because:
A: 22 year old twinks don't date short 40 something guys unless they have millions.
B: 40-something guys that haven't come out yet are not considered a catch.
C: If you are scared to come out, no real person is good enough to face coming out for.
D: You don't meed gay people by hanging out with straight people who think you are straight.
So all that said. George has decided to live in Napa during the week and spend his days off living with us to keep him at least tethered to the gay community. Tom (our friend- not my Tom), george and I had spent the day unpacking George's stuff in his new place. It was something for Tom and I to do since we are both between jobs. Tom and I don't normally get to hang out with out our partners and we started to compare notes. On our drive home we had moved on to the insanities of our partners. Tom's absolute hatred of anything that has been placed on the dirty floor or in the sink. Once it's in the sink he will not touch it. unless he puts a ziplock bag on his hand as a glove and then only after a lot of complaining. I swear it was probably easier for the Simple Life producers to get a Hilton to inseminate cows.
Tom started to talk about Matt's quirks and Matt is defiantly crazier than my Tom. He forces Tom to redo laundry and gets upset about indoor vs outdoor shoes and clothes that have been worn on Muni. After admitting that Matt had won I turned to George and said, "See George, It's really important for you to come out so you can get a boyfriend, so he can drive you crazy with his insanities."
My old room mate was a bartender at Moby Dicks in the Castro and I had lost almost all my Bay Area friends when I broke up with Randy. I had three friends... Patrick, Michael and Kim. Patrick and Kim always had lots of things going on so I hung out a lot with Michael... because he worked a lot and I knew on most nights if I walked into Moby's I could sit at the bar and chat with Michael. Moby's was really a neighborhood bar so I slowly made more friends with the regulars and other Bartenders Doug, Jon and Randy. I would spend at least three nights a week having a few drinks at Moby's. It's still one of my favorite bars.
When my parents came up to San Francisco for the first time My roommates and I took my parents into the Castro for drinks. Dennis grabbed my dad by his arm and started to guide him into the edge which was having some leather contest and was packed with men in fetishwear... when Denis pulled away at the last second and kept walking past my dad Sighed in relief. When we got to Moby's my dad looked even more relieved. Doug was the bartender that night and when I walked in he greeted me and asked if these were my parents. Then he asked them what they wanted and wouldn't let them pay for anything. This really impressed my dad. What impressed me was Moby's had White Zinfindel for my mom. All the time I had been coming to the bar I had never seen anyone order white wine. Doug made me feel like a king that day. I was so happy when he was finally able to buy Moby's and then Daddy's. He had a real talent for knowing how to make a bar into a place people want to regular.
Rest in Peace Doug, you were a really wonderful man.
http://www.ebar.com/news/article.php?se
( Article behind cut )
The person on the phone had told me I lost my cobra because I had missed a payment. But they hadn’t sent me anything, nothing saying what to send them or anything about ever having coverage... nothing. So I asked what I was supposed to do. She basically told me I was out of luck. I complained, but I did it in a “I can’t believe this crap” sort of a way. Eventually she mentioned Obama’s second chance Cobra and that on March something-or-other I was sent a form that I should fill out and return. So I wanted to make sure I understood and started my sentence with “So I should wait until March blah-bla-blah and bla-blah blah.” The sweet representative stifled a laugh and said, “Honey it’s April, March was last month!” That’s when I realized I had receive the second chance letter and already returned it. She told me to call back in a week if I hadn’t received confirmation of my second chance. I got the letter a few days later and sent in the first few payments.
A month goes by and I call back again because I haven’t received anything. Cobra tells me I am good. As far as they are concerned I’m covered. So I ask why I haven’t received anything from them and she tells me I should receive something from my former insurance, I had no idea I would be using my former insurance. I had kept my card in case I needed (fake) proof of insurance. I know how hospitals can be if they don’t think you have insurance. Just get me into the doctor and I’ll deal with paying later. The Cobra representative told me she would send a trace to find out if the paperwork was sent to my insurance, but I should call them to ask if they had received it. So I did and I was told I was inactive and they didn’t show anything for me at all. A few phone calls later and I felt confident I should receive something in about another month... Yes, another month.
In July I got my insurance card and went to the allergy doctor for my shots. She reprimanded me for not coming and couldn't believe it had taken me 5 months to get my insurance back. Of course then at the start of this month I had a panic that I had lost my newly gotten Cobra and was back on the phone again. Luckily they had finally fixed the price and I have a few more months paid, they just didn’t tell me.
Just think, if we had nationalized health care I wouldn’t have had to deal with this on top of two deaths and a layoff. I really can’t believe all the lies and manipulation over something so good. It would lower the stress levels of millions of people, lower medical costs, and save lives. Save Lives! (Save the unborn... But then once they are born they can die a painful death if they don’t have health care, I don’t want to pay for it) But really we already are paying for people’s health care. I really hope we can reform healthcare in this country soon. I love Obama’s health care plan. It’s so much better than that Cash for Clunkers and people weren’t losing their heads in revolt. I guess that’s because it was straight forward and simple. If something takes more than ten minutes to understand then Fox news will manipulate and lie to cause panic (their favorite state).
If you are interested, here are some facts from the OFA National Health Care Forum with President Obama. If you have limited time, check out these particular segments, which I found especially informative and compelling:
23:00-dispelling the myths
25:00-Reform details
34:00-If we do nothing...?
46:00-more on dispelling the myths
49:50- media responsibility in propagating bad information
55:50- how will it be paid for?
1:06:40- health and wellness/prevention
1:11:45- young adults and health insurance
1:14:50-Politics and Change
http://my.barackobama.com/page/cont
Please don't shoot something down if you don't have the facts.
http://www.people.com/people/videos/0,
Come on, look at those ears, is he trying to look like a cat or a bat?
See how he is attempting to look innocent. You can tell he is saying, "No Earthlings I am not trying to take over your planet, I am just a sweet kitty-bat!"
But in reality he is thinking how he and his siblings are going to take over the world and make us all pay!
We will be bringing him home on the 25th, I am happy to do may part in keeping the planet safe from their evil plans. We will be getting another alien a few weeks after this one, once it has matured enough to think it is fooling us with his purrs.
Unlike the last picture I took this one for
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
bender772. I was inspired by his recent photos from New Zealand. Ok, I may have been thinking about bender772 in the previous photo.
I like the Milky Way with the mountains, the car light balanced by the Cactus in the foreground. I was surprised my camera took such great photos. The hardest part was getting one where my brother didn't ruin the photo... He is attention starved and ummm a drunk. That's for another post.
More photos here http://gallery.me.com/macboysf#1002
On Friday I got a call from someone who seemed excited to hear from me. "So you're interested?", he asked me. It was right up my alley, It didn't sound like fun, it wasn't green energy or Mac work but I was qualified and it didn't sound like it would be outside my comfort zone. I told him I was interested. I was surprised to hear someone sounding like they weren't swamped with requests to fill the job by overqualified IT workers. Then he asked, "Are you OK with the Per hour?" I've been salary for so many years that $ per hour doesn't equate any more in my head. I always think about when I shit myself when I was getting $10 an hour. The number he said sounded big but I told him I was used the number in salary, he translated it and I had to fight to keep the calm in my voice. I did a good job because he was rolling it over in his head if I could go for cheeper but he said he would put in the full amount because I sounded perfect. When I hung up the phone I made a little squee sound. If I get this job I just got will have improved my salary by one third. It's a contract to hire position and I wasn't going to take anything that didn't have medical... but this was too much. Plus it's working for a big British company I use when I'm in London, I didn't even know they had offices in San Francisco.
My Russian Gypsy Tarot Cards told me it was time to cross the bridge to the next part of my life. It scares me how often they are right. I know they work by bringing your subconscious thought to the front for you to examine but it's still a little freaky friday.
Fingers crossed it works out for the best and I'm able to work my magic again. I know it will and I know I can.
Me and Mom at an the oddly empty Red Rock campsite
- Music:Clowns (Glass Candy Remix) - Ssion
As a kid I loved the river; I loved the heat, the swimming and the excitement. I loved hiking up river to Foxes the floating bar so I could jump off an start swimming across the river and then back, the current just perfect to leave me climbing from the water at our campsite. I mastered the video game Tempest that was on the docks of Sundance. The adults would all go to Sundance for the wild parties, wet T-shirt contests and tequila sunrises. Kids weren’t allowed in the bar but there was an area for the kids to play free video games and swim. We would watch the daring men impress the girls by jumping off a rock that was three stories high into the river below. By the time I was ten, my friends and I were doing it as well, much to the dismay of the men trying to impress the ladies. It just doesn't have the same impact when a group of preteen boys and girls are doing it without the slightest hesitation.
There was also a rope swing that you could use to fling yourself into the river, the key was to run off the cliff and let the rope lift you out over the deep water, unfortunately Phinny jumped and lost his grip, proving that all those movies where someone falls and grabs a rope is near impossible. My favorite activity though was to take a boat up to Parker Dam and after having the boat hitched to a ten foot square island just outside of the danger area, we would jump off the rock and have the current quickly drag us down the river where we would grab a ski line and slowly fist over fist drag ourselves back up to the island where we would jump again. Because the river was so narrow and the water flowed out of the dam so quickly we would be pulled downstream and a running speed. The water was full of energy and would swirl making tons of tiny whirlpools wherever you looked, you could even smell the energy in the air.
As a kid I was safe at the river, despite all the dangerous activities we would do, I always felt safe. I knew that there were always tons of adults around that were keeping and eye on me and the other kids in our massive gang. At home I would be bullied by my brother when the parents weren’t looking but at the river there was always someone looking so he could never bully me. When Phinny fell from the rope swing there were at least three adults who got to him in seconds, seeming to only touch the ground once every ten feet.
Now as I’m about to return, I’m worried that some of the adults will beat the crap out of my faggoty ass. Drunk, horny and homophobic is how I think of the men at the river. They are like peacock, trying to get attention and they usually use brawn to get it. Maybe I’m wrong but I know I’m going to be very paranoid and attempting to butch it up. The one thing that is putting me at ease is my brother. He would probably love it if someone made the mistake of attacking me, so he could get into a fight or just intimidate the hell out of the guy. Who knows maybe I won’t be harassed... Or maybe I will and my brother can have his moment and then feel like we are even and he can stop apologizing for his behavior when he was younger. I just hope I don’t come back with some part of my body broken or blue. My dad and brother have gone consistently while I stopped going around the time I came out; they don’t seem worried for me. Whatever comes, I’m ready for it.
These thoughts used to upset me greatly, I would worry about interacting with people who knew the old me, not the real me. Now, I just don’t care, it makes no sense to keep someone out of my life because I’m scared they will reject me- so I reject them first? Plus now more than ever I should be out, be proud and be an example. So I accepted Tom’s relationship request and Facebook told the world Tom and Eric are now in a relationship... (now?) Then I took it a step further.
I updated my profile with my interests, schools and even my phone number. Then I searched through the list of people who were in my year at high school and added a ton of former friends. Because I have a bit of an evil streak in me I decided to post some of my old high school pictures and upload them and all their horrifying pimply glory. If I was truly evil I would have tagged all the photos, but kindness won and I only tagged a few photos that were actually good pictures. I uploaded about 150 pictures in total. Now I may never know if anyone decideds to unfriends me, if I pissed them off by posting pictures or their fear of homos. (how long until you think unfriend will be put in the dictionary as a verb?) Who knows if I will even notice being unfreinded, I haven't really explored Facebook that much. Is there a way to tell without having to scroll through your list of friends and guess who’s missing? I just added a conservative Mormon who used to be a very close friend, should be interesting to see how she reacts, not that she shouldn’t have known all along.
If I find out someone said I was a big fag in Frisco, I'll remind them homos don't like shortened names, please call it San Francisco and as a big fag I'm offended by the word Frisco.
- Music:Amuse Bouche - Fischerspooner - Entertainment
Of course I say all this and yet I have never said yes to any of Tom’s proposals. I want it all. I want to have it on my terms. I want to ease into it and not have to jump in like a member of the polar bear club into icy waters. Of course I also am a bit of a Buddhist at heart and I believe nothing is forever, change is inevitable, and having a ceremony to claim you will be together forever seems a bit naive. I’m not saying Tom and I won’t spend the rest of our lives together, but my Mom and Dad never divorced and yet he is now alone and her energies have gone elsewhere. I think once I am allowed to marry Tom without a forced rush we will have a wonderful celebration.
But back to the point of my ramblings. The last few days have been a bit emotional for me and I decided to make a podcast that exemplifies the emotional journey I’ve been on, from sadness and despair to anger and power.
This wrong will be righted! Justice is for everyone.
California Supreme Court Just Us - Mixed by Monkeyx3
Track List (Title-Artist-Album)
Another Heart Breaks - Electric Light Orchestra - Time
Belfast / Wasted - Orbital - Wasted - The Best Of Volume Part 1 (Disc 1)
Istanbul Uyurken (Hamam Trance Version) - Steam/ Hamam: the Turkish Bath
Tor-cheney-nahana (Howie B Left Foot Mix) - Indiens-Sacred Spirit- Dance Remixes
Give Up But Don't Give Out (Portishead Remix) - Primal Scream - The Trip Hop Test - Part Two
Ball - Craig Armstrong - Astralwerks 1999 v.2
This Must Be It - Röyksopp - Junior
Map Of The Problematique - Muse - Black Holes & Revelations
Infidels Of The World Unite - Fischerspooner - Entertainment
This Is Life - Grace Jones - Hurricane
The Best Revenge - Fischerspooner - Entertainment
Hurricane - Grace Jones - Hurricane
Ahh Gee wizz Street Jjizz
I freaked out a little when Fishcerspooner came on and performed "A kick in the teeth", the song stopped after the first chorus so the leas singer could explain, "This song is about when something horrible happens and it turns out to the the best thing ever... just in case you didn't know" then the music started up again and I was left feeling very strange inside.
< cheer voice>
OMG, I like totally know what he's talking about! O!M!G!
< /cheer voice>
Lyrics to A Kick In The Teeth :
(Fischer/Spooner/Perry)
Sawing,
With my jaw tooth down.
Guarded,
Down upside frown.
I‘m, I‘m looking for a pill,
Something to ease my will,
A kick in the teeth.
You, You may not realize,
When it‘s done or why,
But it may be the best thing, it may be the best thing.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh and it may be the best thing.
Pulsing,
With a familiar pain.
A comfort,
From this disdain.
Grind away.
I‘m, I‘m looking for a thrill,
Something to ease my will,
You, You may not realize,
When it‘s done or why,
But it may be the best thing, it may be the best thing.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh and it may be the best thing.
- Location:home sweet home
- Music:just the ringing in mah ears
If they hadn’t laid me off. If they had laid off the other tech. I would have been torn by duty and fear of losing my job. I may have hesitated. If John hadn’t worsened I may have had to choose between him or my mom. Tom would have had to stay in SF to care for him. If I wasn’t in the room with my mom when she died my dad wouldn’t have been in the room either. He was terrified to be in the room with her. He was traumatized to see his wife of 44 years on a ventilator and the decision to remove it crushed him. After she passed he was glad he decided to stay in the room with us, rehashing happy times. If I hadn’t been laid off I would have had to rush back to work and left my dad to deal with all the things that needed to be taken care of instead of taking care of it for him. My brother through all of this was useless. He couldn’t cope so he drank. He got all of us sick because coughed all over the pace and spread his germs everywhere. I’m really glad I was able to be there for my dad, I’m glad he at least had someone who helped him through this and tried to keep him from having regrets.
I’m lucky I had the greatest mom in the whole world for almost 35 years. Most of my friends who have meet my mom agree she was an unbelievably precious and gentile soul. She may not have understood sarcasm or mean spirited comedy but she cornered the market of understanding kindness, love and acceptance. How many people can say they grew up in a non-broken home? And how many of those can say they had a mom as great as mine was?
Is she twiggy? Nope, Just my mom on her honeymoon in San Francisco.
I fix computers, my brother fixes cars, my dad fixed printers and cash registers... my mom fixed people.
- Music:hawaiian waves
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